It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?
CCandidate
That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.
JaredSo are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?
CCandidate
There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.
What the fuck are we going to do?
I know what the fuck we're going to do. But you're not going to like it. We build our own servers.
Jared
Gilfoyle, servers are essentially a utility. I mean, you wouldn't dig a well for water or build a generator for power.
I think we should dig our own well and build our own generator. I also think we should store a year's worth of food and ammunition in a blast cellar. But we don't. So good luck when the shit hits the fan.
Is that a still image? It's not frozen, is it?
No, it's live. It's just not moving very much because it's a fucking egg.
Jared
But think of the wonderful things going on inside that egg. The resolution in your imagination is infinite. Oh, hey, we're up to 17 views.
I... I don't understand. How does Intersite have all this money to throw around?
It's pornography, Richard.
Jared
Adult content has driven more important tech adaption than anything. The first fiction ever published on a printing press was an erotic tale, and from there, it was Super 8 film, Polaroid, home video, digital, video on demand...
Credit card verification systems, Snapchat. Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.
Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines, aryl nitrite, also known as poppers at the time of my arrest? In large quantities. Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of eighteen? Repeatedly. I admit this. Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes? Alleged, but not proven. And boy they tried, they tried. Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.
Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?
Jared
So you can't practice law?
Not in open court. In the state of California that's correct, but this is arbitration. I'm really grateful for the opportunity. I'm turning my life around. I've served my time. Questions?
I guess I have one at least um, what does aryl nitrite do?
Jared
Oh it dilates the anus.
That is accurate. Also produces euphoria.
OK thank you uh, Pete, and Jared.
Jared
Sure.
Anal dilation aside, what do you think of uh, our case? Could we go in there and just dick slap those Hooli pieces of shit?
I have reviewed your case, and it is extremely strong.
Jared
Thank god.
I do, every day of my life. It's only by his grace that I was able to survive that plunge into the ravine in 11 months in a state penitentiary.
So were you, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go, into a ravine?
Both. Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward. I, am not in possession of an office, and I'm residing in a halfway house, so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.
Jared
Richard, unfortunately, in this case I think we have to roll over and take it.
Jared
Erlich, you have something to say?
Richard... when George Washington founded a little startup we've come to know as these United States of America, and he was tired of getting shit from his CEO, the King of England, did he just roll over and take it from behind? No. He called on his ride-or-die homeboys, Tommy Jefferson, Benny Franklin, and Alex Hamilton... who was half-black, so that's Dinesh.
He said, "Avast, ye fellow badasses, let's build this country the way we motherfucking want to."
What in God's name is that?
Jared
What do you think it is? It's a jacket! Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.
Why would we all want them? One is already too many. I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.
Jared
Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?
If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.
Jared
Everything's fine. You know, everything's fine.
That's a lie. I can tell because you subscribe to traditional Judeo-Christian mores of right and wrong. You're made uncomfortable by untruth. My commitment to LaVeyan Satanism grants me certain freedoms. There is no good and evil, there's only self. Would you like a beverage?
Jared
Yes, I would.
Lie. You just want me to go to the bar and leave you alone.
Jared
[laughing nervously] Gil... you crack me up.
Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.
Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.
Jared
She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?
Yeah, the Catholic Church really did a number on that town.
Jared
Well, when you lied to me about adding terms of service, it could be argued you violated your fiduciary duty to the company, rendering you personally liable. I mean, if the FTC brought us to trial, I could be compelled to testify against you.
Jared
Oh, trust has nothing to do with it, but thanks for making that official.
People don't have people killed in the Valley, not even Gavin Belson, okay? Right, Jared?
Jared
I... I once saw him throw a sloth down a flight of stairs after a presentation, and he said it was an accident, but he had this look in his eyes...
Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?
Jared
About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.
And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?
A hundred and twenty-three thousand, give or take.
Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?
Why would I have that information?
Silicon Valley · 163 quotes
