Silicon Valley · Season 1
Well, did you hack into it or not?
My feeling is, if you're the CEO of a company, and you're dumb enough to leave your login info on Post-It note on your desk, while the people that you fucking ripped off are physically in your office, it's not a hack. It's barely social engineering. It's more like natural selection.
Jian-Yang, this is the assistant. We wait for the boss to pitch. The woman you saw outside. Okay?
The lady who was smoking?
Sorry, sorry... Monica was smoking? Cigarettes?
Cigarettes? No, no, no. He's confused. He's Chinese. He's talking about this crack-addict prostitute we saw at the gas station. She was smoking cigarettes. So sad.
Oh. [leaves]
[whispering] Jian-Yang, what're you doing? This is Palo Alto. People are lunatics about smoking here. We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China.
Well, I mean, we have an unemployed and very pissed off systems guy, who very publicly threatened to skull-fuck our whole system.
He's not gonna do shit. He's a coder.
By definition, we're all pussies.
Go for Erlich.
Thanks for outing me.
You're gay? That explains so much.
No, outing me for smoking. I was heading home when my insane boss called me into the conference room for some kind of anti-smoking intervention. "No one ever died from secondhand heroin." Yeah, she said that. What did you say?
I said nothing. Jian-Yang may have... let a little something slip to your boy Friday, but don't worry, I covered with aplomb.
That little weasel tells Laurie everything.
On that topic, what did you think of his app?
The fundamental idea is sound. An app that helps parents find the least crowded playgrounds.
Good. So you understood him.
The problem is, he's basically created the perfect tool for pedophiles to find victims.
Yes, and pedophiles are typically not early-adopters, so we would miss out on that whole market. That's problematic. Well, we'll tweak it when we present it to your boss.
I don't think what I saw was close to ready for Laurie.
Oh, really, Monica? I'm sorry that your boss unearthed your filthy little secret, but believe it or not I actually tried to have your back, and I was hoping you might do the same for me. Then again, your judgment is suspect. You are a smoker.
I smoke a few cigarettes a week! Fine, I'll ask Laurie for five minutes, but that's it. And tell Jian-Yang he better bring it.
Monica, we may never know what indecipherable Chinese province Jian-Yang comes from, but I know this much, Jian-Yang was born to bring it. And you have got to try women, I mean, just give it a chance... [Monica hangs up]
You used to be the most useless guy in the entire Nucleus team, but now you run an entire division. Did you ever ask yourself why?
No. No, I never have.
Do you have any skill at all other than magically failing your way to the top?
I have a boat. [beat]I guess that's not really a skill.
Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.
Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?
So you can't practice law?
Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?
I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?
Oh it dilates the anus.
That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.
OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.
Sure.
Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?
I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.
Thank god.
I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.
So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?
Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.
So, Mr. Bighetti, you have stated that you didn't have anything to do with Pied Piper.
No.
I suppose you'd also say that you had nothing to do with Hooli XYZ either.
No, not really.
And what about the Hooli AIDS and Cancer Societies of which you were president? Did you have anything to do with those?
Honestly, not really. I actually remember when they told me I got the AIDS thing, for just a second I thought they were telling me that I had AIDS. But then I realized, no, I was just the president of the AIDS thingy. But for a second it was pretty scary there.
You're never gonna sell.
What?
Look what's happening here. It's magical.
The only thing magical is how much this house has appreciated in the last three years, Jared. I'm selling.
That's just money. It has no real value.
It literally defines value.
Oh, no, they don't even need to look inside. They only want the property for the lot value.
Lot value? Meaning?
You have to realize your house is a total teardown, right?
They want to tear this place down?
Mr. Bachman... they want to make an offer right now. All cash. Mr. Bachman, I think you would be foolish to turn this down.
Did you just call me a fool?
No. All I meant was...
Madam, you do not call a man a fool on the transom of his own home. A home that happens to be the world headquarters of a company keeping streaming video of a man who's about to drink his own urine online for tens of thousands of Filipinos. Does that sound like foolishness to you? So, you can tell your clients, respectfully, that they may go fuck themselves.
Now, Pied Piper, you've conceded on all of these minor counts. Accordingly, on the count of wrongful solicitation, I find Richard Hendricks did indeed breach his contract with Hooli when he hired away a Hooli employee, one Donald Dunn, a.k.a. Jared, a.k.a. O.J., apparently. But this is where things get interesting. Mr. Belson, there is language in this contract that the California Supreme Court has deemed unlawful. Preventing Mr. Dunn from seeking employment elsewhere is a violation of his rights. Are you aware of this?
I was not, but I'm willing to drop that count altogether if it makes things easier.
Well, here's the thing. This clause was unlawful when you included it in Mr. Hendricks' employment agreement.
Right, as I said, I'm willing to just move past this.
See, again, I don't think you understand. If Mr. Hendricks hadn't hired Mr. Dunn, or you hadn't pursued him for that hire, I'm not sure I would've noticed the violation. But you did, so I did.
[whisper] What's happening?
Justice, baby.
And what I find is, this is an unenforceable contract. It is null and void. So effectively, Mr. Hendricks never had a valid employment agreement with Hooli. As a result, Hooli has no claim of ownership to Pied Piper's underlying IP. That is my ruling, and per your arbitration agreement, it is binding and final. Thank you, everyone.
[to his lawyers] What the fuck just happened?! We lost?! You gotta be fucking kidding me!
We won? We won, right? I mean, Pied Piper is ours?
Richard, not long ago, emergency workers pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis. Today, you pulled me out of the flaming wreckage of my life, and those flames burned far hotter. For that, I thank you.
Yeah...you're welcome.
I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up into my rectum. That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me. You know what that drug's called?
No.
A second chance.
You've got a glow about you. If it were medically possible, I'd say you were pregnant!
They can't really do this, can they?
I think they just did. You remember that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman, and I said, "Hey, Richie, this is a shit deal," but you took it anyway because you wanted to do something crazy for once in your life?
Yes, I remember.
Well, you basically just loaded a gun and handed it to Hanneman, and Hanneman sold that gun to Raviga, and then Raviga just fucking pistol-whipped you. But hey, at least they're letting you keep your shares and your board seat. You lose a little blood with the dilution for the new CEO, but I've seen worse... like that shit deal you brought me from Hanneman.
It began as a innocent celebration of our arbitration victory. I ordered a kombucha, which I did not realize contained alcohol. It was described to me as a healthy, organic tea. Next thing I knew, I was 70 miles away, wrapped naked in a blanket, shaking off a meth high, and facing charges for attacking a police horse with a shovel.
Oh. Holy shit.
From a legal standpoint, it was a clear violation of my parole, and I must now serve my entire sentence...
Okay.
...and any additional time stemming from the new charges, which continue to accrue. But I'm owning my mistakes. Oh. I am staying positive. Enough about me. Let's take a look at that contract. Okay. I would red-line it, but... I'm not allowed to have a pencil.
Let me tell you a story. In 1999, Google was a little startup, just like we are. And when they started bringing in chefs and masseuses, we thought, "They're nuts!" But they were attracting the best possible people, and they were able to create the best product, and now they're worth over $400 billion. And do you know the name of that company?
Google, right? You said it at the beginning of the story.
[beat] You're right. I did that wrong.
This is fucking amazing, I feel like I'm in Minority Report!
Except in reality, you're just a minority.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
