(pondering) Let's see... I want a... umm...
(cut to female customer)
FCFemale customer
(speaking quickly) I'll take two small lemonades with ice, two small lemonades without ice, three large lemonades — one with ice, one with no ice, one with crushed ice...
(cut back to Granddad)
You guys have aaummmmmm... uh... hmmm...
(cut to Riley)
(slaps some change on the counter) That's all I got.
That's all I got! Make it work, I'm thirsty!
I ain't got no dollar! It's hot as hell out here, man, jus hook me up! All the money I spend up in this place? This some ol' bullshit!
Lemonade... is... a... DOLLAR!
(cut back to Granddad)
Hmm... Do you guys have anything other than lemonade?
(stares annoyingly at him)
(cut to Huey)
Jazmine, this is stupid. You're bein' exploited.
You'll never get anywhere in this world without doing a fair day's work for a fair day's pay.
Jazmine, Ed's never gonna give you that pony!
(cut to Tom)
Peaches, I think it's time you come inside.
Can't talk, Dad, makin' lemonade.
Come on, honey, I want you inside now.
ACAnnoyed customer one
I have been waiting twenty minutes for this lemonade.
ACAnnoyed customer two
I'm thirsty!
(approaching Tom) What's the problem?
Mr. Wuncler, ya know, yesterday I thought this was cute, but, don't you think you guys are taking this a little far?
Jazmine can leave whenever she wants, but Sammy Davis, Jr. the Pony will have to be put down.
He's your pony now. Your percentage was supposed to pay for his food and upkeep. Now he'll starve to death in a puddle of his own feces.
(obligedly) Oh come on... Mr. Wuncler...
I don't wanna leave, Mr. Wuncler! Please, Daddy, don't make me leave!
(pulling Tom aside) There you have it. You know the name of the game; your daughter chose me. Now we can handle this like some gentlemen, or we can get into some old gangster shit.
(nervous, goes back to Jazmine) Okay, best of luck, honey! (he scurries away)
At this point we’re resorting to what I call “desperation tactics.”
(whispering) I’ve sent anonymous letters to the governor threatening to expose his gay lover.
SShabazz
I wasn’t aware the governor was gay…
He probably isn’t. But I figure ten percent of the population is gay, and probably about half of people cheat on their spouses; so I figure that plan has about a five percent chance of success. Better than nothing.
What? You always say I should have faith. Well that’s me having faith. Random anonymous blackmail...
Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.
(interrupting) First of all, I'm gonna live forever, but if I do die I'm gonna smack God upside the head and go tell him to get me a grilled cheese sandwich and some tacos...
(to Huey) When I want something, or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?
(interrupting) ...And I dare God to say something. I be like, "Say somethin' God! Say somethin'! Yea I thought so..."
(to Huey) You should pray for Shabazz — God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to Him... He's God.
(continuing)...And if God say somethin' I be like this. (he makes punching motions) Take that God. (Huey shakes his head) I be beatin' God's jaw like blikaa, blaa.
[Granddad looks at the menu and sees the extremely high prices for snacks.]
[He looks at the Receptionist.]
Large, freshly-popped popcorn, please, and lots of butter.
[The receptionist gives him his popcorn.]
RReceptionist
(uninterestedly) Anything else?
I asked for butter on it.
RReceptionist
Butter's over there.
[Cut to a very poorly maintained condiment station.]
I don't wanna put the butter on it. Why can't you do it?
RReceptionist
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
I don't wanna put the butter on it! I already paid twenty dollars for this bullshit popcorn. I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn!
RReceptionist
(still monotone) Why? It's really easy.
Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater! That's why!
RReceptionist
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
...If I go to Burger King, and order a cheeseburger, THEY DON'T MAKE ME PUT THE CHEESE ON IT, DO THEY GODDAMMIT!?
(leaving Huey and Jazmine at the movie theater after watching Soul Plane 2)
Heh, heh. That was great, Granddad. Boy I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
I don't know. I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
They knew the risks, so they might do a little time. We'll see them when they get out.
Ahhh, it doesn't seem right. I'm going back and turning myself in.
Turn yourself?--man--Granddad, look, come on. I mean, I love Huey. almost like a brother, but what's done is done. We've got to let go of the past! If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room?
(Granddad walks away)
Ah, come on, Granddad! You supposed to be setting a better example!
What happened to the movie theater? Y'all should be ashamed! How come when I order a soda-pop, I get an empty cup? I didn't ask for an empty cup! I asked for a soda-pop! And what asshole started puttin' commercials in movies? I could go home and watch commercials on the TV! And the bathroom stinks; clean the fuckin' bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I paid too much money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfuckin' popcorn! It's only popcorn!
[Granddad screams loud enough so that the whole movie theatre can hear him.]
Well, I've been standin' at the ticket window all day, and I don't remember you buyin' a ticket, Robert Freeman.
Well, I...uh, bought my tickets online...
AHA! A damn lie! I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to operate a personal computer! Not even a Macintosh!
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
All right! I get the point.
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
Hey Tom? Tom? Get down here.
(walks into living room) Uh, what's going on guys?
Uh, Mr. Dubois, My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and this sir, is an intervention.
Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from chronic Bitch Dependency Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?
(looks around room) Is this some kind of joke?
Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even you money. It's a disease Tom.
Wait, what did you say your name was, again?
Well thank you for asking, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
(interrupting) --Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing, if you would. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.
Look Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback--
(interrupting again) --No need for the "Mister".
I-I don't think I need any help from (scoffs) someone like you.
And by (scoffs) 'someone like me', you mean a pimp, a bad guy?
Now look, I'm not trying to insult you, I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
(jeering) Ooooh! So I'm wrong! So I'm messed up! We'll which one of us is the one missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch! I know where all of my bitches are, thank you very much! (dials number) Bitch where you at?! (ho speaks) I'm out here, gettin' yo money! (Slickback retorts) That's what the hell I thought, thank you grandma! (to Tom) Now look at you! Bitchless! Sans bitch, as the French in France would say!
(visibly annoyed) I've had enough! I'm going back upstairs!
Tom! Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary. But damn! Tom, I just don't see any end in sight!
It's only been two days--.
(interrupting) --Nigga, hush! You're living under my roof now. If you stay here, you're going to get some help.
You know what? I know a great therapist. I'll make an appointment today!
(slowly)That, also would have been a good idea but, we've already paid Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of 2,500 dollars.
Robert, you shouldn't have.
Yeah, I see you too. Whatcha want, Nigga?
Aw man, same shit. What's up with you?
Da fuck you mean "what's up with me"? I'm sitting right here next to you.
Voice sound real sexy right now...
You wanna talk to me later on?
No, I don't wanna talk later on motherfucker! WHAT DA FUCK IS WRONG WIT YOU?! WHAT DA FUCK'S SO SEXY ABOUT MY VOICE?!
(Reveals the Bluetooth on his left ear) Ah man, my bad, I was on the phone.
Great, you got one of those ridiculous fucking headset.
Okay, now last week I was in the strip club, right? I had titties in one hand, titties in the other hand, I had two hands full of titties. That's bigger than two scoops of raisins; I'm still talking to my accountant at the same time. What's not to like about that?!!
Okay, first of all, I don't know when you talkin' to me, or when you talkin' on the god damn phone. Second, when people wear those thing, they appear to be talkin' to theirselves, there's a name for people who talk to theirselves, Ed... they're called the homeless!
Man, bitches love this Bluetooth shit, it changed my life! I don't know what to do with my hands now!
Be that as it may, no technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head, Ed; it lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to ya until you finish, which you indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!
