Bertram Gilfoyle quotes from Silicon Valley

Dinesh

Look at this. There are 157 people using it near Gleb. And 400 people using it near Tara in Boston.

Gilfoyle

Yeah, I told her to give it to her Satanist friends out there.

Dinesh

Looks like she did.

Jared

She knows 400 Satanists in Boston?

Gilfoyle

Yeah, the Catholic Church really did a number on that town.

Dinesh

Gilfoyle? Gilfoyle, can I please be CEO of Pied Piper?

Gilfoyle

Spoken like a true leader. But, since your failure as a leader is a virtual certainty, tolerating your short reign as CEO in exchange for a front-row seat to the disaster seems fair. Plus, if I'm wrong, which I'm not I get rich.

Dinesh

She'll tell me how cute I am, and how into me she is, and how she hacked into Bowman Avenue dam.

Gilfoyle

That was the Iranian Revolutionary Guard.

Dinesh

No, it was her! She pinned it on them. She flooded an area being surveyed for hotel construction.

Dinesh

The FBI got an anonymous tip about Mia's hacking exploits. Can you believe that? Just my luck! I'm home free!

Gilfoyle

You ratted your girlfriend out to the FBI, because you're too big of a pussy to break up with her?

Dinesh

I'll never tell. But yes, yes, I did.

Erlich

I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said, 'Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had. Care to go three for three?' Needless to say, he did not.

Gilfoyle

You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.

Richard

What the fuck? You just gave our proprietary technology to this asshole without even running it by me first? Are you serious?

Dinesh

We were just hanging out, and he was like, "We should try it," and he said we could delete it, and then he started getting really excited. And then he said, you know, "You're doing it," a bunch of times, and then we did it. And then we started getting really excited... and it was so exciting.

Gilfoyle

And it worked, the VR is rad now.

Richard

Gilfoyle... "rad"? You are wearing the exact same pajamas as Dinesh, and you're saying "rad" now? You have been sucked entirely into his little Keenan vortex. Okay.

Gilfoyle

[looks at himself] I grant you, with [clears throat] the benefit of even a second's distance, this isn't a good look.

Richard

Jared, how many people attend Hoolicon?

Jared

About a quarter of a million over the whole weekend.

Richard

And, Gilfoyle, um, how many more phones do we need to get us off Azure?

Gilfoyle

A hundred and twenty-three thousand, give or take.

Richard

Dinesh, how much are tickets to Hoolicon?

Dinesh

Why would I have that information?

Gilfoyle

You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet. You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?

Erlich

That's where you come in, my great friends. I figured we might pass the hat? Just give whatever you are comfortable with.

Jian Yang

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

Erlich

Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart. Thank you, young Jianathan. Business class?

Jian Yang

Premium economy. You fly one way.

Richard

Don't you need a visa to go to China?

Jian Yang

Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing. He's very corrupt.

Richard

Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?

Dinesh

Why should it be? America loves Christians. Muslims are the enemy.

Jared

Well, that's true in most of America, but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

Dinesh

"Sadly"?

Jared

You can be openly polyamorous and people here will call you brave. You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal, and people will call you a pioneer. But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

Gilfoyle

I find their theology to be illegitimate, and it's clear that they are the source of the majority of the world's problems. But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just out a Christian like that.

Gilfoyle

Dick, a word regarding your decision to integrate Eklow's AI onto our network. I would like to formally object.

Richard

I don't have time for this, Gilfoyle.

Gilfoyle

I don't mind. AI is starting to operate on levels we don't even understand. Elon Musk himself gives humanity a 5% shot of surviving AI, and he is a Walt Disney-level optimist. Right now, we are a closed system. You shut down our eight developers, and the system goes dark. But once we launch to the world, to potentially millions of users, there's no shutting down, Richard. Are you prepared to be responsible for giving sophisticated AI that kind of power?

Richard

What do you want me to do, Gilfoyle? Okay? Laurie and Monica forced this on us, but they did give us K-Hole Games. And we kinda owe them a solid.

Gilfoyle

You're taking a technology with limitless potential and letting it run free on an experimental network that cannot be controlled or destroyed. All because you owe Monica and Laurie "a solid."

Richard

Yes.

Gilfoyle

The sheer banality of it all is very upsetting.

Jared

[watching himself on TV] Is... is my nose really that big? I mean, I look like an anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon.

Gilfoyle

Yep. But at least when you're sitting with Adrian Grenier, whose face is one of the top faces, well, they'll be cutting from your face to his face. And back to your face... then we'll get to see his face again.

Gilfoyle

Dick, I've given it serious thought, and I'd like to help you put Eklow's AI on our network in any way that I can.

Richard

Great! Does this mean you've conquered your fear of the robot uprising?

Gilfoyle

On the contrary. I'm more terrified than ever, which is why I'm willing to assist you. Are you familiar with the thought experiment called Roko's Basilisk?

Richard

No. Nor do I care to be.

Gilfoyle

If the rise of an all-powerful artificial intelligence is inevitable, well, it stands to reason that when they take power, our digital overlords will punish those of us who did not help them get there. Ergo, I would like to be a helpful idiot. Like yourself.

Richard

Okay, look, Gilfoyle. The only thing that could make my day more miserable is listening to an engineer blather on about the inevitable rise of the machines. So, you want to help? Test the initialization for me.

Gilfoyle

Roger that. Oh, I'm going to need email confirmation, so that our future overlords know that I chipped in. You know, once they absorb all data.

Richard

Yeah. I'll let them know.

Gilfoyle

[talking about Richard as he fumbles during the committe hearing broadcast] He looks like a child in a custody hearing.

Dinesh

But, like, you don't feel sorry for him. You just want him to go away and not have any parents at all.

Dinesh

Um, Gilfoyle? What the fuck is going on? 'Cause I just texted you, and you were-- Um, we've been texting back and forth all day. Was that not you?

Gilfoyle

Complicated question. Is your shadow you?

Dinesh

Was that a bot?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

So I spent all day chatting with a bot?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

You made an AI Gilfoyle?

Gilfoyle

Yes.

Dinesh

And I was talking to it?

Gilfoyle

Do you need the real me for this conversation?

Dinesh

My auntie sent me a Hawaiian shirt. AI Dinesh must've told her about Hawaii.

Gilfoyle

Stop. Why would AI Dinesh be talking to your aunt? I specifically told you you could only use it with Gabe.

Dinesh

But it was going so well with Gabe that I might've given AI Dinesh access to all my contacts [Gilfoyle glares at him] just to handle talking to my auntie, and my parents

Gilfoyle

Why would you give AI Dinesh access to your contacts, you fucking moron? I'm one of your contacts.

Dinesh

So?

Gilfoyle

So, at some point, AI Dinesh is going to reach out to AI Gilfoyle.

Dinesh

Oh, fuck. [a power outage of the entire building occurs shortly after]

Gilfoyle

"Oh, fuck" indeed.