Most-quoted character in The Angry Video Game Nerd: in 441 of its 789 quotes Most scenes with: Bugs Bunny (6), Sam Beddoes (6), Culkin (4)
Lines by The Nerd 345
The Nerd
Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-shit! I'd rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo's asshole. I'd rather fuckin' puke diarrhea up my dick. It fuckin' sucks so much fuckin' suck, it fucks. It fuckin' sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]
The Nerd
IT'S HAMMER TIME!
[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]
So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when Ghostbusters and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! (He inserts the cartridge into the NES.) You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and whaddya get? Well, Ghostbusters. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (The Nerd presses the Start button) (an extremely low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" sound can be heard on the TV) The fuck was that?! (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats) "Gowsht Bushterrrsh!" (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats again) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
(Game starts) So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters, what can we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
[when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES] Well, first of all, "Conglaturation !!!" is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say "Congratulation.", you say "Congratulations". So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, "You have completed a great game."!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "And". Then you got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "prooved the justice of our culture."? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. "Now go and rest our heroes !" Instead of "Now go and rest, comma, our heroes", it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...
(reviewing Ghostbusters on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses) I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.
[Playing Ghostbusters 2 for NES, commenting on its level setup] And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. But,[throws game to ground] a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.
[voiceover] It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is "Pause", but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. [throws controller to the floor]
The Nerd
I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry. I'm playing Ghostbusters 2 on Nintendo." What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! [throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]
[reviewing Ghostbusters on Sega Genesis] I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
The Nerd
I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.
[voiceover] Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.
[voiceover] The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from Castlevania II, then there's the plant which reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, which is an interesting connection because Rick Moranis starred in the remake, and he was Louis in Ghostbusters. Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!
[voiceover] In a sea of terrible Ghostbusters games, this one [Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis] stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
The Nerd
So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the Ghostbusters games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that the same guy who did the voice for Garfield did the voice for Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in the movie.
The Nerd
[voiceover] And one more thing: Ghostbusters 3. Is it really gonna happen? Should it happen? Well, if they made The Santa Clause 3,Free Willy 3,Home Alone 3,Psycho 3,The Neverending Story 3,Problem Child 3, and about ten thousand Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters 3 shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH! How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? (screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!
So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
The Nerd
