Silicon Valley · Season 1
This is where we would install a Pied Piper engineer.
Sorry. Why, exactly, would we need to be here?
Your sales representative promised 24-hour-a-day, on-site maintenance... at least for the first year.
So, one of us would have to be down here for a year?
Even at night?
There's really no difference between day and night down here, so it makes things easy.
Okay, well, we should probably get going. Now.
Take a look at the Conjoined Triangles of Success. Now, what do those two triangles make together?
A square?
A box! They make a box. You can't make that shit up.
But you literally did make it up.
Yes, I did. And now they teach it at business schools.
Whoa, whoa, hold on. You're wearing a gold chain?
Oh, right. Yeah, I've had it for a while. Just kind of throw it on every then and now.
None of that is true. I definitely would've noticed.
Okay, listen. I've been working hard. I'm making money for the first time. I was like... buy myself something nice, you know?
But instead of that, you bought a chain?
You're just jealous I have a salary, quitter.
And you are too legit to quit, eh, MC Hamas?
[smug] Fuck off.
Later, Chain the Virgin.
Richard, unfortunately, in this case I think we have to roll over and take it.
[loudly] Or do we?
Erlich, you have something to say?
Richard... when George Washington founded a little startup we've come to know as these United States of America, and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride-or-die homeboys, Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, and Alex Hamilton... who was half-black, so that's Dinesh.
I'm not half-black.
He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses, let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to."
Wait. We can't enjoy going to work. Meinertzhagen's haversack.
What?
Meinertzhagen's haversack. [beat] No one? Really? [silence] No one's heard of Meinertzhagen's haversack?
Of course I have, Jared. Just explain it to them.
Quite a plan you boys cooked up here. Quite a plan. I'm not sure what upsets me more, that I have four employees that conspired to commit felony fraud, or that I have four employees that are so stupid I found out about it within 30 seconds. Hearing it out loud, the first one seems worse.
Oh, uh, while I have you, there were fresh droppings near my cot. I think you were right. The Havahart traps don't seem to be working. I was thinking maybe we could just pick a day and just drench it in hawk urine, because the scent of a predator can keep rodents at bay. It's funny, we're named Pied Piper, but we're beset with rats. Little rascals.
[while testing a prototype for the box, the device signals an error] What the fuck? Why isn't this working? Gilfoyle's preprocessor and my compressor should integrate seamlessy. This should work.
I may have made my preprocessor slightly faster than you asked me to do, Richard.
What do you mean? How much slightly faster?
200 megs per second.
You dick. That's eight times as fast as the specs required. No wonder our modules aren't running at the same speed. Why would you do that?
I tried to make it slow. I really did. But I'm not Dinesh. It's very difficult for me to do shitty work.
Cut the shit, Big Head. I see exactly what you're doing. Poaching my tenants? You stole my business model.
What? No. Dude, it's not like that at all. It's just this house has, like, nine bedrooms. You have any idea how scary that gets at night? So I just wanted to have some roommates around, but, um, you know, I felt weird charging them rent, cause, you know.
No, I don't.
Well, it's like, 20 million, you know, so I don't really need it, but then they felt weird living here without paying me anything, so they offered me pieces of their startups. That's all.
You just admitted to starting a competing incubator. I've caught you in a web of your own lies, haven't I?
I don't think so. Wait, have you?
Consider the bulldog: a grotesque monstrosity born of relentless inbreeding. Riddled with sinusitis, crippled by joint pain. Chronically flatulent. A kindly pet, or humanity's cruelest mistake? All right, take it away. Ladies and gentlemen, just like that horrible creature, the entire Nucleus program was the result of inbreeding. We mated Hooli engineers with Hooli designers in a Hooli kennel. Is it any wonder the result was just as unspeakable as that thing? Bring it back here. Look at that hideous face. All right, get it out of here!
I will have my office set up an interview. But I want you to present yourself well, Richard. Be showered, groomed, well-dressed. And you will need to sit down with our head of PR beforehand to go over talking points.
Why?
Because you are in an emotional state, and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.
Well, I don't say that's true.
Hey. Uh, how do I look?
If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.
Uh...Okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting, because I'm on my way to Raviga right now to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say to a report and how to say it.
Well, that does make sense. You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.
Why does this thing people says?
Why indeed?
Well, what's gone is not necessarily lost. Okay, we just need to find it. I found my retainer in the school dumpster. I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks. This should be no problem.
[looking at a crowd of protesters] You know, a hundred years ago, men like me could've had people like that killed. Just like that. You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt would've batted an eyelid? Please. [sighs] Times sure have changed... Or have they? [beat] Of course they have. And for the better. Unless... All right, forget it.
Big Head, I'm not going to yell. And I'm not going to hit you. I'm just gonna ask you nicely, why in the holy fuck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA, you sweet, helpless, little piece of shit?
Well, that's the thing about the NDA, is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA. So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
