Drew quotes from The Drew Carey Show

Drew

You've finally got a guy you can take home to Mom. What's not to like? [to Jay] I'd lose the earring.

Oswald

I'd take the hair down an inch.

Lewis

And how 'bout a skosh more room in those jeans?

Drew

I want this promotion more than anything.

Lewis

More than pubic hair when you were twelve?

Drew

Yeah, like I used that for the next eight years.

Oswald

What's it for anyway?

Jay

It's like the lettuce on the fruit plate. It's just for presentation.

Drew

Oswald, nobody's gonna buy a beer that sets your mouth on fire!

Oswald

I know. (brings out a pitcher, then gives it back) We'll make our money on the water.

Lewis

I can't make it out through all the squiggly lines. Why don't you just pay the $10 a month so we can actually see it?

Drew

I can't. I already get the Cartoon Network, and I heard if you get that and the Sex Channel, they put you in a special file.

Kate

Drew, please tell me this isn't Mrs. Louder's dog!

Kate

What did you do? He was a prize breeding dog! They're supposed to look like that!

Lewis

Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, fur grows back, right?

Drew

Unfortunately, we had something done to him that...doesn't grow back. (Kate understands, and she kneels down next to Lucky.)

Drew

Now, who the hell is that?

Lewis

I've heard of animals finding their way home; Maybe it's Lucky's testicles.

Drew

Well, it was two knocks. (He opens the door to find Mr. Wick standing there.) Well, I was close.

I suspect that was an insult, Carey but I don't have time. I've come to get Lucky.

I meant Mrs. Louder's dog. (Mr. Wick sees Lucky, but doesn't realize that it's him.) My God, Carey, your dog is butt-ugly!

I know what this is, Carey! This is part of your plan to get me fired, but it's not going to work!

Drew

I'm gonna get fired too!

I didn't say it was a good plan, you Yankee clipper!

Larry

I hear you're down a man, Carey.

Drew

Larry, what are you doing here?

Drew

Why should we let you join?

Larry

Wanna see what I bring to the party? (gestures to the bar) Step into my office... (They go behind the bar. Larry unzips his pants, and acts as if he's taking out something heavy. Drew stares at it dumbfoundedly for a second, then he rapidly downs a shot and looks at it again.)

Drew

You're in. (Larry nods and puts it back in his pants.) Geez, you think you'd be more popular.

Mimi

I'm ready for you. (She takes out a magnifying glass.)

Drew

You know, Mimi, I might get excited and have to do a little lap dance... (He demonstrates. Mimi holds out a $50 bill.)

Mimi

Here's my fifty bucks. Keep your punching bag outta my face.

Drew

Come on, guys. I gotta leave in 15 minutes, I still haven't found anything nice to say about Mr. Louder.

Lewis

Oh, I got something. It says here he invented the word "sweatshop."

Drew

[incredulously] Really? Mr. Louder was a crusader for workers' rights.

Lewis

No, not exactly. He's quoted as saying, "I want to see my workers sweat so much in my shops, I can call them sweatshops, or maybe stink boxes. Oh hell, I don't care. I hate workers. Hey, where's my hat? I think I'm gonna be sick." Oh, he was a drinker, too.

Drew

Kate, you got anything about him?

Kate

Well, kind of. Did you know he invented the cubicle?

Drew

No way!

Kate

Yeah. Originally, it was a cage, but he experimented and found out you only need three walls and people are trapped in their minds.

Drew

Oh, my God, I can just walk out!

Drew

First, I have to ask a base question. Mimi Bobeck, did you invent the automobile?

Mimi

Yes, I did.

Give her something more difficult, something impossible for her to say yes to. It'll set this thing off like a pinball machine.

Drew

Alright. Hey Mimi, how'd you like to get out the butter and massage oil and do a little slip 'n slide with me later on?

Mimi

Sounds great. [Once again, the polygraph doesn't move] I am a god! Yes, yes, yes!

Drew

You're just a kid. What are you doing writing for a church newsletter?

What were you doing on a stage?

You know, honey, we never did settle on a name.

Drew

Oh, I'm so exhausted from all this. Why don't you pick?

Well, maybe we should name him after the man who was kind enough to die to give us a priest.

Drew

Oh, that's a wonderful idea. What was Mr. Clark's first name?

Enos.

Drew

Drew Jr. it is.