Charge quotes from Sea Patrol

Charge

Ah, salmon vol a vaunts, number five on my list of all time favourite horses doovers.

RO

Fascinating. What’s your number one?

Charge

Pig in a blanket.

RO

Does anybody... oh, sorry. Can anyone tell me where the gents is?

Swain

Bathroom.

Charge

How many of those have you had?

RO

Two? Three? I just, um... they’re very nice.

Swain

Ah, no, mate, I haven’t spotted the head yet. Might want to try downstairs, though.

RO

Thank you.

Swain

Ah, Robert?

RO

Mmm?

Swain

Stay away from golf buggies.

Charge

And the transsexuals.

Dutchy

So, who do you think he’s protecting?

Bomber

He fancies Bird. Was it you?

Bird

No.

Charge

No, Bird was cleaning ovens all night, Bomber.

Bomber

Not all night, Charge.

Swain

Bomb, she didn’t leave the ship.

Dutchy

Where were you, Bomber?

Bomber

Wasn’t me.

Charge

Course it wasn’t.

Swain

Oh, come on, she wasn’t even there. [Bomber turns to look at him.] Were you?

Bomber

Oh, what? So I’m invisible now? Get out of my galley.

Swain

Well, six hours left, 2Dads. Time to spill your guts.

Bomber

Come on, 2Dads, tell us.

Bird

At least tell Bomber it wasn’t me.

Dutchy

Listen everyone, I think the right thing to do is whoever did it to fess up themselves.

Charge

That’s right.

RO

Oh, that went well.

RO

You should have pointed your feet at his head.

Mike

Sorry, RO?

RO

Well, Thai’s believe that the head is holy, the feet unholy, the worst thing you can do is point your feet at their head.

Mike

[Exasperated.] Thanks for that, RO.

RO

[Sincerely.] You’re welcome, sir.

Charge

Feet?

RO

Yeah.

Swain

You all think you know CPR back to front.

Charge

RPC!

Even human fat's worth big bucks in the cosmetics industry. You're a walking gold mine, Charge.

Charge

Have you ever thought about selling your brain? It's not like it's being used.

Bomber

Is there anything I could help with?

Charge

Why did you volunteer for this detail?

Bomber

I didn't want to be there when they called off the search. So, is there anything I could help?

Charge

No, just stay on the shipping lane. A monkey can do this.

Bomber

Remember when he brought that monkey onboard?

Charge

Idiot!

This is the Coast Watch Announcement. Attention all shipping. The Sudbury Kay - a person's been spotted by Civilian Aircraft on the kay in need of assistance. There are no further details at this time, any vessel in the area, please respond. Over.

Charge

Sudbury Kay!

Bomber

Charge!! That's way south of the search area. It couldn't be him.

Charge

Why not?

Bomber

Well, not if he was diving up in Saxon Reef. It's against the wind direction, current - it's impossible.

Charge

But what if he wasn't on Saxon Reef?

Bomber

What?

Charge

What if they were diving up in Palau Reef? What if Herry Edwards created a fake search area to the north, so he could find 2Dads by himself? That's why he didn't go back to port!

Bomber

And what about that poor girl's leg?

Charge

They planted it!

Bomber

Why?

Charge

I don't know why! I am going to take a look.

Bomber

No Way!

Charge

You steer the ship, I'll take care of the engines.

Charge

If there is anything else I can do. If you ever wanna go on another dive trip, I will do it. I will make myself do it.

I don't think I'm gonna be doing that for a while. There is one thing I've always wanted to do.

Charge

What is it?

Just haven't found anyone to do it with.

Charge

Hey, I'm there. I'm your guy. Name it.

Skydiving.

Dutchy

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck,its a duck.

Charge

Or a goose...

Dutchy

No, Geese honk!

Dutchy

There’s no one below decks, X.

Charge

You sure?

Dutchy

Apart from Harold Holt and Osama bin Laden, yeah. I’m sure.

Charge

Just one question, sir.

Mike

Yes, Charge?

Charge

With Bomber away, who’s gonna cook for us?

Mike

Well, I’m sure we’ll manage. RO, you’ve had experience in the galley.

RO

Uh, I think that we should probably go back and get her, sir.

Dutchy

How hard can it be to burn a bit of scran?

RO

Seriously, I think that we should go back and get her now.

Charge

He may be right, sir. If you could remember back to last time. There was... problems.

Mike

Bird, can you cook?

Bird

Uh, a bit, sir.

Mike

You can give RO a hand in the galley.

Bird

Great!

Mike

There you go, RO. Enthusiastic helper. Just keep it simple.

RO

We all die, it’s not my fault.

Charge

We will die.

Charge

How’s lunch?

RO

Bird and I had a disagreement about condiments. She’s finishing it up.