Sherlock Holmes quotes from Sherlock

John Watson

You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?

Sherlock Holmes

It's okay, I'm fine. Now... show me to the stream.

John Watson

I didn't really mean for you.

Sherlock Holmes

Look, this is a six. There's no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now go back, show me the grass.

John Watson

When did we agree that?

Sherlock Holmes

We agreed it yesterday.

John Watson

I wasn't even at home yesterday. I was in Dublin.

Sherlock Holmes

It's hardly my fault you weren't listening.

John Watson

Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?

Sherlock Holmes

I don't know, how often are you away?

John Watson

Are you wearing any pants?

Sherlock Holmes

...No.

John Watson

Okay.

John Watson

What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?

Sherlock Holmes

I don't know.

John Watson

Here to see the Queen?

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, apparently yes.

Mycroft Holmes

Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?

John Watson

We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

Mycroft Holmes

We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!

Sherlock Holmes

What for?

Sherlock Holmes

Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases; both ends is too much work. [to the equerry who brought him in] Good morning.

Mycroft Holmes

This is a matter of national importance. Grow up.

Sherlock Holmes

[through gritted teeth] Get off my sheet!

Mycroft Holmes

Or what?

Sherlock Holmes

Or I'll just walk away.

Mycroft Holmes

I'll let you.

John Watson

Boys, please. Not here.

Sherlock Holmes

Who. Is. My. Client?!

Mycroft Holmes

Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now FOR GOD'S SAKE... [forcibly calms himself] put your clothes on!

Mycroft Holmes

I'll be mother.

Sherlock Holmes

And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

Sherlock Holmes

Who is she?

Mycroft Holmes

Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’.

Mycroft Holmes

There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'.

Sherlock Holmes

Dominatrix?

Mycroft Holmes

Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.

Sherlock Holmes

Sex doesn't alarm me.

Mycroft Holmes

[smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.

Sherlock Holmes

Punch me in the face.

John Watson

Punch you?

Sherlock Holmes

Yes, punch me, in the face. Didn't you hear me?

John Watson

I always hear "punch me in the face" when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext.

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, for God's sake! [He punches John in the face. John punches him back] Thank you, John, that was-- [John tackles Sherlock and grabs him in a chokehold] Okay, I think that's enough now--

John Watson

You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier! I killed people!

Sherlock Holmes

You were a doctor!

John Watson

I had bad days!

Irene Adler

D'you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr. Holmes? However hard you try, it’s always a self-portrait.

Sherlock Holmes

You think I'm a vicar with a bleeding face?

Irene Adler

I think you're damaged, delusional and believe in a higher power. In your case, it's yourself. And somebody loves you... Oh, if I had to punch that face, [Looks at John] I'd avoid your nose and teeth too.

John Watson

[Laughs] Could you put something on please, anything at all... a napkin?

Irene Adler

Why? Are you feeling exposed?

Sherlock Holmes

I don't think John knows where to look. [Stands up and offers coat to Irene]

Irene Adler

No, I think he knows exactly where. [Stands in front of John] I'm not sure about you. [Takes coat from Sherlock]

Sherlock Holmes

If I wanted to look at naked women, I'd borrow John's laptop.

John Watson

You do borrow my laptop.

Sherlock Holmes

I confiscate it.

John Watson

We should call the police!

Sherlock Holmes

Yes. [fires a gun repeatedly into the air] On their way.

John Watson

For God's sake...

Sherlock Holmes

Oh shut up, it's quick.

Mrs Hudson

It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.

Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes

[A long pause] Apologies.

Mrs Hudson

Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes

Though do in fact shut up.

Sherlock Holmes

No thank you Sarah.

John Watson

[hurriedly trying to turn her away] Uh, no, no, no, no, no. He’s not good with names.

Sherlock Holmes

No-no-no, I can get this. No, Sarah was the doctor; and then there was the one with the spots; and then the one with the nose; and then ... who was after the boring teacher?

Nobody.

Sherlock Holmes

Jeanette! [grins falsely at her] Ah, process of elimination.

Molly Hooper

How’s the hip?

Mrs Hudson

Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking.

Molly Hooper

I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems.

Molly Hooper

Oh, God. Sorry.

Sherlock Holmes

Don't make jokes Molly.

Molly Hooper

No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas.

That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted.

Sherlock Holmes

[offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher.

Molly Hooper

And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right?

John Watson

Yeah.

Molly Hooper

Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying...

John Watson

First time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze.

Sherlock Holmes

[offhandedly] Nope.

John Watson

Shut up Sherlock.

Sherlock Holmes

Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?

Mycroft Holmes

All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

Mrs Hudson

Oh, Sherlock!

Sherlock Holmes

Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.