John Watson quotes from Sherlock

John

[when Sherlock is not answering the door] Okay, I'm Sherlock Holmes and I always work alone, because no one else can compete with my massive intellect!

John Watson

There is a mute button and I will use it.

John Watson

You... you told me once... that you weren't a hero. Umm... There were times I didn't even think you were human, but let me tell you this. You were the best man, the most human... human being that I've ever known and no one will ever convince me that you told me a lie, so... there. I was so alone... and I owe you so much. But please, there's just one more thing, one more miracle, Sherlock, for me, don't be...dead. Would you do that just for me? Just stop it. Stop this... [He walks away. Sherlock watches him go, then leaves.]

John Watson

No, he’s an arsehole, but it’s an easy mistake.

How's your blog going?

John Watson

Yeah, good. Very good.

You haven’t written a word, have you?

John Watson

You just wrote "still has trust issues."

And you read my writing upside down. You see what I mean? John, you're a soldier. It's gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life. And writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you.

John Watson

Nothing happens to me.

John

[Looking around at the morgue's lab equipment] Bit different from my day.

You've no idea.

Sherlock

Mike, can I borrow your phone? There's no signal on mine.

And what's wrong with the landline?

Sherlock

I prefer to text.

Sorry, it's in my coat.

John

Er, here, use mine.

Sherlock

Oh, thank you.

This is an old friend of mine, John Watson.

Sherlock

Afghanistan or Iraq?

John

Sorry?

Sherlock

Which one was it? In Afghanistan or Iraq?

John

Afghanistan. Sorry, how did you...?

Sherlock

Ah, Molly, coffee, thank you. What happened to the lipstick?

Molly

It wasn't working for me.

Sherlock

Really? I thought it was a big improvement. Your mouth's too small now.

Molly

...Okay.

Sherlock

How do you feel about the violin?

John

I'm sorry, what?

Sherlock

I play the violin when I'm thinking and sometime I don't talk for days on end. Would that bother you? Potential flatmates should know the worst about each other.

John

You told him about me?

Not a word.

John

Then who says anything about flatmates?

Sherlock

I did. Told Mike this morning I must be a difficult man to find a flatmate for. Now here he is, just after lunch, with an old friend clearly just home from military service in Afghanistan. Wasn't a difficult leap.

John

How did you know about Afghanistan?

Sherlock

Got my eyes on a nice little place in central London, we ought to be able to afford it. We'll meet there tomorrow evening seven o'clock. Sorry, got to dash, I think I left my riding crop in the mortuary.

John

Is that it?

Sherlock

Is that what?

John

We've only just met, and we're going to go and look at a flat?

Sherlock

Problem?

John

We don't know a thing about each other. I don't know where we're meeting, I don't even know your name.

Sherlock

I know you're an Army doctor, and you've been invalided home from Afghanistan. You've got a brother worried about you, but you won't go to him for help, because you don't approve of him, possibly because he's an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp's psychosomatic, quite correctly, I'm afraid. That's enough to be going on with, don't you think? The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221B Baker Street. Afternoon.

Yeah, he's always like that.

John

[upon first seeing Baker Street] Well this is a prime spot. Must be expensive.

Sherlock

Mrs. Hudson, the landlady, is giving me a special deal. She owes me a favour. A few years back her husband got himself sentenced to death in Florida. I was able to help out.

John

You stopped her husband from being executed?

Sherlock

Oh, no. I ensured it.

Sherlock

Brilliant! YES! Four serial suicides and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas! Mrs. Hudson, I'll be late. Put the kettle on. [Rushes out]

Mrs. Hudson

I had a husband like that once, always rushing about. But I can see you're more the sitting-down type. I'll get some tea, and you just rest your leg.

John

DAMN MY LEG! Sorry! I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this thing is just...

Mrs. Hudson

I understand, dearie. I've got a hip.

Sherlock

You're an army doctor.

John

Yes.

Sherlock

Any good?

John

Very good.

Sherlock

Seen a lot of injuries, then? Violent deaths?

John

Well, yes.

Sherlock

Bit of trouble too, I bet.

John

Of course, yes. Enough for a lifetime. Far too much.

Sherlock

[beat] Want to see some more?

John

Oh, God, yes.

Sherlock

Did I get anything wrong?

John

Harry and me don't get on, never have. Clara and Harry split up three months ago and they're getting a divorce. And Harry is a drinker.

Sherlock

Spot on, then. I didn't expect to be right about everything.

John

Harry's short for Harriet.

Sherlock

[stops walking] Harry's your sister.

John

What exactly am I supposed to be doing here?

Sherlock

[starts to stride along] Sister!

John

No, seriously, what am I doing here?

Sherlock

There's always something.

Cardiff?

Sherlock

It's obvious, isn't it?

John

It's not obvious to me.

Sherlock

Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.

John

You don't have a girlfriend, then?

Sherlock

Girlfriend? No, not really my area.

John

Oh right then. [pause] Do you have a boyfriend? Which is fine, by the way—

Sherlock

I know it's fine.

John

So you've got a boyfriend?

Sherlock

No.

John

Right, okay. You're unattached, just like me. Fine. Good.

Sherlock

[After an awkward pause] John, um... I think you should know that I consider myself married to my work and while I am flattered by your interest I'm—

John

No—

Sherlock

—really not looking for anyone—

John

No. I'm not asking— no. I was just saying. Its all fine.

Sherlock

Good. Thank you.

Sherlock

[about the murder victim] Her coat is slightly damp; she's been in heavy rain in the last few hours. No rain anywhere in London in that time. Under her coat collar is damp too; she's turned it up against the wind. She's got an umbrella in her left-hand pocket, but it's dry and unused: not just wind, strong wind, too strong to use her umbrella. We know from her suitcase that she was intending to stay overnight, so she must have come a decent distance, but she can't have traveled more than two or three hours because her coat still hasn't dried. So, where has there been heavy rain and strong wind within the radius of that travel time? Cardiff.

John

That's fantastic!

Sherlock

Do you know you do that out loud?

John

Sorry. I'll shut up.

Sherlock

No, it's... fine.

Sherlock

Did he offer you money to spy on me...?

John

Yes.

Sherlock

Did you take it?

John

...No?

Sherlock

Pity, we could've split the fee. Think it through next time.

John

You got all that because you realised the case would be pink?

Sherlock

Well, it had to be pink, obviously.

John

Why didn't I think of that?

Sherlock

Because you're an idiot. [John looks up, insulted.] No, no, no, don't be like that, practically everyone is.