Most-quoted character in The Angry Video Game Nerd: in 441 of its 789 quotes Most scenes with: Bugs Bunny (6), Sam Beddoes (6), Culkin (4)
Lines by The Nerd 345
The Nerd
It begs the question: "Are there any health power-ups?" And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not one. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.
I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts are the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold down Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes before the First Aid, and then hold down Select, so now the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. Then you press B, and there you go! How the fuck was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!
THIS IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 FUCKIN' YEARS, AND I STILL CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE! So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. "Sucker for Dick", that didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name "Dick Tracy", and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.
The Nerd
And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!?WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!
[The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a Mortal Kombat scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]
The Nerd
[bellowing]FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK![The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]
I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. "Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well fuck you, you can't have it!"
So, that's when you need... the power. [The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.]Nintendo Power! It's like: "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine, you dumb little shits!"
The Nerd
This is the Classified Information section. Usually, this is all about cheats. "Golgo 13: Stage Select. Spy Hunter: Start with all weapons. Wizards and Warriors: Bypass the Wizard! Mario 2: Short Cuts to Birdo. Milon's Secret Castle: Getting Started?" That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed Nintendo Power. That... is some fuck!
[He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller] Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... [The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives](shocked) 6? Only 6?! OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, "Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much." Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.
[playing the SNES game] After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.
Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.
Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese NES. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan.
[reviewing "Transformers: Convoy no Nazo"] Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
The Nerd
