A character in The Brittas Empire
Brittas
The Brittas Empire · 91 quotes
Most-quoted character in The Brittas Empire: in 62 of its 91 quotes
Most scenes with: Laura (10), Colin (9), Carole (6)
Why am I holding up a green flag?
He's out of my train set, Mr Brittas.
He doesn't look very like me.
Oh, I don't know. He's waving his arms about, blowing a whistle, nobody's taking any notice, and he's entirely made out of plastic.
Interesting walk, Mr Brittas?
Incident-packed, Colin, though not interesting per se. Certainly not as interesting as walk number 27.
Ah, yes, the roundabouts of Whitbury. Their verges and their bollards... Fascinating stuff.
A heady brew for any walker. Give me a hand with this, will you?
Certainly, Mr Brittas... (Starts removing the hose and wheel around Mr Brittas' neck) I've done two more walks myself, Mr Brittas, for your research.
Good man! Debrief in my office, ten minutes.
Wilco, Mr Brittas. I've also rigged up the "Face in the Crowd" display, but I'm afraid I have to report that. Mrs Bidmead has defaced the poster.
(Colin shows Brittas the writing that reads "EXCEPT THE SAUNA AND SOLARIUM")
Dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Shall I call the police?
Not yet, Colin, I'd better look into the matter first.
If it should come to court, Mr Brittas, Carole here was a witness to the whole event.
(Brittas turns to Carole)
Is this true, Carole?
Yes, Mr Brittas.
In fact, it was Carole who lent her the pen.
Really, Carole?
Well, I suppose so...
So you are in fact an accessory to this alleged act of vandalism?
Well, I suppose...
I would be careful what you say, Carole. I shall, of course, be holding a fully internal inquiry, but I'd strongly advise you not to say anything at all till you've spoken to your legal representative.
Yes, Mr Brittas...
Got them old maps you wanted.
Eeeeeexcellent.
And Brussels phoned to see how you're getting on with your "Walks for Health." Apparently, they're getting a very good response from leisure centres throughout Europe.
Good.
There's mad buggers wandering all over the place! And the Germans have already marched through Poland.
Yes, alright, Julie, that's a commentary on walk number 38.
More? I'm gonna induce myself banging away on that keyboard all day, every day.
Er, Julie...
What?
Send a copy to the liaison office at the Ramblers Association, I'm keeping them au fait with the developments...
Yeah, yeah... (exits the office)
Arms wide open, head back, a bit lower... (He and his family smile for the camera just as Mr Brittas and Gavin enter the swimming pool)
So Mrs Bidmead didn't take it?
Not as far as I know, Mr Brittas, no.
Right everybody, positions.
I might have known, it's you!
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
So now, you've added theft to your list of criminal activities, have you? (Points to the poster) That poster is Leisure Centre property. It's also central to an inquiry that I'm currently... (The poster goes in the water) You've really done it now! How can I continue my inquiry now you've destroyed the vital evidence. You are guilty of perverting the course of justice, so I have no alternative but to ban you from this leisure centre for the rest of your natural life.
Mr Brittas, I've... hit a bit of a snag. (Rushes into the changing rooms)
Let's go, please.
Er, Gordon?
In a moment, my darling, just getting rid of these trespassers. (to the trespassers) Out you go, please... Out you go! Out you go there. (to Gavin) Right, Gavin, we are now in a position to close the Centre on the grounds that it is in fact a plague zone.
Right, Mr Brittas.
Right.
Gordon, could you come here a moment, please?
Yes, my angel! (Walks up to Helen)
I don't know quite how to put this...
(The man who was in the pool enters)
Oi, pillock! I've had enough!
(pointing to the man angrily) YOU are banned for life! Gavin, I thought we'd thrown him out.
You can't ban me, I'm on a public right of way!
Naaaaaaaahhh. (Points to the man) That's is where you are wrong, squire. Gavin, eject him forthwith!
(Then, Tim comes in, panicking)
I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I'm panicking! I've seen him... The Grim Reaper, we're all gonna die!
(As Tim says "we're all gonna die", the man who was in the pool throws the ring at Brittas who ducks, but the ring hits the rope holding the sign and the sign hits Harry who falls to the ground with blood coming out of his head)
(Horrified) Oh no! I think you've killed him! My husband!
What?
My husband...
What? (Observes that Harry has died) So, it's finally come to this. (to the man) In a desperate attempt to claim the prize, you've killed the real winner!
(Colin comes out of the staff rest room with a spray bottle in his hand)
Any more for sheep dip?
Colin, call the police.
With pleasure, Mr Brittas. We're finally going to arrest Mrs. Bidmead, are we?
With a television crew in attendance, the Olympic torch comes back from the town hall, held aloft symbolically by Linda. The Olympic torch then lights the Eternal Flame, which represents the fire of human endeavour burning forever.
It's gone out!
Saddam Hussein, here!
Well, he shouldn't be! He hasn't got a ticket!
Has that brine delivery arrived yet?
Yes, Mr Brittas. They're PUMPING it through the back door!
Eeexcellent!
[Mr Brittas, who is wearing a brown jumper, comes down to greet Mr Newmark in the leisure centre's reception]
Ah, Mr Newmark.
Gordon, dear boy, Hail fellow well met. I come most carefully from my hour. (Pulls out his Father Christmas costume) Ah, old friend. It hardly seems a twelfth month since last I donned the scarlet robe.
Been a good year then, has it, Mr Newmark?
Quiet, Gordon, very quiet.
Yes. Did your agent send you here 'cause I haven't actually spoken to him this year.
Nor have I. NO! No, I am mistaken. We did have a brief chat in July. We were discussing my career as Father Christmas, and he told me that in Australia, they have Christmas during the summer, so I went over there in August. It's a complete lie. They have Christmas in December the same as we do.
Yes, of course, but the reason I haven't spoken to your agent, Mr Newmark, is we're not actually booking you this year.
Ho ho ho, you jest.
[laughs] No, I don't jest. You see, we're closing the leisure centre today and we're not open until after Christmas. Staff training in Wales.
But I always play Father Christmas.
Not this year. You're surplus to requirements.
You can't give Father Christmas the sack!
Don't tell me 'cause you already got one! [laughs]
Captain Kipper B. Brown. I run the centre.
Gordon Brittas. I run the centre...Whitbury New Town Leisure Centre! [laughs]
He's really got you going. I can almost smell the fear.
That could be me, Mr Brittas. Haven't been able to change me socks.
97 different ways of killing people!
I've just thought of number 98.
Timothy! You've arranged to play squash with Gavin, you're all set and raring to go. When suddenly, he stands you up because he's decided to go out with his girlfriend! Course of action?
Well, there are a number of options, Mr Brittas: tampering with his brakes, electrocuting him with his CD player...
No! You play with yourself!
What are you doing?
Sharpening my pencil, ready for the morning! Fortunately, my darling, you're married to a man who keeps a pencil sharpener in his bedside cabinet.
I have just broken the news to Gavin's parents over the phone, and needless to say, they were very distressed.
Especially when you reversed the charges.
So, what're you going to do if the press get hold of this? You know how they made a mountain out of a molehill when the centre burned down.
All part of handling our friends in the media, Julie. (picks up the phone and dials) Nip it in the bud with some swift positive action...Hello, Whitbury Evening News? News desk, please...Hello, Gordon Brittas, manager of Whitbury Leisure Centre. I'd just like to quell any rumours you might have heard about there being an outbreak of contagious disease here at the leisure centre. Oh, and by the way, it's definitely not bobular fever.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Brittas Empire pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
