AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

[playing a Hangman-style game in King James Bible on Game Boy] Alright, what's the word? "Goodliest"? Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word "Ass"? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. "Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass", "loose his ox or his ass", "whose ass have I taken?", "deliver unto his neighbour an ass", "Which of you shall have an ass", "he had found a young ass", "the dumb ass" - [laughs] it says "dumb ass" in the Bible - "saddled his ass", "opened his sack to give his ass", "the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass", "riding upon his ass"? [chuckles] Oh, I'm going to Hell.

[playing the Genesis version of Bible Adventures] Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

[replaying Flight To Egypt] Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. "Flight to Egypt"? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? "Ass Express"? ...And yes, I know the word "Flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says "Give your heart to Jesus," but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. Ikari Warriors on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. [dies] Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. [dies again] ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. [dies a third time] A-B-B-A.

So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. [points to wrist game] Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. [shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's Batman Forever game] GOOD LORD! You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

(on Where's Waldo) It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in this?! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALDO?! He doesn't even know where he is!