George Costanza quotes from Seinfeld

George

You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?

Jerry

Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.

George

20 years... that long?

Jerry

Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?

George

Unfortunately, yes.

Jerry

How's your family history?

George

I have an aunt that died at age seven.

Jerry

Really?

George

Aunt Baby.

George

Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."

George

Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!

Elaine

How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?

George

What does that mean?

Jerry

Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."

George

No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.

Kramer

Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.

Jerry

Who was the last president to have a beard?

George

Nixon.

Jerry

No, I mean a real thick beard.

George

His was thick.

Jerry

No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.

George

Falkmore.

Jerry

Who?

George

Artemis N. Falkmore.

Jerry

You made that up, right?

George

Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?

Jerry

Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard

George

The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.

Jerry

[disbelief] So she wanted you to come up, but you left because you thought some guy might be calling you?!

George

[animated] Some guy. Some guy? Neil! I have got to find out how he could get a girl like Danielle.

Jerry

George, you've got Danielle. Forget about Neil. You've out-Neiled him.

George

[surprised] So, I'm Neil? How did I do that?

Jerry

I don't know, but you better keep it up.

George

I'm gonna go meet Danielle. [grabs his coat] There's a new Neil in town! [triumphant laughter] Hahaha!

Jerry

[to himself] I try to take a vacation, I come back, the whole operation's a shambles. [answers phone] Hello.

Morty

Hey Jerry. Number One here. Did you go see Izzy at the back specialist?

Jerry

I will, I just walked in the door.

Helen

You have to go see him.

Jerry

Ma.

Morty

Helen, will you stop bothering him.

Helen

Jerry, that shirt has gone right to his head.

Morty

Number One, signing off.

Kramer

Jerry, I just picked up the Cubans at the bus station. [shrill] What's going on!?

Jerry

What?

Kramer

[animated] They're not real Cubans. They're Dominicans.

Jerry

So?

Kramer

So, Jerry, if my investors don't get Cubans, the whole deal's off.

Jerry

What's the difference?

Kramer

Jerry, once you've had real Cubans, there's just nothing else like it.

Jerry

[confused] We're talking about people, right?

Kramer

Yes, yes. The quality, the texture, the intoxicating aroma. These guys don't have it.

Jerry

I thought they smelled pretty nice.

Kramer

Jerry, your palate's unrefined.

Jerry

Is not.

Kramer

Is too.

Jerry

Is not.

Kramer

Is too.

Jerry

I'm not having this conversation.

Kramer

Are too.

Jerry

Am not.

Kramer

Are too.

Jerry

Am not.

Kramer

Are too.

Elaine

I've yada yada'd sex.

George

Really?

Elaine

Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.

Jerry

But you yada yada'd over the best part.

Elaine

No, I mentioned the bisque.

Jerry

Good meeting?

George

There was no meeting. But it was quite a meeting. You are looking at the next director of Mets scouting. The only thing is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first.

Jerry

You can do that.

George

Of course. But I really wanna leave my mark this time. You know, uh, I wanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying "Wow! Now that guy got canned!"

George

When do you start to worry about ear hair?

Jerry

When you hear like a soft rustling.

Jerry

So you're pretending to be a tourist?

George

It's beautiful. She makes all the plans. I'm not from around here, so it's okay if I'm stupid. And she knows I'm only in town visiting, so there's no messy breakups.

George

What is Holland?

Jerry

What do you mean, "What is it?" It's a country right next to Belgium.

George

No, that's the Netherlands.

Jerry

Holland is the Netherlands.

George

Then who are the Dutch?

George

[To Jerry] Well, Play Now's through playing. They turned the heat way up in my office. Trying to sweat me out.

Jerry

[To Darren] Do you have to write all this stuff down?

Well, Mr. Kramer's in a meeting with Mr. Lomez but he didn't want to miss anything.

Jerry

[To George] So how hot did it get?

George

I don't know, hundred and twenty, hundred and thirty. Then they sent some guys in to sandblast for six hours, tomorrow they're putting in asbestos.

Jerry

I guess you can take anything but actual work.

George

Bring it on.

[using "the voice" that Jerry has created as a joke] Helllooo Kramer! Wellcomme! La, la, la.

Kramer

Sorry, I couldn't get out of there. [To Darren] What did I miss?

Well, after ordering Mr. Seinfeld and Mr. Costanza debated on whether or not Iron Man wore some sort of undergarment between his skin and his iron suit.

George

And I still say he's naked under there!

Jerry

[sarcastically] Oh that makes a lot of sense!

George

Aw, shut up!

Then Mr. Seinfeld went to the restroom at which point Mr. Costanza scooped ice out of Mr. Seinfeld's drink with his bare hand and used it to wash up. Mr. Costanza then remarked to me, "this never happened".

Frank

Serenity now! Serenity now!

George

What is that?

Frank

Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say "Serenity now!"

George

Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank

The man on the tape wasn't specific.

Jerry

So, you wanna grab a bite?

George

I can't. I gotta make the weekly call to the folks.

Jerry

So call now.

George

I gotta prep. I need a couple of anecdotes; a few "you were rights". It's a whole procedure.

George

Saving lives? She's one step above working at the Clinique counter.

Jerry

Dermatologists. Skin doesn't need a doctor.

George

Of course not. Wash it, dry it, move on.

George

You simply must apologize.

Jerry

Must I?

George

Yes! Because it is the mature, adult thing to do.

Jerry

How does that affect me?

George

So, how come nothing ever happened between you and Nina? [suspicious] Is there a problem with her? Is she a man?

Jerry

Are you?