George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

whispering Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to punish you!

Jerry

That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.

George

So she coughed.

Jerry

Coughing? Naked? It's a turn-off, man.

George

Everything goes with naked.

Jerry

When you cough there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion.

George

You spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend just trying to picture women naked?

Jerry

But the thing you don't realize is that there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing - good. Naked crouching - bad.

Jerry

Hey George, I'm buyin' this car!

George

Shh. What is wrong with you? You never tell them you like the car! You're not sure what you want. You don't even know why you're here!

Jerry

You've been hiding her from us. you must really like her?

George

Ah! the minute I saw this girl, we just clicked. She's got such a nice face... hmm, her eyes, her mouth, nose...

Elaine

We know what a face consists of.

Jerry

We found out his super power is lack of money.

Elaine

Very funny.

Jerry

He's invulnerable to creditors.

Elaine

Ha ha.

Jerry

He's the "Got No Green" Lantern.

Elaine

All right, that's enough.

George

Hey, Elaine, maybe his girlfriend is "Lois Loan".

Elaine

Well crafted. [leaves, comes back] I forgot my glasses.

Jerry

He can wipe out his checking account in a single bounce!

Elaine

Keep 'em.

George

Maura I uh, I want you to know I've given this a lot of thought I'm sorry, but we uh we have to break up.

No.

George

What's that?

We're not breaking up.

George

We're not?

No.

George

[pauses for a moment] Alright.

George

What's that?

Jerry

It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

George

How much was it?

Jerry

Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

George

Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

Jerry

Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street. Maybe it's hot — that's his favorite.

Jerry

So Sophie gave me the "It's me" on the phone today.

Elaine

"It's me"? Isn't that a little premature?

Jerry

I thought so.

Elaine

She's not a me. I'm a me.

George

I'm against all "It's me's." So self-absorbed and egotistical. It's like those hip musicians with their complicated shoes!

George

I had 'em Jerry. They loved me.

Jerry

And then?

George

I lost 'em. I can usually come up with one good comment during a meeting, but by the end it's buried under a pile of gaffes and bad puns.

Jerry

Showmanship, George. When you hit that high note, say goodnight and walk off.

George

I can't return the book. It's been flagged in every Brentano's in town. So instead I'm going to steal it, return it, get my money back, and then everything will be even.

Jerry

You defile one book, steal another, get your money back, and that seems even to you?

Jerry

Hey, look at the high score. "G.L.C." George Louis Costanza. That's not you, is it?

George

Yes! 860,000. I can't believe it's still standing. No one has beaten me in, like, ten years.

Jerry

I remember that night.

George

Oh, I was UNSTOPPABLE! The perfect combination of Mountain Dew and mozzarella... just the right amount of grease on the joy stick...

Here's your pizza, pea brains.

Jerry

I think I remember why we stopped coming here.

George

Kramer, listen to me. I'm never gonna have a child. If I lose this "Frogger" high score, that's it for me.

Kramer

Believe me George; you can count on Slippery Pete.

George

Slippery Pete?

Kramer

Yeah, I don't care for the name either.

George

Jerry, I've been thinking. I've gone as far as I can with "George Costanza".

Jerry

Is this the suicide talk or the nickname talk?

George

The nickname... George, what is that? It's nothing. It's got no snap, no zip. I need a nickname that makes people light up.

Jerry

You mean like Liza?!

George

I was thinking T-Bone.

Jerry

But there's no T in your name. What about G-Bone?

George

There's no G-Bone.

Jerry

There's a G-Spot.

George

That's a myth.

George

[as the plane is about to crash] Jerry! Can you hear me?

Jerry

Yeah.

George

There's something I have to tell you!

Jerry

What is it?

George

I cheated in the contest!

Jerry

What?

George

The contest! I cheated!

Jerry

What? Why?

George

Because I'm a cheater! I had to tell you.

Jerry

Great! I won!

Jerry

See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot.

George

Really?

Jerry

Oh yeah. The second button is the key button. It literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it: it's too high, it's in no-man's land.

George

Haven't we had this conversation before?

Jerry

You think?

George

I think we have.

Jerry

Yeah, maybe we have.