The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

[reviewing the Power Pad and playing World Class Track Meet with it] It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

The Nerd

Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.

The Nerd

Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire!"

The Nerd

Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fuckin' thing on my head.

The Nerd

It also advertises that "Parents will love what they don't hear." It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah. While you're saying, "Fire! Fire! Fire!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fuck! [game shoots] I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!" Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! [shifts to Duck Hunt.] Fuck! Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck!"

The Nerd

[of the Roll & Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock on the Roll & Rocker! [drinks more Rolling Rock]

The Nerd

[Playing Super Mario Bros. with the U-Force] Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

The Nerd

Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? [The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis] You can have Genesis!

The Nerd

[dressed up as Batman] All right, [takes off his glasses] let's dig into a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, [puts on Bat-Mask] in order to play bad Batman games. and do 'em justice... [puts glasses back on and becomes Batnerd] [Batman voice] ...you gotta be Batman.

The Nerd

This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

The Nerd

Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms & bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

The Nerd

Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!"

The Nerd

You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?

The Nerd

Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!

The Nerd

When they named this game Deadly Towers, they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fuckin' hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald! This game is equal to that of liquid ass butter! Stay away from this horrible piece of shit-encrusted fuck! I'd rather suck farts out of a dog's ass! Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try. Anyway, this game isn't just your average turd. It's the kind of rancid, putrid, disgusting turd that sits in the bathroom truck stop for 20 something years until even the flies won't go near it. It's games like this that made me regret ever picking up an NES controller. This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity! This is so bad, Satan wouldn't even accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dried shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game! No, better yet, don't fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's unfuckworthy! This game is just an orgy of ass! This game is a chicken-lickin', finger-fuckin', son of a bitch! This game is ball cider! The Assholians bow down to this piece of shit! In other words, the game sucks.

The Nerd

The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, & Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, & Gonorrhea?

The Nerd

So you get to 5th & B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. [Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite] What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.

The Nerd

So I go straight over to 8th & J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick.

The Nerd

So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more evidence?

The Nerd

[voice cracks] You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's ridiculous! Like, what?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! All without dying once! THAT'S WHORESHIT! ​And I didn't say "horseshit," I said "whoreshit". LIKE A WHORE TAKIN' A SHIT! [drinks some Rolling Rock] You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" IT'S LIKE, "I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!" So, THAT'S why you don't give up.