The Drew Carey Show Season 1 quotes

Lewis

... and that's why the French don't wash.

Drew

[Drew refuses to hire Kate] No! It's even worse than when friends have sex, 'cause at least then you had sex!

Drew

What if I have to fire you? And I'm sure I'm gonna have to.

Kate

Look, you don't have to fire me. You can kill me, how's that?

Drew

Well, that might solve some problems, but, you know, it may create others.

Drew

Man, a liquor store with a window on the side where you can buy whiskey, beer, whatever you want, while you're driving. God bless America! Just the thing for that drunk driver who's constantly on the go. Hey, no time to stop at a real bar, I've got things to do today! Places to go, people to hit!

Drew

Ask me about my day, I dare you.

Lewis

Drew, how was your day?

Drew

You're not sincere enough.. [Points to Oswald] YOU! Ask me about my day.

Oswald

Drew, how was your day?

Drew

Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.

Drew

[in his carpool] 8:41. You know, Larry, right about now, I got interviews stacking up at the office. Pretty much like you got angry motorists stacked up behind you. You think you could fire up the bullet train here?

Kate

Did you and Pam have a fight?

Lewis

No, we were just in the neighborhood and...she kicked me out of the car and drove away.

Drew

Did you try to get her to wear that thing again?

Lewis

Yeah.

Kate

[referring to the 'thing' from the above quote] I TOLD you women don't think those things are sexy!

Lewis

Hey, if it's not sexy, how come I had to order it from Mexico?

Lisa

Excuse me, Mr. Carey?

Drew

I'm sorry, my father's Mr. Carey. I'm Mrs. Carey.

Lisa

Want to smile so I know you're kidding?

Oswald

Did the pizza I ordered get here yet?

Drew

The pizza you ordered at my house? The place where I might not be? The guy who couldn't get a date if dates were magnets and his butt was due north?

Lisa

Hey, I'm just making small talk. I do that when I'm nervous. What do you do?

Drew

Isn't it obvious?

Lisa

You eat?

Drew

Shut up. I sweat.

Drew

Wait! I want kids!

Lisa

Drew, I can't do this for you.

Drew

Then I'll have the kids. Look. I have child-bearing hips.

Lisa

It wouldn't have worked out. Your face is too fat.

Drew

Yeah? Well, your calves are too close to your ankles.

Lisa

Your ears aren't level. [walks away]

Drew

[shouting] Yeah, neither are your breasts! [quieter] Did I just say that aloud in front of the entire office?

Lewis

Hey, I gave one guy three black eyes.

Drew

[drafting a new memo] From now on, all employees will be required to bring their sense of humor to work every day. This replaces the current practice of shoving a stick up your butt!