Roseanne · Season 1
[confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.
All right, go ahead.
I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!
Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous 'cause I've made something of myself.
Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? I mean, you're from Illinois! You've been talking that away ever since you did that stupid play in high school.
Well, I'm sorry I don't have your dulcet tones.
I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you: you're a bitch!
I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
[pause]
Good one!
[David tells Darlene that he's running away to New York and he is upset that she won't go with him]
What? So you're just leaving?
What do you care?
Hey I care!
No you don't!
Of course I do! I love you! :[Slight pause, David is shocked] Jerk.
Really? Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm sure you're a jerk.
No I mean not - wow! Why didn't you ever say it before?
Hoping it'd pass.
I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage I've raised!
Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, y'know, the kids, they just took a shot at staying together. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.
Oh, you don't think so?
No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!
Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Take a look at the two little whores you raised!
...Oh... I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.
Please just stop. It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD!!!
OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Are you trying to steal my kid?!
It ain't got nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.
Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, but... I went and had another kid.
Is David out there?
You mean Dan Jr.?
[David just moved into the house and cast the tie-breaking vote for hamburger over pizza]
My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted. AND THE MEN ARE VICTORIOUS! [in mock British accent] Come men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.
[after Dan, D.J. and David leave, look at each other and chuckle] Pizza.
And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.
Okay, that's fair.
These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.
Welcome to Roseannadu.
I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.
You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!
Rosey We Need to talk. We Gotta do our anniversary another night. I gotta work tomorrow.
You gotta work tomorrow?
I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.
Molly, what are you talking about? You know I'm going out with Darlene!
David, you're cute, and you're smart... and you deserve someone who doesn't sleep hanging upside down!
Hey, you don't know anything about me and Darlene!
I know she treats you like crap!
Come on, that's not fair; Darlene treats everyone like crap!
Everybody has that doubtful in their heads, but sometimes you've just gotta ignore it!
Well, my little voice is extremely loud and can deny me sex.
Aw man, we're screwed.
No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.
Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.
You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.
You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!
Is it OK if David takes me to school?
Did you ask your mother?
Yeah.
I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?
Sure, what the hell.
Thanks, Dad.
Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.
All human beings connect sex and love....except for men.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
