Mr. Pheasant quotes from The Animals of Farthing Wood

Mr. Pheasant

Imagine. Afraid of a sack!

Mr. Pheasant

Not late, are we, Badger? Only, you know what the females are like. Takes so long to get ready, eh?

Mrs. Pheasant

It's always my fault.

Mr. Pheasant

Of course.

Badger

Now, are we all here?

Adder

Not lassst, am I, Badger?

Badger

Well someone has to be, Adder. Just follow the glow worms and don't eat!

Adder

Ssshucks! I was looking forward to a few glow worms!

Mr. Pheasant

It's a nightmare!

Mrs. Pheasant

Yes, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

How would they like it if they were hunted all the time? They'd not be singing and dancing then!

Mrs. Pheasant

No, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

I'll be a sitting target!

Mrs. Pheasant

I'll do my best to look after you.

Mr. Pheasant

You? What good are you?!

Badger

Twenty three, twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine...

Fox

Are we all here, Badger?

Badger

[sighs] Afraid not, Fox. Mole is missing.

Adder

Let's do ourselves a favor and give him the slip. Mole's slow, stupid and tasteless!

Badger

He's better company than you any day, Adder! We cannot leave without Mole.

Fox

Sorry, Badger. There's no time to waste. We're going now. [Adder chuckles]

Badger

Well, you go on then. Mole and I will catch up with you. [leaves to find Mole]

Fox

Alright, everyone, we're moving off.

We're going to be alright... [Kestrel calls] One adventure can't wait. Hooray! Hooray!

Fox

Toad, take the lead. And remember, we're all relying on you.

Toad

Righto, matey! [hops]

[wails] Water!

Owl

It seems that some of us can scarcely put one foot in front of the other. The newts won't last the night.

Fox

Only you can find water in the dark, Owl.

Owl

True. I shall fly ahead. Rely on me!

Mrs Rabbit

Good luck, Owl.

Fox

[thinking] Luck's something we're all going to need.

Mrs. Pheasant

Wake up, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

[startled] DON'T SHOOT!!!

Mrs. Pheasant

Time to go, dear.

Do stop snoring dear.

Mr. Hedgehog

Me? I don't snore.

That's what you always say, but I think your snores are positively earth shattering.

Mr. Pheasant

I say! It's a pheasant shoot!

Mrs. Pheasant

For once, I have to admit you're right, dear.

Mr. Pheasant

"For once"?!

Kestrel

One of the soldiers has raised his gun. He's sticking a knife on the end of it.

Mr. Pheasant

I say! That's none too sporting!

Fox

Throw that away! It might be dangerous!

Weasel

[shocked] Oops!

Mrs. Pheasant

Are you alright, dear?

Mr. Pheasant

I'll never be able to turn my back on anyone again! [sobs]

Mrs. Pheasant

That'll be a nice change.

Fox

Is that all you're worried about?!

Mr. Pheasant

When you've been shot at as often as I have, Fox, you realize nothing's more important than one's personal dignity!

Fox

The quicker we're out of here, the better! Get into single file, everybody, and don't step out of line! This is dangerous country! Toad? Where's Toad?!

Owl

Too tired to move.

Fox

Take a rest, everybody. I'm going back for him.

Mr. Pheasant

[wakes up] DAAAAAH!!!

Mrs. Pheasant

There. That's better now.

Mr. Pheasant

What have you done?!

Mrs. Pheasant

I've just added a stray feather to your tail, dear, to hide the burnt bits. Oooh, it do look lovely!

Mr. Pheasant

[suspicious] What kind of feather?

Mrs. Pheasant

Well, I think it's one of Owl's actually--

Mr. Pheasant

THAT DOWDY FEMALE?!

Owl

Beggars can't be choosers, Pheasant.

Kestrel

You should be grateful.

Mr. Pheasant

Grateful?! What?! [To his wife, Mrs. Pheasant] To have her feathers in my beautiful tail?! Stupid bird! Take it out at once!

Mr. Pheasant

As if any other creature had feathers anywhere near as handsome as mine!

Mrs. Pheasant

[sadly] I was only doing my best.

Fox

Peace... Perfect peace.

Kestrel

[to the Pheasants] Stop squabbling! Can't you see Fox is tired? And look at all the others. Welcome, Badger.

Badger

Thank you, Kestrel. Not much like home, is it?

Owl

Any boat hole in a storm.

Fox

You never said a truer word, Owl. Personally, I'm just glad to get out of the wet.

[to his dog Bruno] Right, Bruno, now's your chance to save your skin. Guard that door. And guard it well. Because if that fox escapes, you'll be as dead as this bird. [he holds up a dead Mrs. Pheasant]

Mr. Pheasant

[wails] My wife!

[to Fox] You wait 'till I'm reloading my gun, Fox. I'll get my own back on you, you see if I don't.

Fox

Check the windows.

Owl

They're shut.

Owl

I'm afraid your wife's going to be the farmer's dinner, Pheasant.

Mr. Pheasant

[cries] Where? Where is she?

Mrs. Hare

Poor Pheasant, no wonder you were so scared all the time.

Weasel

Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you! Ahahaha!

Fox

[hears Bruno growling] It must be some way out. [hears Bruno panting] Owl?

Owl

This is going to take some thinking about. [closes her eyes]

Mum, she's fallen asleep.

Mrs. Rabbit

Shhh... [Bruno growls at the barn door and whines]

Gaah! [goes back to the house and closes the door] That fox is done for this time!

He'll keep. Your dinner won't. [puts down the plate of chicken drumstick and boiled vegetables]

Oh! [closes his shotgun] Women!

Mr. Pheasant

[sobs] My poor wife...

Mrs. Hare

Yes... [to Mr. Hare] we must be nice to him, dear. Do try.

Mr. Pheasant

It's only now she's gone, I realise how much she did for me. [sobs] Who's going to dig for my grubs now?

Mr. Hare

Oh! I draw the line at that!

Mr. Pheasant

Psst... Adder. Psst! Adder! UGHHH!

Huh?

Adder

Psssst! PHEASSSANT! GET OUT OF SSSIGHT!

Mr. Pheasant

I can't see anything! Where are you, Adder?

Adder

Never mind you seeing me! Don't let the farmer see you! Whoops! [she hides]

Mr. Pheasant

...Farmer?

Badger

Oh... NO!

Mrs. Hare

If that's Pheasant, I'll never forgive myself.

Owl

Need another volunteer, Fox?

Fox

Owl, I'd be grateful if you were a little less critical and a little more helpful.

Owl

You want me to help?

Fox

You could offer to go back for Adder.

Owl

[yawning] I suppose I could.

Fox

So why don't you?

Owl

Well, it's almost night and wings are faster than the fleetest of foot. So I suppose I might as well volunteer. [takes off flying] See you soon!

Fox

That bird.

Badger

Look. A stranger.