[after her mother gives her a sweater] Ooh, I hope this is the one that lands me a man!
S1 E20Drew and Kate and Kate's Mom
Sorry. Just killing Mom before time gets here.
S1 E21Drew Gets Motivated
I want this promotion more than anything.
More than pubic hair when you were twelve?
Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.
What's it for anyway?
It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.
S1 E22Buzz Beer
If you'd bothered to swallow that, you would have realized it had absolutely no aftertaste.
(Takes a sip, puckers lips, then smiles) Hey! The rotten egg taste is gone!
But it's a milk carton, little kids can't read... Hey, Can Timmy go out and play? No, I'm sorry, He just had a bowl of cereal and he's hammered.
(repeated line) I'm gonna lose my house.
BMr. Bell
What's the matter, Carey? You act like you've never seen me before.
Coffee and beer together? I gotta pee just thinking about it!
Oswald, nobody's gonna buy a beer that sets your mouth on fire!
I know. (brings out a pitcher, then gives it back) We'll make our money on the water.
S2 E10It's Your Party and I'll Crash If I Want To
I can't make it out through all the squiggly lines. Why don't you just pay the $10 a month so we can actually see it?
I can't. I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you get that and the Sex Channel, they put you in a special file.
[sipping from a wading pool] This has gotta be at least the fifth biggest margarita I've ever drank in my life.
The fifth biggest?
Frat party, frat party, frat party, and the Super Mucho Grande Margarita at La Cucaracha's, which actually has its own undertow.
S3 E8The Dog and Pony Show
Drew, please tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog!
Drew (nervous): No, tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog...
What did you do? He was a prize breeding dog! They're supposed to look like that!
Drew (lamely): Well, it was hot...
Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, fur grows back, right?
Unfortunately, we had something done to him that...doesn't grow back. (Kate understands, and she kneels down next to Lucky.)
Kate (sympathetically): You're not really Lucky at all, are you?
Listen, when you guys fix a dog, do you keep anything? (Beat) Well,, if that offends you, your world must be pretty damn small! (he hangs up) Lucky's charms are gone.
Now, who the hell is that?
I've heard of animals finding their way home; Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.
Well, it was two knocks. (He opens the door to find Mr. Wick standing there.) Well, I was close.
I suspect that was an insult, Carey but I don't have time. I've come to get Lucky.
Drew (coquettish): Well, Mr. Wick...
I meant Mrs. Louder's dog. (Mr. Wick sees Lucky, but doesn't realize that it's him.) My God, Carey, your dog is butt-ugly!
There's no more Ding-Dongs in Lucky's lunch box.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Drew Carey Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.