Jerry Seinfeld quotes from Seinfeld

George

I don't get art.

Jerry

There's nothing to get.

George

No, it always has to be explained to me, and then I have to have someone explain the explanation.

Jerry

Like you didn't call me a phony?

What? [to Kramer] Thanks! REAL GOOD! [back to Jerry] Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.

Jerry

Use it in a sentence.

Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] WHY'D YOU TELL HIM!?

Kramer

He begged me!

HE BEGGED YOU!?

George

I dress by mood.

Jerry

And what mood is this?

George

This is Morning Mist.

Jerry

[trying to make a phone call] I don't have any change. You've got any change?

George

No, I don't have any change. I never carry change.

Jerry

Well, we need change and all I have is twenties.

George

I have a ten.

Jerry

So, break it.

George

I hate asking for change. They always make a face. Like I'm asking them to donate a kidney.

Jerry

So, buy something.

George

What?

Jerry

I don't know, some mints or TicTacs.

George

Breath problem?

Jerry

No, I just want some change.

Jerry

So Kramer, what are you going to do?

Kramer

Do? Do? Hey, I'm doing what I do. You know, I've always done what I do. I'm doing what I do, way I've always done and the way I'll always do it.

George

Kramer, what the hell are you talking about?

Kramer

What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That L.A. is a cold place even in the middle of the summer? That it's a lonely place even when your stuck in traffic at the Hollywood Freeway? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say?

George

I'd like to hear that.

Jerry

Yeah...

Kramer

Well, I'm not saying that! You know, things are going pretty well for me here. I met a girl...

Jerry

Kramer, she was murdered!

Kramer

Yeah, well I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I was on TV.

George

As a suspect in a serial killing.

Kramer

OK, yeah, you guys got to put a negative spin on everything.

Hi, would you be interested in switching over to TMI long distance service.

Jerry

Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

Uh, I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that.

Jerry

Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

No.

Jerry

Well, now you know how I feel. [hangs up; audience cheers]

Kramer

No. We had a deal. There are no guarantees in life.

Newman

No, but there's karma, Kramer.

Jerry

"Karma Kramer"?

Helen

If you don't think she's beautiful, there's something wrong with you.

Jerry

She's pretty. She's not beautiful.

Helen

I should drop dead if she's not beautiful.

Jerry

I think that's a little extreme.

She's alright.

Jerry

He's a bubble boy!

George

A bubble boy?!

Jerry

Yes. A bubble boy.

Susan

What's a bubble boy?

Jerry

He lives in a bubble.

George

Boy.

I thought you liked to laugh. I thought you were happy-go-lucky.

Jerry

No, nah. I'm not happy and I'm not lucky, and I don't go. If anything, I'm sad-stop-unlucky.

Hahahaha.

Jerry

That's not funny, Naomi. I didn't mean to be funny there. Why don't you check the TV Guide. I think, uh, Holocaust is on.

Jerry

Why don't you just get lost?

Why don't you get lost?!

Jerry

Because I was standing here, that's why!

Oh, yeah?!

Jerry

Yeah!

Jerry

I kinda like this opera crowd. I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

Jerry

She's a virgin. I just found out.

Elaine

Well, I didn't know!

Jerry

Well, it's not like spotting a toupee.

George

Hey, what are you doing tonight?

Jerry

Dating Marla.

George

Oh, the virgin?

Jerry

Yeah.

George

Any, uh...progress, there? What's the latest?

Jerry

Well, I got my troops amassed along the border - I'm just waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Elaine

What're you looking at?

Jerry

There's a naked woman across the street.

Elaine

[chuckling] This is gonna be the easiest money I've ever made in my life. So, my friend, Joyce, is teaching an aerobics class. I'm gonna go tonight.

Jerry

Yeah...the - the waitress should've taken it back.

Elaine

So then, I got a call this morning. You know, I was, uh, chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're goin' to Mars.

Jerry

Uh-huh.

George

Have a good time.

George

Aren't [postal workers] the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman

[ominously] Sometimes...

Jerry

Why is that?

Newman

Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up! It's relentless! Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out! But the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in! And then the bar code reader breaks! And it's Publisher's Clearing House day!