Roseanne · Season 1
(seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?
No, I bought the chicken first.
I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Well, it started out that way.
What'd he say?
Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.
Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
Oh...not now, D.J.
The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
I got a D.
It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
OK!
Now I need you to do me a favor.
OK.
OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
Well, well, well!
[groaning] Aww, man!
(grinning) My, my, my, my, my!
What are you doing here?
You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
Where's your mom?
Organizing the candlelight vigil.
Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...
Oh, I think you do. She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.
Gimme the money.
All right, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.
I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.
Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash! [everyone dances and claps while Dan plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica]
Now all we need is some little half-wit sittin' in the front yard eating dirt.
[coming in the front door] Hi!
[to Darlene, who is opening her mouth to speak and pointing at D.J.] Shut up, Darlene.
It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.
It's a big job. We had to expand the department.
You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.
Tell me some more wonderful things about myself. Start with my eyes.
You wanna hear all the things I like about you? Uh - you picked me... [pauses for a few seconds] ...and you fix stuff!
Good enough! [gets into bed with Roseanne]
I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.
I just couldn't go on being part of the Connor family money-making death machine.
Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant!
Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?
You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!
[to David, who is heating up a hamburger in the microwave oven] You're still eating meat?
Oh, come on. I tried to stop, okay, but I realized, I'm a carnivore.
So are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.
"Gather round, ye citizens of Lanford, and hear the tale of the founding of your town. Many years ago, Vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, but it was already one of the thirteen colonies. So Abraham Lincoln sent them home. He freed the Vikings. And then the Indians came with Geronimo and..."
Hey, hey, hold it. Where did you come up with all this stuff?
Darlene told me.
[to Darlene] Hey, I'm surprised you left out the part where Moses led his people out of Lanford. [to D.J.] Never believe anything Darlene tells you.
Except what I told you about sex. That was all true.
[to D.J.] I want you to go to the library and look up the real story about the founding of Lanford, OK? Go to where we check out the videos and ask where the books are.
Okay, but I'm looking up the sex thing too, so be ready!
That's it, I'm not making any more calls. You do the rest of the family list.
[crying] I can't call people, Roseanne!
Jackie, dial!
I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!
[dials the phone] Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I have some bad news...Dad is not with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No, DEAD!...DEAD!!! ... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
