The Animals of Farthing Wood · Season 1, Episode 1
[Kestrel flies]
Look at this place. Just look at it, Weasel.
Ahahahahah! Doesn't get any better!
I don't know what you're laughing at. [sighs] How many more homes have we lost today, Owl?
Half a dozen semi-attached burrows, three fully furnished squirrel holes and at least 15 immaculately kept nests. [sees a tree fall down] Oh. 16.
Chopping away at us every day. Still, they're not satisfied.
[gulps] Don't look now, they'll be on us any minute! Any second!
Ah, our days are numbered.
Isn't an assembly a bit drastic?
[walks up to a small ridge near the trickle] If this isn't drastic...
Hmm, exactly.
Then what is?
But a Farthing Wood assembly, Fox? Why we haven't had one of those in years. They're only ever called if there's an.... er...
Emergency?
[Badger joins Fox near the trickle]
And I call this an emergency.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
Not to put too fine a point on it, without water, we animals of Farthing Wood are hardly likely to survive.
Hmm, here, here.
I mean, if you wouldn't call that an emergency, what would you call it? Alice? Ahahaha!
[unimpressed] Very funny.
Erm, but if you don't mind my asking, what'll having some assembly achieve?
What can we mere animals do?
I'm not sure yet. But I reckon that if you and me and Badger and Weasel can get every single member of our woodland community together fast, then maybe one of us might come up with...
A solution?
[clapping] Clever clogs, clever clogs!
Oh, somehow, I thought it might be you, Owl.
You're surly not excepting us to go down there, are you?
Yes.
Out of the question [turns back] won't get me down there.
Told you so.
[turns around] He who dwells in the soil himself becomes soiled. He who dwells in the light shall find enlightenment.
Owl, I know I can rely on you to set an example, and I assure you that my home is quite spotless.
Well, if you put it that way. [flies down]
Not late, are we, Badger? Only, you know what the females are like. Takes so long to get ready, eh?
It's always my fault.
Of course.
Now, are we all here?
Not lassst, am I, Badger?
Well someone has to be, Adder. Just follow the glow worms and don't eat!
Ssshucks! I was looking forward to a few glow worms!
Now, friends. Adder. And fellow woodlanders.
What's this all about?
Do get on with it!
You don't need me to underline the gravity of our situation.
We're all aware that since the giant Earth movers have moved in...
Life in Farthing Wood has become steadily more and more hazardous. For one and all.
[Outside, a big rock moves and Toad climbs out of the ground]
I'm still here!
First they devastated our habitat. And now...
They've even filled in our pond. Filled in our pond.
Yet still we've hung in there.
Blooded but unbowed.
But is there any way out from this dilemma?
Where indeed is the solution to our problems?
[arrives in through the roof] I'm here maties! I'm coming!
Toad!
Your powers of deduction are admirable, Badger.
Ha-ha, same old Owlie!
Same old Toad.
Bet you never thought you'd see me again, eh, maties? [Owl turns back]
We were ssso ssaddened you sssnuffed it.
But where have you been?
Where haven't I been more like. Taken away against my will, weren't I? Captivated I were and took off in a jam jar. But all the time I were away, I kept saying myself Toad, you must get, home. It was the thought that you lot kept me going.
Fancy.
Must get back to my maties I kept thinking. Must get back to my...
Pond?
Exactly.
Speaking of which, um, I'm afraid.
What?
There's some rather bad news, Toad.
It's your p-p-po-p-p-pond, Toad. You see?
It's been filled in.
What?! [faints]
You see, Toad, you have to understand there have been a great many changes. [Toad gets up] While you've been away...
But my pond!
Gone completely I'm afraid.
And the newts' puddle? [He sees the newts sob together] And the stream?
Just a muddy trickle now, which is why we've called this assembly, Toad.
[bursts into tears] Oh!
If we ever get to hold this meeting.
You see, we've got to face facts, old son. As a community, we're all but finished here. Man and his machines have seen to that.
[angrily pounding his fists] Don't talk to me about those machines! I know all about them!
In fact, it must be obvious to everyone here that...
...If we don't find a new watering hole within the next few days...
...Then we are going to be in the very worst kind of distress. If you know what I mean. [the animals look worried]
Could we try... digging water?
In earth as dry as a biscuit? Don't be silly, Mole.
I knows the place that we could go to.
Who asked you?
It's a great little place, a wonderful place.
Poor old Toad. Obviously rambling poor fella.
Purpose-built for animals like us.
Was it really, Toad?
They calls it 'White Deer Park', Moley.
White Deer?
'Tis a nature preserve.
Is it really?
It's a place where all wild creatures are protected by humans.
Ahahahahaha! Hahahahaha!
If such a place existed, I would know about it.
Did you come upon this Deer White place on your travels, Toad?
That I did, Moley. Hur!
Deer White Park, eh?
Hmm. White Deer Park.
Never heard of either of them.
Well, I know it well and nowhere's better I reckon.
Well, Fox? What do you think?
Have we any alternative?
Humm, quite. Then White Deer Park it is, everyone.
What?!
All those in favour.
Aye!
Hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hu-hur!
Well done, Toad.
[Weasel claps her paws] Hooray!
My late father remembered it, when those men first started cutting down our trees... to build their brick and glass boxes. It was called the Oath of Mutual Protection.
Oath of Mutual Protection?
It's a promise not to...
... Frighten?
... Terrorize or consume one another.
Not... eat... one another? Who's the sssnake supposed to survive?
Quite. So if you'll all raise your right paw... [Owl looks at her wings] or claw. [Owl raises her right wing] And repeat after me. I, name of animal.
I, name of animal.
No! I, Toad! Or um...
I, Rabbit.
Yes.
I, [Fieldmouse, Rabbit, Hare, Squirrel]
Do solemly swear...
Do solemly swear...
Not to swallow anybody.
Not to swallow anybody.
Not to swallow... [whispering] Except when nobody's looking.
...While on route to this place of Toad's. Toad will obviously be our guide on your journey.
And, leader!
Um, just guide, I think, Toad. But, Toad is right. We will need a leader. Someone we can look up to. Someone cunning and courageous and...
Preferably not a snake? Ahahahaha! [Everyone laughs, except Adder who glares at Weasel] Joking! [gulps]
I therefore nominate... Fox, to be our leader.
Fox?
Huh?! Are you off your trolley?!
Why Fox?
Thanks a bundle, Badger.
[scared] Fox? But why Fox?
No, no, no, no, Fox has all the right qualities, Hare. He's an experienced traveler, er, roams far and wide over all sorts of terrain and he's used to scavenging.
Huh!
Oh, don't be like that, Owl. We can't all be leader. Now, I'm sure we've got lots of things to do before we leave [Rabbit, Hedgehog, Fieldmouse and Squirrel leave], eating our last few berries and, er, cleaning our fur coats. So just don't forget... midnight!
We meet by the Great Beech of midnight.
Midnight! Midnight! Midnight at the Great Beech! Midnight at the Great Beech!
[Fox, Badger and Adder leave. Then Adder eats one of the glow worms]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Animals of Farthing Wood pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
