Mrs Hudson quotes from Sherlock

Sherlock

Brilliant! YES! Four serial suicides and now a note! Oh, it's Christmas! Mrs. Hudson, I'll be late. Put the kettle on. [Rushes out]

Mrs. Hudson

I had a husband like that once, always rushing about. But I can see you're more the sitting-down type. I'll get some tea, and you just rest your leg.

John

DAMN MY LEG! Sorry! I'm so sorry. It's just sometimes this thing is just...

Mrs. Hudson

I understand, dearie. I've got a hip.

Mrs Hudson

It's a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes.

Mycroft Holmes

Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson.

Mycroft!

Mycroft Holmes

[A long pause] Apologies.

Mrs Hudson

Thank you.

Sherlock Holmes

Though do in fact shut up.

Molly Hooper

How’s the hip?

Mrs Hudson

Ooh, it’s atrocious, but thanks for asking.

Molly Hooper

I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems.

Molly Hooper

Oh, God. Sorry.

Sherlock Holmes

Don't make jokes Molly.

Molly Hooper

No. Sorry. [Lestrade hands her a glass of red wine] Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you were gonna be in Dorset for Christmas.

That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife. We’re back together. It’s all sorted.

Sherlock Holmes

[offhandedly] No, she's sleeping with a P.E. teacher.

Molly Hooper

And John. I hear you’re off to your sister’s, is that right?

John Watson

Yeah.

Molly Hooper

Sherlock was complaining- [gets a dirty look from Shelock] -Saying...

John Watson

First time ever, she’s cleaned up her act. She’s off the booze.

Sherlock Holmes

[offhandedly] Nope.

John Watson

Shut up Sherlock.

John Watson

I am really sorry.

You know, my friends are so wrong about you.

John Watson

Hmm?

You're a great boyfriend.

John Watson

[surprised] Okay, that’s good. I mean, I always thought I was great.

And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.

John Watson

[groans] Jeanette please-

No, I mean it. It’s heart-warming. You’ll do anything for him – and he can’t even tell your girlfriends apart.

John Watson

No, I’ll do anything for you. Just tell me what it is I’m not doing. Tell me!

Don’t make me compete with Sherlock Holmes.

John Watson

I’ll walk your dog for you. Hey, I’ve said it now. I’ll even walk your dog-

I don't have a dog!

John Watson

No, because that was...the last one. Okay.

Jesus!

John Watson

I'll call you!

No!

John Watson

Okay.

Mrs Hudson

That really wasn’t very good, was it?

Mrs Hudson

Oh, Sherlock!

Sherlock Holmes

Don't snivel, Mrs Hudson. It will do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.

Sherlock Holmes

[on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no-no-no-no, we're fine. No, it's the burglar. He's got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.

Mrs. Hudson

Oh, it stings. [Neilson falls past the window and crashes on top of a dumpster] Oh, that was right on my bins. [Neilson is heard groaning in agony]

And exactly how many times did he fall out the window?

Sherlock Holmes

Oh, it's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

John Watson

She'll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.

Mrs Hudson

No.

Sherlock Holmes

Nonsense, she's fine.

John Watson

No she's not, look at her! She's got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. [To Mrs Hudson] Doctor's orders.

Sherlock Holmes

Don't be absurd.

John Watson

She's in shock, for God's sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera phone! Where is it, anyway?

Sherlock Holmes

Safest place I know.

Mrs Hudson

You left it in the pocket of your second best dressing gown, you clot. [Hands the phone to Sherlock] I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.

Sherlock Holmes

Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson!

John Watson

Shame on me?

Sherlock Holmes

Mrs Hudson, leave Baker Street? England would fall!

Sherlock Holmes

[Slurring] I have an international reputation. Do you have an international reputation?

John Watson

No, I... don’t have an international reputation.

Sherlock Holmes

No. And I can’t even remember what for. ‘S... crime. Something like that.

Mrs Hudson

Oh! What are you doing back? I thought you were going out late?

Sherlock Holmes

Ah, Hudders. What time is it?

Mrs Hudson

You've only been out two hours.

John Watson

(panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?

Sherlock Holmes

(short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now--

John Watson

SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.

Sherlock Holmes

I didn't say it was funny.

John Watson

(turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?

Sherlock Holmes

Everything.

John Watson

(steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.

Sherlock Holmes

No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.

John Watson

Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.

Sherlock Holmes

You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.

Mrs. Hudson

(surprised) It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing!

Sherlock Holmes

(offhandedly) And exotic dancing.

Mrs. Hudson

(insulted) Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing--

Sherlock Holmes

(losing patience) John, you're addicted to a certain lifestyle! You're abnormally attracted...to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?

John Watson

(voice breaking) But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?

Sherlock Holmes

Because you chose her.

John Watson

Why is everything...always...MY FAULT?!? (kicks a chair aside ferociously)

Mrs. Hudson

(flees into the kitchen, horrified) Oh, the neighbours.

Sherlock Holmes

John, listen. Be calm and answer me. What is she?

John Watson

My lying wife.

Sherlock Holmes

No. What is she?

John Watson

The woman who is carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her.

Sherlock Holmes

No. Not in this flat. Not in this room. Right here, right now, what...is...she?

John Watson

Okay. Your way. (resentful) Always your way. (places a chair in front of Mary) Sit.

Why?

John Watson

Because that's where they sit! The people who come in here with their stories. The clients. That's what you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen and we decide if we want you or not!