Inspector Lestrade quotes from Sherlock

I'm not in shock!

LLestrade

Yeah... but some of the guys want to take photographs.

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[When Sherlock asks about the shooter]

LLestrade

Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies I suppose. One of them might have been following him, but we've got nothing to go on.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

LLestrade

Ok, give me?

The bullet they just dug out of the wall is from a handgun. A kill shot like that over that distance from that sort of weapon, you're looking for a crack shot but not just a marksman, his hands mustn't have shaken at all so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger so obviously has a strong moral principle. You're looking for someone probably with a history of military service and nerves of steel... [sees John and suddenly realises] Actually, you know what? Ignore me.

LLestrade

...Sorry?

Ignore all of that. It's just the, uh, shock talking.

LLestrade

Wait, where are you going?

I just need to, uh, talk about the rent—

LLestrade

But I still have questions for you!

Oh, what, now? I'm in shock! Look, I've got a blanket.

LLestrade

Sherlock!

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John

[After a signature Sherlock monologue] Fantastic.

Meretricious.

LLestrade

And a happy New Year.

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How’s the hip?

Mrs Hudson

Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking.

I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems.

[awkward silence]

Oh, God. Sorry.

Don't make jokes Molly.

No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas.

LLestrade

That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted.

[offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher.

[Lestrade’s smile becomes rather fixed. Molly turns to John]

And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right?

Yeah.

Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying...

First time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze.

[offhandedly] Nope.

Shut up Sherlock.

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[on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.

[Cuts to Mrs Hudson's downstairs flat, where John is cleaning her face]

Mrs. Hudson

Oh, it stings. [Neilson falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins. [Neilson is heard groaning in agony]

[Cuts to police officers and paramedics congregating outside as an ambulance leaves and Sherlock stands by Lestrade on the sidewalk]

DLDI Lestrade

And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?

Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

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[Lestrade and John exit the inn where Sherlock and the doctor are staying in]

You know he is actually pleased you are here? Secretly pleased.

DID.I. Lestrade

Is it? That´s nice! I suppose he likes having all the same faces back together. Appeals to his... his...

Asperger´s? [Sherlock appears and Lestrade changes the topic of conversation to the case of the hound]

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[On being arrested] Hmm. Bit awkward, this.

There's no one to bail us.

I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.

What?

[Sherlock grabs a police radio, sending all police headphones into feedback and alarm. In the chaos, he takes a gun from the nearest officer and waves it around]

Ladies and gentlemen, will you please all get on your knees? [Firing the gun in the air] Now would be good!

DLDI Lestrade

Do as he says!

Just so you're aware, the gun is his idea... I'm just, you know...

[suddenly pointing the gun at John's head] My hostage!

Hostage! Yes. That works...

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[Anderson has been telling Lestrade a convoluted theory that might explain how Sherlock survived the fall from St Barts' roof]

LLestrade

Bollocks!

No, no, no, no! It’s obvious! That’s how he did it! It’s obvious!

LLestrade

Derren Brown?! Let it go, Sherlock’s dead.

Ah, is he?

LLestrade

There was a body. It was him, it was definitely him. Molly Hooper laid him out.

No, she’s lying. It was Jim Moriarty’s body – with a mask on!

LLestrade

A mask? A bungee rope, a mask, Derren Brown. Two years and the theories keep getting more stupid. How many more have you got for me today?

[Beat] Well, you know the paving slabs in that whole area, even the exact ones that he landed on, you know they were all...

LLestrade

[Interrupting] Guilt. That’s all this is. You pushed us all into thinking that Sherlock was a fraud, you and Donovan, you did this, and it killed him, and he’s staying dead. Do you honestly believe if you have enough stupid theories it’s going to change what really happened?

I believe in Sherlock Holmes.

LLestrade

Yeah, but that won’t bring him back.

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[Apparently alone, in a darkened car park, Lestrade goes to light a cigarette]