MWMary Watson
David, this is Sherlock.
DDavid
Yeah, we’ve, um...we’ve met.
[Flashback to Sherlock’s living room, where he is apparently interviewing David]
DDavid
So, what exactly are my duties as an usher?
Let’s talk about Mary first.
Oh, I think you know what. You went out with her for two years.
DDavid
Er...ages ago, we’re just good friends now.
Is that a fact? Whenever she tweets, you respond within five minutes regardless of time or current location, suggesting you have her on text alert. In all your Facebook photos of the happy couple, Mary takes centre frame whereas John is always partly or entirely excluded.
DDavid
[Laughing nervously] You can’t assume from that that I’ve still got...some kind of interest in Mary...
You volunteered to be a shoulder to cry on on no less than three separate occasions. Do you have anything to say in your defence? [David looks stunned] I think from now on we’ll downgrade you to ‘casual acquaintance with no more than three planned social encounters a year, and always in John’s presence’. I have your contact details. I will be monitoring.
DDavid
...They’re right about you. You’re a bloody psychopath.
High-functioning sociopath. With your number. [He grins evilly]
(panting with rage against Mary) I've got a better question: is everyone I've ever met a psychopath?
(short pause) Yes. Good that we've settled that. Now--
SHUT UP!! And stay shut up, because this is not funny. Not this time.
I didn't say it was funny.
(turns to Mary) You. What have I ever done? Hmm? My whole life, to deserve you?
(steps towards Sherlock threateningly) Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.
No, I mean it. Seriously. Everything, everything you've ever done is what you did.
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.
You were a doctor who went to war. You're a man who couldn't stay in the suburbs for more than a month without storming a crack den, beating up a junkie. Your best friend is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That's me, by the way. (waves hand) Hello. Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.
(surprised) It was my husband's cartel. I was just typing!
(offhandedly) And exotic dancing.
(insulted) Sherlock Holmes, if you've been YouTubing--
(losing patience) John, you're addicted to a certain lifestyle! You're abnormally attracted...to dangerous situations and people, so is it truly such a surprise that the woman you've fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?
(voice breaking) But she wasn't supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?
Why is everything...always...MY FAULT?!? (kicks a chair aside ferociously)
(flees into the kitchen, horrified) Oh, the neighbours.
John, listen. Be calm and answer me. What is she?
The woman who is carrying my child who has lied to me since the day I met her.
No. Not in this flat. Not in this room. Right here, right now, what...is...she?
Okay. Your way. (resentful) Always your way. (places a chair in front of Mary) Sit.
Because that's where they sit! The people who come in here with their stories. The clients. That's what you are now, Mary. You're a client. This is where you sit and talk and this is where we sit and listen and we decide if we want you or not!
I've thought long and hard about what I want to say to you. These are prepared words, Mary. I've chosen these words with care.
The problems of your past are your business. The problems of your future...are my privilege. That's all I have to say; that's all I need to know [He throws her USB stick in the fire] No, I didn't read it.
MWMary Watson
[crying] You don't even know my name.
Is "Mary Watson" good enough for you?
MWMary Watson
Yes! Oh my God, yes.
Then it's good enough for me, too.
[they embrace]
All this does not mean that I'm not still basically pissed off with you.
MWMary Watson
Mm, I know, I know.
I am very pissed off, and it will come out now and then.
MWMary Watson
I know, I know, I know.
You can mow the sodding lawn from now on.
MWMary Watson
I do mow the lawn.
MWMary Watson
You really don't.
I choose the baby's name.
MWMary Watson
Not a chance.
Hang on, Mary’s better than me?
Well, she is a retired super-agent with a terrifying skill-set. Of course she’s better.
What, so I’m supposed to just go home now, am I?
MWMary Watson
What do you think, Sherlock? Shall we take him with us?
MWMary Watson
He’s handy and loyal.
That’s hilarious. Is it too early for a divorce?
Sherlock · 206 quotes
