Brittas quotes from The Brittas Empire

Carole, can I have the solvent please?

Colin

It's no good, Mr Brittas.

Pardon?

Colin

She's in a trance. I think she's having another vision.

Well, do you think we could wake her up, Colin? I need the solvent.

Colin

I don't think that would be wise, Mr Brittas.

Carole

No, no, not more blood in here. Not in here, please!

Colin, the borough council employs Carole 'cause of her skills as a receptionist, not 'cause she claims to see into next week with an eye in the middle of her forehead. Wake her up, will you?

Colin

Mr Brittas?

What is it now?

Colin

You've got a telephone stuck to your ear, Mr Brittas.

I am aware of that, Colin!

You know I get hecklers during my sermons? I've had godparents trying to throttle me against the font! Three weeks ago, someone fired a shotgun at me just while I was announcing a hymn!

We all have little setbacks, you know.

Everyone seems to know who I am.

Laura

Colin didn't recognise you.

Hardly reassuring from a man who's just dreamt he's an eagle with mange.

I wonder, could you have a quick word with young Linda for me, please.

Laura

Of course. Anything in particular?

I need her to unlock the stationery cupboard. I need to get my clothes out.

Laura

Can't you ask her?

I have, several times, but she refuses to come out.

Sebastian Coe, Colin! This is Sebastian Coe OBE MP!

Colin

Yes, Mr Brittas.

And you have chained him by the ankle to a staircase.

Today was going to be such a good day. I woke up this morning, and my heart filled with thoughts of all the joyous, wonderful things we were going to give to people when they came through these doors. And now...

Laura

Now we haven't got any doors.

You know, Laura, there are some people in this world (mercifully, not too many) who can walk into a building full of happy, contented people, and just create chaos! They probably don't mean to. They probably think they're trying to help, but the end result...(imitates explosion sound) Know what I mean?

Laura

Yes, I think I do.

He's been telling lies, and to his own daughter!

Laura

He just didn't want her to get hurt.

That's how it always starts, Laura. You think lies are going to make things easier, so you tell the policeman you don't know what speed you were doing, you keep the 10p you found on the pavement, you tell the Poppy Day lady you've already given. Next thing you know, you're fiddling your tax and taking paperclips home from work!

Linda

I could ask Edward. I'm sure he'd come. We were at school together.

Thank you, Linda. See, that wasn't difficult. Why can't you do that, Tim?

Well, Edward's already going with Linda.

On seeing a potential hazard, we think about it, don't we? We identify the problems. Then we tell the rest of the team. "Think, Identify, Tell".

TIT!

I'm sorry, Tim?

I said "tit", Mr Brittas.

It's a mnemonic, Mr Brittas.

Linda

(beaming) Me? Pregnant?

No question of doubt. It's down here in black and white.

Linda

Oh, I don't mind what colour it is, as long as it's a baby!

Timothy, you're a woman, aren't you?

(pauses) I'm a what?

I have the lab report on your sample, Tim. By the way, you're also pregnant.

Laura, how's the lorry driver?

Laura

Yeah, I gave him your message about staying, Mr Brittas, but he said he'd rather take his chances in the snow.

Julie

Why can't we use the canteen?

If you remember, Julie, the canteen was sealed by the police until after the inquests.

If there's food in there...

Laura

I spoke to one of the forensic scientists, Gavin. You wouldn't want to touch it.