KRKid Rock
(yelling) Whoo! Somebody make some fucking noise in here! (quieter) fuck these people
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What the hell are you eating?
Liquid Shrimp. It's 200 dollars a quart. Wylie Dufresne made it.
How does it taste?
Like how I would imagine cum tastes.
You guys taking it all in? Because this is what it looks like when Google acquires your company for over 200 million dollars.
JGJaveed - Goolybib founder
Hello! Whoo! I got seven words for you: I love Goolybib's integrated multi platform functionality! Yeah! Whoo!... ! But seriously, you know, a few days ago, when we were sitting down with Barack Obama, I turned to these guys and said, "OK, you know, we're making a lot of money. And yes, we're disrupting digital media. But most importantly we're making the world a better place through constructing elegant hierarchies for maximum code reuse and extensibility."
What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli...Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it. Making the world a better place, through minimal message oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.
Gates, Ellison, Jobs, Dell. All dropped out of college. Silicon Valley is the cradle of innovation because of drop outs. College... has become a cruel expensive joke on the poor and the middle class that benefits only the perpetrators of it. The bloated administrators.
AMAudience Member
You are a dangerous man, spewing ignorance!
I don't think so. I'm just saying people should trust themselves more than a system that happily churns out unemployed debtors and provides dubious value.
AMAudience Member
The true value of a college education is intangible.
The true value of snake-oil is intangible as well.
Pied Piper is a proprietary site that lets you find out if your music is infringing on any existing copyrights. So, imagine you were a song writer, ok?
I don't think I could write a song.
Yeah, no, just imagine if you were.
I don't even think I could say, "Pied Piper is a proprietary site." Well, I just did but it wasn't easy.
I have a meeting with Gavin Belson. He wants to talk about Pied Piper.
I own 10% of Pied Piper.
You said it was a shitty idea.
It was a shitty idea. I'm not sure what it is now.
It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall, skinny white guy; short, skinny Asian guy; fat guy with a ponytail; some guy with crazy facial hair; and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.
DDoctor
You know, a while back, we had a guy in here in almost the exact same situation, "take the money or keep the company."
What happened?
DDoctor
Well, a couple months later he was brought into the ER with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I guess he really regretted not taking that money.
He shot himself because he turned down the money?
DDoctor
Yeah. Or no, he took the money. Or no. No, he did not. I don't... You know what? I don't remember. But whatever it was, he regretted it so much that he ended up shooting himself. And now he's blind.
He's blind?
DDoctor
Yeah, just FYI, if you're ever gonna shoot yourself, don't hold the gun up to your temple, ok? Because that just basically just took out both of his optic nerves and then, you know, half of his face. And then his wife left him, because... you know.
Yikes.
DDoctor
Right? He may have been a genius programmer but not so much in human anatomy. Or decision making, for that matter. Now he's got to live with all that and whatever terrible decision he made about the money
Who was this woman that you shook hands with for the first time?
The postman lady.
What? A woman that was a man?
Not a post-man lady. A lady who was a post...
Let me ask you another question. Who was the second woman you shook hands with?
Richard, if you're not an asshole, it creates this kind of asshole vacuum, and that void is filled by other assholes, like Jared. I mean, you almost gave him shares. You need to completely change who you are, Richard. A complete Teutonic shift has to happen.
Tectonic.
What?
A "tectonic" shift is the earth's crust moving around. "Teutonic", which is what you just said, is an ancient Germanic tribe that fought the Romans. They were originally from Scandinavia...
Stop it! Stop it. You're being a complete tool right now. I need you to be a complete asshole.
So, um... can you kind of catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?
What do I do? System architecture. Networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.
Ok, that's good to know.
But does anyone appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a Capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian revolution.
I actually went to Vassar.
I prevent cross-site scripting, I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet... heard of it? Transfers half a petabyte of data every minute. Do you have any idea how that happens? All those You Porn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty, little smart phone day after day? Every dipstick who shoots his pants if he can't get the new dub step Skrillex remix in under 12 seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me, ensuring your packets get delivered, un-sniffed. So what do I do? I make sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire fucking company. That's what the fuck I do.
That's basically what I told him.
That was nice, guys. He heard everything.
That doesn't make it not true.
I mean, come on, Richard. As far as Pied Piper is concerned, he's as pointless as Mass Effect 3s multiple endings. I mean, he's a completely useless appendage and we all know it.
Since when do we have an intern program?
We don’t. And when Keith finds that out, it’s going to be a very valuable business lesson for him.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Silicon Valley pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.