George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.

Jerry

Good to have you back.

George

And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.

Jerry

She's as good as anybody else.

George

Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.

Jerry

Yeah you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Jerry

So George, how do I beat this lie detector?

George

I'm sorry, Jerry I can't help you.

Jerry

Come on, you've got the gift. You're the only one that can help me.

George

Jerry, I can't. It's like saying to Pavorotti, "Teach me to sing like you."

Jerry

All right, well I've got to go take this test. I can't believe I'm doing this.

George

Jerry, just remember. It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry

You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

George

No I didn't.

Elaine

Yes, you did. You said, "George likes spicy chicken."

Jerry

You know what you're doing? You're turning into Jimmy.

George

George is getting UPSET!

George

[realizing that his girlfriend doesn't care what he looks like or what he wears] You know Jerry; I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over.

Jerry

And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins.

George

So, did you get your new plates?

Kramer

Oh... yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their vanity plates.

George

What do they say?

Kramer

Assman.

Jerry

Assman?

Kramer

Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman!

Jerry

Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"?

George

Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's.

Jerry

It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass.

Kramer

Yeah, or it could be a proctologist.

Jerry

Yeah. Proctologist.

George

Come on! No doctor would put that on his car.

Kramer

Have you ever met a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. Plant yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they stuck something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one!"

Estelle

Georgie, I'm a divorcee.

George

No, you're not a divorcee. You're just separated. You're — you're a "separatee."

Estelle

Well, I'm out there, George.

George

No, you're not out there.

Estelle

I am, too!

George

You're not out there! You can't be, because I am out there. And if I see you out there, there's not enough voltage in this world to electroshock me back into coherence!

Jerry

So, what're you doing about Morgan?

George

You know, what would be great? If she could see me with some of my black friends.

Jerry

Yeah except you don't really have any black friends. Outside of us, you don't have any white friends either.

George

You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says 'I love you,' and the other one says 'I'm hungry, let's get something to eat.'

Jerry

Unless you're married...

George

Now she thinks I'm one of these guys that loves her. Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them!

Jerry

No, people hate that.

George

You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.

Jerry

Ideally.

George

I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.

George

I watched "Beaches" on cable last night... give me a break.

Get some talent. Then you can mouth off.

Jerry

Well, you know, we were having dinner the other night, and she's got this strangest habit: she eats her peas one at a time. You've never seen anything like it. It takes her an hour to finish them. I mean, we've had dinner other times. I've seen her eat corn niblets, but she scooped them.

George

She scooped the niblets?

Jerry

Yes. That's what was so vexing.

Susan

If you don't want to marry me, George, just say so. [crying] Say so.

George

Still marry. Still marry.

Susan

No, you don't love me.

George

No. Still love. Still love.

Susan

My parents told me you were too neurotic and that I was making a mistake.

George

No, no, no. No mistake, no mistake!

Jerry

New shirt?

George

Yeah. You like it?

Jerry

No, not particularly.

George

Why, the color?

Jerry

Yeah.

George

Too flashy?

Jerry

Yeah, it's burning my retina.

Elaine

[To George after he mocked her catalogue] Yeah, what do you do all day?

George

Not that much.

Jerry

I thought that new promotion was supposed to be a lot more work.

George

Yeah, when the season starts. Right now I sit around pretending that I'm busy.

Jerry

How do you pull that off?

George

I always look annoyed. Yeah, when you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy. Think about it... [puts on an annoyed face]

Elaine

Yeah, you do! He looks very busy!

Jerry

Yeah, he looks busy!

George

I know what I'm doin.' In fact Mr. Wilhelm gave me one of those little stress dolls. All right, back to work. [puts on the annoyed face]

[Pokes his head into Mr. Steinbrenner's office] You wanted to see me Mr. Steinbrenner?

Steinbrenner

Yes, George, come in, come in. [George enters the office and stands in front of Mr. Steinbrenner's desk] George, word has it you've been cracking under the pressure, can't cope, can't stand the heat, spit the bit.

Mr. Steinbrenner, I can explain-

Steinbrenner

We all get a little cuckoo sometimes, George. I used to be like you; berating personnel until they cried, calling managers on the field during a game, threatening to move the team to New Jersey just to upset people. And then I found a way to relax. I've got two words to say, George: hot tub.

George

Medium Turkey Chili.

Jerry

Medium Crab Bisque.

George

[Looking in the paper bag his cup of soup is in] I didn't get any bread.

Jerry

Just forget it. Let it go.

George

Excuse me, I think you forgot my bread.

Bread, two dollars extra.

George

Two dollars? But everybody in front of me got free bread.

You want bread?

George

Yes, please.

THREE dollars!

George

What?!

NO SOUP FOR YOU! [snaps fingers]