Silicon Valley quotes

Richard

Once we get a few customers and start a subscription-revenue model.

Russ

What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no. No. If you show revenue, people will ask "How much?" And it will never be enough, but if you have no revenue, you can say you're per-revenue. You're a potential pure play. It's not about how much you earn, it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pinterest, Snap chat... No revenue. Amazon has lost money every fucking quarter for the last 20 fucking years, and that Bezos motherfucker is the king.

Richard

It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?

That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

Jared

So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?

There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.

Big Head

I'm not sure I understand.

You are being promoted. Being named "co-head dreamer" carries with it a significant pay increase. Greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule.

Big Head

See, but I really liked the job I had. You know, I was perfectly happy there. It was kind of the... the perfect level of involvement for me, I think. And also that other guy, Bannerchek? He... he did not really seem to like me very much.

Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country in order to run Hooli-xyz on his own. He was very clear about that. And he wanted me to convey that to you. Have I done that?

Erlich

You see this, Richard? What is this?

Richard

A spoon?

Erlich

It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer. I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating of Fage yogurt by me. Look at this... the angle's all wrong.

Richard

Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up and dump the jam into the yogurt?

Erlich

How would you know that? Have you been eating my Fage yogurts?

Richard

No, I saw it on the billboards.

Erlich

Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards is that you can't get all of it out... look at that! You have to dig it out. But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.

Russ

Know what has three commas in it, Richard?

Richard

Uh, a sentence with two appositive phrases in it?

Russ

No, a billion dollars. Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club. You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too. But probably not. But you could be. Probably not.

Erlich

Interesting pitch. I will admit, I have never heard a Christian-oriented riff on dog-sharing. But Christianity is borderline illegal in Northern California. Also, how would you scale?

Well, we could expand from sharing dogs to other types of pets - Pot-bellied pigs, ferrets..

Erlich

I'm gonna stop you right there. You do know that ferrets are illegal in the state of California? Hmm? No. Well, then I suppose you also don't know that pot-bellied pigs have been wildly unfashionable since 2005. Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned upon almost as much as being a Christian. Thank you, gentlemen. Good day. And technically, I'm not passing on Dog Dammit. I'm just not saying yes.

Dinesh

What the fuck are we going to do?

Gilfoyle

I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it. We build our own servers.

Jared

Gilfoyle, servers are essentially a utility. I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water or build a generator for power.

Gilfoyle

I think we should dig our own well and build our own generator. I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar. But we don't. So good luck when the shit hits the fan.

Gilfoyle

This might be morbid, but the cold hard fact is that if Blaine dies on our live stream, this could be good for us. I mean, we'd get a lot more traffic.

Dinesh

Well, and it would probably lead to calls for regulations in the stunt industry.

Gilfoyle

So, in the long term, we're saving lives.

Dinesh

Although, there is the moral problem with letting him die.

Gilfoyle

Though he did tell us to shut up. And his name is Blaine.

Dinesh

And Gina is super hot.

Gilfoyle

And this would make her single.

Dinesh

She'd probably need consoling, so... there's an opportunity.

Erlich

[laughing throughout] To his face? You called him that to his face?

Richard

How could not mention the colostomy bag?

Erlich

Because it's a very private and personal matter, it's not a laughing matter.

Richard

You called him Double Asshole first. Remember, in college?

Erlich

Yeah, but not to his face, never to his face! Not even I'm that fucking cruel! But you are!

Richard

I'm actually not.

Erlich

You tore Double Asshole a third asshole! Triple-A!

Dinesh

Is that a still image? It's not frozen, is it?

Gilfoyle

No, it's live. It's just not moving very much because it's a fucking egg.

Jared

But think of the wonderful things going on inside that egg. The resolution in your imagination is infinite. Oh, hey, we're up to 17 views.

Dinesh

Did you see that? She gave me her hat.

Gilfoyle

Pretend you've seen a woman before.

Would you guys like some water while you wait? We have four flavors, and the cartons are made from locally sourced organic...

Richard

Yeah, we get it. You're funded.

Richard

I mean, you're not exactly broke, right?

Russ

I might as well be. $986 million? I'm not a billionaire anymore, Richard. I'm a nine-hundred- and-eighty-sixionaire, which isn't even a fucking thing. I'm out of the Three Comma Club. Functionally, I'm just like you. Jesus, fuck, that's depressing.

Richard

Right. But you're still, basically, a billionaire.

Russ

Not if you round down. If you round down, I have zero billion.

Russ

Oh, we have a contract? We have a fucking contract, Richard? You wanna know what I have? [slams his Maserati's door three times] A fucking car whose doors open like this! [mimics a butterfly door motion] Not like this, [mimics a vertical door motion] not like this! [enters the car] These are not the doors of a billionaire, Richard. Fuck you! [drives around the parking lot, then comes back] Fuck you in the ass.

Richard

I... I don't understand. How does Intersite have all this money to throw around?

Erlich

It's pornography, Richard.

Jared

Adult content has driven more important tech adaption than anything. The first fiction ever published on a printing press was an erotic tale, and from there, it was Super 8 film, Polaroid, home video, digital, video on demand...

Monica

Credit card verification systems, Snapchat. Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.

Erlich

38 when I'm on it.