AVGN quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

What is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! Look at this! We'll call it "air suspension fuck-lift".

So that's Kid Kool for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ, or Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump, but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! Kid Kool is not cool! [the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]

This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

[Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle] What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?

[Upon starting the game and noticing the first room] This one says "BK". What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!

[In the game's dungeon] Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. "Gamers rule" and *what?* "Saddam was here"? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And "Gamers rule"? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.

[Talking about the music] After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. [The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played] Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!

[on the game's attacking controls] Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press up and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is pretty fucked up!

On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

This is beyond any doubt, the worst Sega Genesis game I have ever played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! IIIIIIIIIII!!! [roaring while flames engulf the room]

I can barely even fucking move! The control is impossible! You can’t control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!