Every day it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.
BWBooth Worker
Oh?
He’s a Satanist. It’s a good thing.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Dunn, sleep deprived and after the Hooli Nucleus presentation:]
Instagram pivoted! Chat roulette pivoted! We're gonna pivot! [Walks away]
That might be the last time we see him alive.
[being interviewed] For me, Kara, goodness, greatness, these are not simply catch phrases, but, in fact, really the intention of Hooli from the beginning...
[interrupting] Gavin, you do not need to dignify any of this with a response! I can speak for myself. [To the camera] Erlich Bachman, Pied Piper. Was I brutally assaulted? Yes. Did Gavin Belson here have anything to do with it? Unclear. All I know is that the rumor that TechCrunch is all abuzz about is unproven.
KKara
Wait, what rumor?
Thank you. Why would Gavin have anything to do with this? Unless he had some reason to be frightened by Pied Piper and it's superior technology? This and all other Gavin Belson rumors are unsubstantiated, okay? The alcoholism, the sexual impropriety at work, the impending crash of Hooli's stock...
This is the most ridiculous...
Exactly. So why repeat the lascivious details, with which all of us are undoubtedly already familiar? Guilty or not, Gavin, I stand with you.
PPolice Officer
Before I search, do you have any narcotics, weapons or needles?
Yes I do. [Hands Adderall bottle to officer]
PPolice Officer
Adderall? This is a highly controlled substance.
Oh, no, it's not mine. It’s for an underage kid I brought to my house.
We’re going to win even if I have to go in there and jerk off everyone in the audience!
[ Later, as he's being interviewed ]
Let me ask you. How fast do you think you could jerk off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.
I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.
LLaurie
Peter Gregory is dead.
Yes, I know.
LLaurie
On a personal note, his death is very sad. But on a professional level, it's untenable. I've been reviewing his files. He was pursuing a number of extremely dubious positions. Are you aware that we own a $30 million ostrich farm in Morocco, or that we are the majority stakeholders in three companies that specialize in invisibility? This box is filled with napkins covered with notes detailing Peter's conviction that genetically-modified cranberry fungus would become the next cotton.
RLRoss Loma Rep
Well, you see, our main concern is how you're going to achieve escape velocity on your growth rate... [Erlich chuckles] hit critical mass. I'm sorry. What... What's funny?
It's just that painting behind you. It's awful. It looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done poorly. So, I agree, bad culture fit. I think we all just move on.
RLRoss Loma Rep
Look, I didn't say anything about a culture fit.
No, I did. Okay. Well, thank you for meeting with us. We have a bunch of these things to go to, hopefully with more tasteful artwork, and your logo looks like a sideways vagina. I find that to be racist, don't you?
VRVC Rep
Okay, here's my concern...
Here's my concern: who the hell picked out that shirt for you?
VRVC Rep
What?
Oh, I see. With the pants, so I guess it's a whole... thing.
VRVC Rep
My wife picked these out.
Then you married poorly.
His balls? He put his balls on the table?
Right on the table.
On purpose?
I don't see how it could be by accident.
[Entering] Richard, I just got an email from the guys at Midland-Oak. Apparently, there is a line, and I crossed it... The line between $12 and $15 million!
RLRon LaFlamme
Did you work on Pied Piper on Hooli time or use Hooli equipment to develop it in any way - at any time, Richie?
No, and no.
RLRon LaFlamme
Great. And by the way, always tell me that and tell yourself that. Because if you believe it, a jury will, too.
Oh, I... I do believe it. It's the truth.
RLRon LaFlamme
Great. That one was even better than the other one. I love it. Always say it exactly like that.
Wait. Did you just say you were the cool cousin?
Yeah.
Please explain.
Well, when we were kids, I was the one getting good grades, I was the one who was planning for my future. I would bring gifts for my teachers, 'cause they worked so hard. You know, cool stuff. He was always getting in trouble, he got caught smoking opium in the tool shed, he crashed my uncle's motorbike.
And you think you're the cool one?
Yeah, it's different in Pakistan.
I've never been, but I know it isn't.
Well, get some sleep, my bros. I'll set the meeting, and, um, then I'll go find some hoes to prioritize behind you.
Richard, I'm an independent businessman. Emphasis on "independent." And "business." And "man," come to think of it.
Sorry, I'm not going to go work for Hooli.
Same for me, except for the part about being sorry.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.