Mycroft Holmes quotes from Sherlock

Mycroft Holmes

For goodness sake! I occupy a minor position in the British Government.

Sherlock

He is the British Government when he's not too busy being the British Secret Services or the CIA on a freelance basis. Good evening, Mycroft. Try not to start a war before I get home, you know what it does for the traffic.

John Watson

What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?

Sherlock Holmes

I don't know.

John Watson

Here to see the Queen?

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, apparently yes.

Mycroft Holmes

Just once, can you two behave like grown-ups?

John Watson

We solve crimes. I blog about it, and he forgets his pants. I wouldn't hold out too much hope.

Mycroft Holmes

We are in Buckingham Palace, the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!

Sherlock Holmes

What for?

Sherlock Holmes

Mycroft, I don't do anonymous clients. I'm used to mystery at one end of my cases; both ends is too much work. [to the equerry who brought him in] Good morning.

Mycroft Holmes

This is a matter of national importance. Grow up.

Sherlock Holmes

[through gritted teeth] Get off my sheet!

Mycroft Holmes

Or what?

Sherlock Holmes

Or I'll just walk away.

Mycroft Holmes

I'll let you.

John Watson

Boys, please. Not here.

Sherlock Holmes

Who. Is. My. Client?!

Mycroft Holmes

Take a look at where you're standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now FOR GOD'S SAKE... [forcibly calms himself] put your clothes on!

Mycroft Holmes

I'll be mother.

Sherlock Holmes

And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.

Sherlock Holmes

Who is she?

Mycroft Holmes

Irene Adler. Professionally known as ‘The Woman’.

Mycroft Holmes

There are many names for what she does. She prefers 'Dominatrix'.

Sherlock Holmes

Dominatrix?

Mycroft Holmes

Don't be alarmed. It's to do with sex.

Sherlock Holmes

Sex doesn't alarm me.

Mycroft Holmes

[smirking] How would you know? [Sherlock just looks at him] She provides, shall we say, "recreational scolding" to those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it.

Mrs Hudson

It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.

Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes

[A long pause] Apologies.

Mrs Hudson

Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes

Though do in fact shut up.

Sherlock Holmes

Look at them. They all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there's something wrong with us?

Mycroft Holmes

All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.

Mycroft Holmes

My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?

John Watson

I don't know.

Mycroft Holmes

Neither do I. But initially, he wanted to be a pirate.

Mycroft Holmes

Too much history between us, John. Old scores. Resentments.

John Watson

Nicked all his smurfs? Broke his Action Man?

John Watson

School friend, maybe?

Mycroft Holmes

[laughs] Of Sherlock's?

Sherlock Holmes

I think I’ll surprise John. He’ll be delighted!

Mycroft Holmes

You think so? Hm.

Sherlock Holmes

Pop round to Baker Street. Who knows, jump out of a cake?

Mycroft Holmes

Baker Street? He isn’t there anymore. Why would he be? It’s been two years. He’s got on with his life.

Sherlock Holmes

What life? I’ve been away.

Mycroft Holmes

All very interesting, Sherlock, but the terror alert has been raised to critical.

Sherlock Holmes

Boring. Your move.

Mycroft Holmes

We have solid information. An attack IS coming.

Sherlock Holmes

[Scornfully] Solid information. A secret terrorist organisation is planning an attack. That’s what secret terrorist organisations do, isn't it? It’s their version of golf.

Mycroft Holmes

I have given the Prime Minister my personal assurance that you’re on the case.

Sherlock Holmes

I am on the case. We're both on the case right now.

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, bugger!

Sherlock Holmes

Whoopsy! Can’t handle a Broken Heart. How very telling.

Mycroft Holmes

Don’t be smart.

Sherlock Holmes

That takes me back. “Don’t be smart, Sherlock! I’m the smart one!”

Mycroft Holmes

I am the smart one.

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, I used to think I was an idiot.

Mycroft Holmes

Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, until we met other children.

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, yes. That was a mistake.

Mycroft Holmes

Ghastly. What were they thinking of?

Sherlock Holmes

Probably something about "trying to make friends".

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, yes. "Friends". Of course, you go in for that sort of thing now.

Sherlock Holmes

And you don’t? Ever?

Mycroft Holmes

If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I’m living in a world of goldfish.

Sherlock Holmes

Yes, but I’ve been away for two years.

Mycroft Holmes

So?

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, I don’t know...I thought you perhaps might have found yourself a...goldfish.

Are you two smoking?!

Mycroft Holmes

No!

Sherlock Holmes

[simultaneously] It was Mycroft!