Scrubs quotes

Ted

I'm really not what you would call a winner. Oh sure, I'm a lawyer. But that's only because I took the bar exam in Alaska and they only have like four laws, and most of them are about when you can, and cannot, kill... seals.

Turk

[to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?

No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.

Death doesn't really bother me unless it's someone I know. And even then, if it happens in a funny way, like my cousin who, honest to God, was flattened by a steamroller... I still actually enjoy it.

You can call me Sunny. My dad nicknamed me that because he said I brighten up a room. Of course, in college I had a few dark years. My car was stolen, I had three—was it three? No, four—I had four abortions.

I'm joking!

Denise

I'm gonna kill you with a hammer.

Denise

Why are you laughing?

Because I'm scared. I'm not that strong.

Dr. Kelso

What do you want?

I'm getting ready to torture Nurse Chestwhiskers [Carla], but it's her word against mine, so I need you to verify yesterday's incident.

Dr. Kelso

What incident? I wasn't even here yesterday.

You were there.

Dr. Kelso

Excuse me. [holds a muffin to his ear] What? Ssh, he's standing right here!

Me?

Dr. Kelso

Okay, I'll tell him. [to Janitor] My muffin thinks you're crazy and she wants you to go.

Tell your muffin that I think she's crazy. Maybe she should go!

Dr. Kelso

No.

What is happening to me? [leaves, upset]

Hey, Zeltzer. My family is with me here, but all the tables are full. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?

No, not at all. I get family. You know I'm here so much I hardly ever see my wife. That's why I installed a webcam in my house so I can see her during the day. Right now, I'm watching her do the dishes.

Who in God's name are those two naked people?

That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.

[disgusted] Get out!

I wanna thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.

Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?

[letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?

Ssure, You know, that's uhm, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like, like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.

Okay. I'll call you. [leaves]

Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!

Jordan

You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!

Everything is fine between me and Lady. And excuse me for not having a relationship built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.

We don't hate each other. Do we?

Jordan

A little bit. But we make it work. At least I can hold your hand. [notices Cox's wedding ring] What's this? What the hell, are you wearing a wedding ring?

You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.

Jordan

Months?

Gotta go! [runs off]

J.D.

You need to hire a few more nurses.

Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You of course offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again, by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and that's a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.

J.D.

That was super fun.

Carla

[to Turk] You know, if we do hook up tonight, for once, you won't be the only one thinking about J.D.

Turk

So you're working tonight too, huh?

Elliot

Yeah.

Turk

Yeah, I'm the on-call surgical-attending. I kinda signed up because J.D. was supposed to be working with me.

Elliot

I'm covering for him, he and Sam went on a little trip to... You know what, it's not important.

Turk

Oh, no, no, no, finish your thought.

Elliot

I didn't wanna be the one to tell you this. Kim had a medical conference in Anaheim and so J.D. went and took Sam to Disneyland...

Turk

That's impossible. Because he and I swore to each other that, since neither one of us has ever been to Disneyland, that we would go for our 40th birthday together.

Elliot

What do you want me to say?

Turk

I want you to tell me that he's not at Disneyland right now, can you tell me that?

Elliot

No.

Turk

You know what, adults move on. And that's what I'm doing right now, I'm moving on. How do you wanna handle tonight's workload?

Elliot

Okay, I was thinking-

Turk

[screaming] I can't do it Elliot! You know, I tried! I tried, but it hurts too bad, it hurts me deep right here. It hurts me, I can feel it in my chest, that man went to Disneyland without me! They got roller-coasters that roller-coaster in the dark! Okay? You don't know where the turns are coming from! They got the Finding Nemo ride, where you're riding around with Nemo! And it is a ride, a ride, with Nemo!

Turk

Derek, can you give Denise's patient a thoracentesis and get that fluid out of there?

Surgery to the rescue! [to Denise] You are welcome.

Denise

Awww, that's adorable: you have a crush on yourself. I'd be careful, the guy you're in love with is a douche.

[clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, you know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.

Mmhmm?

And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.

I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]

J.D.

[narration] And right then we all realized the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.

J.D.

Look, Elliot, I don't know if it's possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.

Elliot

[touched] Oh, my God.

J.D.

I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.

Carla

So, how was your honeymoon? Did you know Kelso stayed in the Bahamas too?

I love you.

Dr. Kelso

I love you too. Let's never leave.

[uncomfortable] Yeah, we saw him...

Dr. Kelso

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was so blitzed on rum drinks I didn't know where I was. I feel horrible.

Oh, no, stop it. At first, you were like the third wheel from hell, but then we made you do stuff. Made you pay for our meals, got you in a couple bar fights... On the beach, we bet you you couldn't eat a starfish.

Dr. Kelso

And?

I owe you a buck.

It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.

J.D.

I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.

Thank you, J.D.

J.D.

Now you go.

I never agreed to that.

J.D.

Beautiful son of a bitch!