Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line is: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something.
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Girl problems?
How'd you know?
You look like you got problems. You're a girl. Hence, girl problems. Watch your nails.
Listen up, Newbie, if you don't open up that door on the count of three, I will start huffing and puffing!
[narration] It's hard trying to figure out how to reach somebody. I guess the only thing to do is to think of someone that I look up to and remember how they first got through to me.
[Dr. Cox coming around the corner, approaches J.D.]
Newbie, the only way you could be less productive right now is if you were in fact, the wall on which you're leaning against. Of course, then you'd be providing some jackass with a wall on which to lean against and reflect on what a jackass he truly is. I know, here it's a conundrum, but don't you worry about it. I'll tackle that one right upstairs [points to his head]. In the meantime, you could at least pretend to be doing some work. And right about now, even though you don't have your basket, oh it's just a terrific time for you to skip away, Shirley.
[J.D. walks away slowly]
Skip away, skip away, skip away [J.D. skips a little], skip, skip, skip to my lou, whoo hoo!
Okay, so you're having a little trouble asking out Kristen. There's no shame in it.
Whoa there, Curly, I got no problem asking a woman out. Watch this. [to a passing woman] Wanna have a drink sometime?
No.
Good. [to Turk] See? I'm fine over here.
Hey Bambi, you know Mr. Simon made one of the night nurses cry?
Which one?
Frank.
Frank used to be a Navy SEAL!
Sir, what happened to Bunny? We gotta know.
Well, actually, the music came before Bunny. I learned to play the guitar growing up as a young rapscallion in Mississippi, but things didn't really take off until I moved to Memphis. Then, I met the Colonel, and the hits just kept on comin'! Unfortunately, it went to my head. I gained a lot of weight, wore a white jumpsuit, and ate tranquilizers like they were trail mix.
Sir...
Then in 1977 I died on the toilet... or did I?
You never played the guitar, did you?
Son, that crap is for hippies! Now for God's sake get back to work! [Once Elliot and Turk have left, in an Elvis Presley-like voice] Thank ya, thank ya very much.
[J.D. and Dr. Cox are in a patient's room talking. J.D. has just been told that he has to give a lecture for a resident.]
That sucks, I totally wanted to spend some time with my dad tomorrow.
Then take him.
What do you mean?
Secure a vehicle of some kind, car, balloon, tricycle. And transport your father from wherever he is to where you're going to be.
I don't think you really get my dad. He's not really interested in my work. He's more like a buddy.
Okaaay, that was my mistake. Here I engaged you, and gave you the impression that I actually cared, which is just so wrong, God!
The thing is I don't really need a buddy. What I need is a father.
Well, you definitely need something. Um, maybe a backbone. Or perhaps some testicles. At the very least, a pillow that you can carry around the hospital and cry your sad eyes out.
[To patient, who has been listening to the conversation] I have testicles. He's a kidder.
[Narration] Maybe the mistake we make is thinking our parents will change. And maybe they did a better job than we give them credit for. And maybe there, amid all the crap they dumped on us, are some things worth keeping. Like a passion for something you never knew you had. Or the ability to constantly surround yourself with people who love you.
Oh, it's just coffee.
Oh, no, no. This is liquid crack; this is a mug full of sunshine; my dear, for me, this is like sex.
Oh! Is that why you always finish so quickly?
[as Nurse walks away] Mmmm, and sassy too. If you can cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom!
He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because...I'm not sure there's a cat heaven.
The key to my exercise program is this one simple truth: I hate my body. You understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby, you just lost the battle.
You should give speeches to teenage girls.
Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?
Jordan, you're a big girl. When you got divorced you put people in the awkward position of having to choose between you and Perry.
You're my brother!
Well, admittedly that made it hard—ooh, here's a good one. [holds up a snapshot he just took of Jordan] "Me so cranky! Rrr."
[Dr. Cox is examining Ben, who has a nail impaled through his hand and stuck in a board. JD walks in.]
What's that, like your "lucky board" or something?
What's that? Oh, no, it's a nail gun accident. [Shows J.D. the bottom, which is covered in blood]
Oh my God, that's disgusting.
I already dosed him with morphine and the X-ray says the nail went straight through, so it's not that big a d... oh, dear God, she's getting woozy. Quickly, show her the bloody side.
Look at that. Oh, it's a nail. You wanna touch it? Touch the nail. Touch my nail! Touch it! LICK THE TIP OF MY NAIL!
[J.D. faints]
Goodnight! Now, let’s get you to a hand surgeon.
What about tough guy?
[Flicks his glove at JD.] Somebody’ll get her.
[Waves with his nailed hand.] Bye bye.
Please don’t. [Faints again.]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Scrubs pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.