ElaineOn occasion.
Elaine
No.
How can he not know that?
Elaine
Because I was gooood.
I guess after that many beers he'd be pretty groggy anyway.
Elaine
[chuckles] You didn't know.
Elaine
Yeah.
Elaine
Yeah.
Elaine
I faked it.
The whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act?
Elaine
Not bad, huh?
What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming?
Elaine
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
Elaine
So I'm all right? I don't need a shot?
DDoctor
Not shot. Dog bite.
Elaine
Yes, I know I wasn't shot. Do I need a shot?
DDoctor
Not shot. Dog bite. Woof-woof. Not bang-bang.
...
Elaine
[about to be injected with the rabies shot] It's not going to hurt a lot, is it?
Who goes to South America?!
Elaine
People go to South America!
Yeah, and then they come back with things taped to their large intestines!
Elaine
So because of a few bad apples, you're going to impugn an entire continent?
Yes, I'm impugning a continent.
Uh, I don't feel so good.
Elaine
What's wrong?
My stomach, I , I think it was that cookie.
Elaine
The black and white?
Elaine
Not getting along?
It's like I've got David Duke and Farrakhan down there!
Elaine
Well, if we can't look to the cookie, where can we look?
Oh, my stomach! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!
Elaine
Wait. What about your vomit streak?
I know! I haven't thrown up since June 29, 1980!
[George and his girlfriend Diane are walking along the beach]
DDiane
[Referring to him being a marine biologist] Your parents must be so proud of you, George.
[They come across a group of people looking out into the ocean]
DDiane
What are those people doing over there? [As they approach the group] What's going on over here?
WWoman
There's a beached whale, she's dying.
MMan
Is anyone here a marine biologist?
[Everyone begins shouting for George to help]
DDiane
Save the whale, George. For me.
[George drops his hat, coat, shoes and socks and walks into the ocean]
[Recounting the story to Jerry and Kramer at the coffee shop] So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you, boys, I was terrified. But I pressed on! And as I made my way passed the breakers, a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I'm telling you, Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist.
Elaine
[Enters the coffee shop and sits next to George] George, I'd just been reading this thing in the paper, it's unbelievable!
I know, I was just telling the story.
Well come on, George, finish the story.
The sea was angry that day, my friends - like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli. I got about fifty feet out and suddenly, the great beast appeared before me. I tell you he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he let out a great bellow. I said, "Easy, big fella!" And then, as I watched him struggling, I realized that something was obstructing its breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Well, what did you do next?
Well then, from out of nowhere, a huge tidal wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork, and I found myself right on top of him - face to face with the blowhole. I could barely see from the waves crashing down upon me, but I knew something was there. So I reached my hand in, felt around, and pulled out the obstruction.
[George reveals the obstruction to be a golf ball]
What is that, a Titleist?
[George nods]
C'mon, how was your date?
Elaine
Oh, the date...the date.
Elaine
Interesting.
Elaine
Oh yeah.
Elaine
Let's see...how shall I put this?
Elaine
...He took it out.
Elaine
He took [cleans her glasses] it out.
Elaine
It.
Elaine
Yes sireebob.
Elaine
He did.
Well, were you involved in some sort of amorous...
Elaine
Nooo.
Elaine
Yes.
Elaine
Oh, quite.
There was no mistaking it?
Elaine
Jerry.
So you were talking, you're having pleasant conversation...and then all of a sudden...
Elaine
Yeah.
Elaine
It.
Elaine
Out.
Well, I can't believe this. I know Phil. He's a good friend of mine. We play softball together. How could this be?
Elaine
Oh it be.
Well, what was I supposed to do? Get out of the shower, put on my bathrobe, go all the way down to the other end, come all the way back?
Elaine
Did you ever hear about holding it in?
Oh no. No, that's very bad for the kidneys.
Elaine
How do you know?
[scoffs] Medical journals.
Do the medical journals mention anything about standing in a pool of someone else's urine?
Elaine
I know they're your parents Jerry, and they're very nice people. But don't you think it's odd, that a 35-year-old man is going to these lengths to see that someone else's parents are enjoying themselves? I mean, don't you find that abnormal?
Elaine
I mean they're your parents and you don't do anything. So why is this stranger doing it?
I've hardly been out to dinner with them.
Elaine
See, see, I can't even say anything, you know, because all he's really doing is being nice. But nobody is this nice, this is like certifiably nice.
You're right. He's insane.
[Jerry and George urge Elaine into the bedroom with them]
Do women know about "shrinkage"?
Elaine
What do you mean, like laundry?
Like when a man goes swimming...afterwards...
Elaine
[figures it out, gives a look of surprise, then confusion] It shrinks?
Like a frightened turtle!
Elaine
Why does it shrink?
[growing despondent] It just does.
Elaine
...I don't know how you guys walk around with those things.
Why did it all turn out like this for me? I had so much promise. I was personable, I was bright. Oh, maybe not academically speaking, but... I was perceptive. I always know when someone's uncomfortable at a party. It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat... It's all been wrong.
WWaitress
Tuna on toast, coleslaw, cup of coffee.
Yeah. No, no, no, wait a minute, I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of tuna on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... with a side of potato salad ... and a cup of tea!
Elaine
Well, there's no telling what can happen from this.
You know chicken salad is not the opposite of tuna, salmon is the opposite of tuna, because salmon swim against the current, and the tuna swim with it.
[sarcastically] Good for the tuna.
Elaine
[a blonde looks at George] Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you.
So what? What am I supposed to do?
Elaine
Go talk to her.
Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women.
Well, here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them.
Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should.
If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right.
Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! [He goes over to the woman] Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction.
VVictoria
Oh, yes I was. You just ordered the exact same lunch as me.
[Takes a deep breath] My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
VVictoria
[smiles] I'm Victoria. Hi.
So did you enjoy your lunch?
Elaine
Yeah, A big salad. Very good. Actually it was too big. Ha ha ha. What?
Oh, because she handed you the bag. I could have handed you the bag. She happened to pick it up at the restaurant even though...
Elaine
Even though what?
No, it's just you thanked HER, and and oh, what's the difference?
Elaine
What? What are you trying to say, George?
It's just that I was the one who actually paid for the big salad. She just happened to hand it to you. But it's no big deal.
Elaine
You want the money for the big salad, George?
Elaine
What is the problem?
There is no problem... just a small miscommunication. Whereby you thanked her instead of the person actually responsible for purchasing the big salad.
Seinfeld · 352 quotes
