Badger quotes from The Animals of Farthing Wood

Badger

Even a dormouse couldn’t sleep after Weasel's singing!

Badger

Oh Moley! If only your tears weren't salty, none of us would ever be thirsty again!

Badger

Look at this place. Just look at it, Weasel.

Weasel

Ahahahahah! Doesn't get any better!

Badger

I don't know what you're laughing at. [sighs] How many more homes have we lost today, Owl?

Owl

Half a dozen semi-attached burrows, three fully furnished squirrel holes and at least 15 immaculately kept nests. [sees a tree fall down] Oh. 16.

Badger

Chopping away at us every day. Still, they're not satisfied.

Weasel

[gulps] Don't look now, they'll be on us any minute! Any second!

Badger

Ah, our days are numbered.

Badger

Isn't an assembly a bit drastic?

Fox

[walks up to a small ridge near the trickle] If this isn't drastic...

Mr. Hedgehog

Hmm, exactly.

Fox

Then what is?

Badger

But a Farthing Wood assembly, Fox? Why we haven't had one of those in years. They're only ever called if there's an.... er...

Weasel

Emergency?

Fox

And I call this an emergency.

Weasel

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Fox

Not to put too fine a point on it, without water, we animals of Farthing Wood are hardly likely to survive.

Mr. Hedgehog

Hmm, here, here.

Weasel

I mean, if you wouldn't call that an emergency, what would you call it? Alice? Ahahaha!

Badger

[unimpressed] Very funny.

Mr. Hedgehog

Erm, but if you don't mind my asking, what'll having some assembly achieve?

Mrs. Rabbit

What can we mere animals do?

Fox

I'm not sure yet. But I reckon that if you and me and Badger and Weasel can get every single member of our woodland community together fast, then maybe one of us might come up with...

Mrs. Rabbit

A solution?

Weasel

[clapping] Clever clogs, clever clogs!

Badger

Oh, somehow, I thought it might be you, Owl.

Owl

You're surly not excepting us to go down there, are you?

Badger

Yes.

Owl

Out of the question [turns back] won't get me down there.

Weasel

Told you so.

Owl

[turns around] He who dwells in the soil himself becomes soiled. He who dwells in the light shall find enlightenment.

Badger

Owl, I know I can rely on you to set an example, and I assure you that my home is quite spotless.

Owl

Well, if you put it that way. [flies down]

Mr. Pheasant

Not late, are we, Badger? Only, you know what the females are like. Takes so long to get ready, eh?

Mrs. Pheasant

It's always my fault.

Mr. Pheasant

Of course.

Badger

Now, are we all here?

Adder

Not lassst, am I, Badger?

Badger

Well someone has to be, Adder. Just follow the glow worms and don't eat!

Adder

Ssshucks! I was looking forward to a few glow worms!

Badger

Now, friends. Adder. And fellow woodlanders.

What's this all about?

Owl

Do get on with it!

Badger

You don't need me to underline the gravity of our situation.

Fox

We're all aware that since the giant Earth movers have moved in...

Badger

Life in Farthing Wood has become steadily more and more hazardous. For one and all.

Toad

I'm still here!

Badger

First they devastated our habitat. And now...

Kestrel

They've even filled in our pond. Filled in our pond.

Badger

Yet still we've hung in there.

Kestrel

Blooded but unbowed.

Badger

But is there any way out from this dilemma?

Owl

Where indeed is the solution to our problems?

Toad

[arrives in through the roof] I'm here maties! I'm coming!

Badger

Toad!

Owl

Your powers of deduction are admirable, Badger.

Toad

Ha-ha, same old Owlie!

Owl

Same old Toad.

Toad

Bet you never thought you'd see me again, eh, maties? [Owl turns back]

Adder

We were ssso ssaddened you sssnuffed it.

Mrs. Rabbit

But where have you been?

Toad

Where haven't I been more like. Taken away against my will, weren't I? Captivated I were and took off in a jam jar. But all the time I were away, I kept saying myself Toad, you must get, home. It was the thought that you lot kept me going.

Adder

Fancy.

Toad

Must get back to my maties I kept thinking. Must get back to my...

Mole

Pond?

Toad

Exactly.

Badger

Speaking of which, um, I'm afraid.

Toad

What?

Owl

There's some rather bad news, Toad.

Mole

It's your p-p-po-p-p-pond, Toad. You see?

Owl

It's been filled in.

Toad

What?! [faints]

Owl

You see, Toad, you have to understand there have been a great many changes. [Toad gets up] While you've been away...

Toad

But my pond!

Fox

Gone completely I'm afraid.

Toad

And the newts' puddle? [He sees the newts sob together] And the stream?

Fox

Just a muddy trickle now, which is why we've called this assembly, Toad.

Toad

[bursts into tears] Oh!

Owl

If we ever get to hold this meeting.

Fox

You see, we've got to face facts, old son. As a community, we're all but finished here. Man and his machines have seen to that.

Toad

[angrily pounding his fists] Don't talk to me about those machines! I know all about them!

Fox

In fact, it must be obvious to everyone here that...

Owl

...If we don't find a new watering hole within the next few days...

Fox

...Then we are going to be in the very worst kind of distress. If you know what I mean. [the animals look worried]

Mole

Could we try... digging water?

Owl

In earth as dry as a biscuit? Don't be silly, Mole.

Toad

I knows the place that we could go to.

Owl

Who asked you?

Toad

It's a great little place, a wonderful place.

Badger

Poor old Toad. Obviously rambling poor fella.

Toad

Purpose-built for animals like us.

Mole

Was it really, Toad?

Toad

They calls it 'White Deer Park', Moley.

Mole

White Deer?

Toad

'Tis a nature preserve.

Mole

Is it really?

Toad

It's a place where all wild creatures are protected by humans.

Weasel

Ahahahahaha! Hahahahaha!

Owl

If such a place existed, I would know about it.

Mole

Did you come upon this Deer White place on your travels, Toad?

Toad

That I did, Moley. Hur!

Mole

Deer White Park, eh?

Badger

Hmm. White Deer Park.

Owl

Never heard of either of them.

Toad

Well, I know it well and nowhere's better I reckon.

Badger

Well, Fox? What do you think?

Fox

Have we any alternative?

Badger

Humm, quite. Then White Deer Park it is, everyone.

Owl

What?!

Fox

All those in favour.

Aye!

Toad

Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hur!

Badger

Well done, Toad.

[Weasel claps her paws] Hooray!

Badger

My late father remembered it, when those men first started cutting down our trees... to build their brick and glass boxes. It was called the Oath of Mutual Protection.

Oath of Mutual Protection?

Badger

It's a promise not to...

Fox

... Frighten?

Owl

... Terrorize or consume one another.

Adder

Not... eat... one another? Who's the sssnake supposed to survive?

Badger

Quite. So if you'll all raise your right paw... [Owl looks at her wings] or claw. [Owl raises her right wing] And repeat after me. I, name of animal.

Toad

I, name of animal.

Badger

No! I, Toad! Or um...

I, Rabbit.

Badger

Yes.

I, [Fieldmouse, Rabbit, Hare, Squirrel]

Badger

Do solemly swear...

Do solemly swear...

Badger

Not to swallow anybody.

Not to swallow anybody.

Adder

Not to swallow... [whispering] Except when nobody's looking.

Badger

...While on route to this place of Toad's. Toad will obviously be our guide on your journey.

Toad

And, leader!

Badger

Um, just guide, I think, Toad. But, Toad is right. We will need a leader. Someone we can look up to. Someone cunning and courageous and...

Weasel

Preferably not a snake? Ahahahaha! [Everyone laughs, except Adder who glares at Weasel] Joking! [gulps]

Badger

I therefore nominate... Fox, to be our leader.

Fox?

Mr. Hare

Huh?! Are you off your trolley?!

Why Fox?

Fox

Thanks a bundle, Badger.

[scared] Fox? But why Fox?

Badger

No, no, no, no, Fox has all the right qualities, Hare. He's an experienced traveler, er, roams far and wide over all sorts of terrain and he's used to scavenging.

Owl

Huh!

Badger

Oh, don't be like that, Owl. We can't all be leader. Now, I'm sure we've got lots of things to do before we leave [Rabbit, Hedgehog, Fieldmouse and Squirrel leave], eating our last few berries and, er, cleaning our fur coats. So just don't forget... midnight!

Fox

We meet by the Great Beech of midnight.

Midnight! Midnight! Midnight at the Great Beech! Midnight at the Great Beech!

Mr. Pheasant

It's a nightmare!

Mrs. Pheasant

Yes, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

How would they like it if they were hunted all the time? They'd not be singing and dancing then!

Mrs. Pheasant

No, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

I'll be a sitting target!

Mrs. Pheasant

I'll do my best to look after you.

Mr. Pheasant

You? What good are you?!

Badger

Twenty three, twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine...

Fox

Are we all here, Badger?

Badger

[sighs] Afraid not, Fox. Mole is missing.

Adder

Let's do ourselves a favor and give him the slip. Mole's slow, stupid and tasteless!

Badger

He's better company than you any day, Adder! We cannot leave without Mole.

Fox

Sorry, Badger. There's no time to waste. We're going now. [Adder chuckles]

Badger

Well, you go on then. Mole and I will catch up with you. [leaves to find Mole]

Fox

Alright, everyone, we're moving off.

We're going to be alright... [Kestrel calls] One adventure can't wait. Hooray! Hooray!

Fox

Toad, take the lead. And remember, we're all relying on you.

Toad

Righto, matey! [hops]

[wails] Water!

Owl

It seems that some of us can scarcely put one foot in front of the other. The newts won't last the night.

Fox

Only you can find water in the dark, Owl.

Owl

True. I shall fly ahead. Rely on me!

Mrs Rabbit

Good luck, Owl.

Fox

[thinking] Luck's something we're all going to need.

Badger

Is that you, Moley?

Mole

Go away.

Badger

Moley, everyone's waiting for you!

Mole

Don't stop, Badger. I'm not going. They could plead and plead with me, but I made up my mind, I'm not going.

Badger

Whyever not, Mole?

Mole

[crying] Because... because... it wouldn't be fair on the rest of you. [weeps]

Badger

Nonsense, Mole! We couldn't leave without you!

Mole

I'd only hold you up because I'm so little, and... and...

Badger

And what, Moley?

Mole

Slow.

Badger

Slow?

Mole

And... tasteless... [sobs]

Badger

Ah, Adder. You know better than to listen to her. We all took the oath of mutual protection. and that means... it means, um... I'll look after you, Moley.

Mole

[emerges from the ground] All the way?

Badger

All the way. It wouldn't be the same without you, Mole.

Mole

Honest?

Badger

Honest, Moley. You're coming with me. Leave you behind, indeed.

Mole

[relieved] Oh, Badger.

Mole

[About riding on Badger] I feel so guilty riding along like this, while everyone else is so tired and I'm not helping at all.

Badger

You're more help where you are than you would be on the ground, Moley.

Mole

I could keep up, now that you've all slowed down!

Adder

I'd swap places with Mole any time.

Weasel

What would you hold on with? Your teeth?

Adder

I'd be pleased to steal a ride on you... Weasel!

Badger

Traveled too far yesterday, Fox.

Toad

Too fast for us small animals, too slow for you.

Badger

Hmm, true, Toad. It's very uncomfortable for us larger animals.

Mole

Oh dear, it's all my fault. Oh, oh, I'm sorry, Badger.

Badger

I didn't mean you were making me uncomfortable, Moley. Go on, eat your worms. It's alright.

Fox

You're right, Badger. We can't slow our pace any further. What are we going to do?

Weasel

I know! What Adder needs is a sting in the tail! [laughs] That'll make her move!

Adder

I'll give you a sting in the tail!

Fox

Some weasels never learn.

Fox

Well, I'm afraid we'd better be going. I'd like to get to the other side of the marsh before night. Goodbye, newts, and good luck.

[waving] Thank you for everything, Fox.

Fox

Time to go, everybody.

Badger

Goodbye. Moley? Where have you gone now?

Mole

Here I am.

Badger

[picks Mole up] It's time to go!

Mole

But you said I could look for worms.

Badger

Later! Later.

Owl

One day, Moley, you'll be so fat you'll get stuck down one of your own tunnels!

Mole

[burps] Oh, pardon.