Laura quotes from The Brittas Empire

Laura

You know what Brittas said: if he found it in here again, he'd confiscate it.

Laura

If you remember, Mr Brittas, you told the ambulance men to come round to the back in future. You thought it was better for morale.

Laura

Laura Lancing, Deputy Manager Dry.

Colin

Colin Weatherby, Deputy Manager, wet.

I think we'll just have to manage without a cleaning lady for today.

Laura

No, she's going for good, and her husband with her. He's the heating engineer, and he's turned off all the boilers. The building inspector says he can't give a building worthiness certificate until he's seen the heating in action, and he wants you to know that he can't come again for a fortnight.

All I can say is: thank God I got here today! Just imagine if all this had happened yesterday with no one to sort it out, eh?

Poor Helen! She must have been through hell. Look, I'd better get back and give her the good news.

Laura

Would you like me to ring her?

No, thanks, Laura. I'd rather do it myself. This sort of thing can be a bit of a shock if it's not done properly. (exit)

Laura

(to Linda) Phone Helen!

Laura

They've paid rather a lot of money, haven't they?

It's a charity concert, Laura. People don't come to hear the music.

Helen

Could you give this to my husband? (hands her a note)

Laura

Yes, of course.

Helen

It's just to tell him it's fish cakes for supper and I'm pregnant.

Laura

You're what?!

Helen

Well, after today's events, I thought the news had rather lost its novelty value, but someone ought to tell him.

Laura

He's promised not to speak for eight hours.

Carole

Eight hours? But how on earth will he do all his managing?

Laura

D'you know, it hasn't made as much different as you'd have thought?

Everyone seems to know who I am.

Laura

Colin didn't recognise you.

Hardly reassuring from a man who's just dreamt he's an eagle with mange.

I wonder, could you have a quick word with young Linda for me, please.

Laura

Of course. Anything in particular?

I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard. I need to get my clothes out.

Laura

Can't you ask her?

I have, several times, but she refuses to come out.

Today was going to be such a good day. I woke up this morning, and my heart filled with thoughts of all the joyous, wonderful things we were going to give to people when they came through these doors. And now...

Laura

Now we haven't got any doors.

You know, Laura, there are some people in this world (mercifully, not too many) who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people, and just create chaos! They probably don't mean to. They probably think they're trying to help, but the end result...(imitates explosion sound) Know what I mean?

Laura

Yes, I think I do.

He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter!

Laura

He just didn't want her to get hurt.

That's how it always starts, Laura. You think lies are going to make things easier, so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed you were doing, you keep the 10p you found on the pavement, you tell the Poppy Day lady you've already given. Next thing you know, you're fiddling your tax and taking paperclips home from work!

The important thing is not to let her get upset or frustrated.

Laura

Absolutely. We mustn't let her get angry...where's Mr Brittas?

Laura

How are you?

Helen

Not so bad...well, fairly bad. You know Carole's living with us now...and her children...and Gordon.