Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.
Yes!
Amateur!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
[to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?
[about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.
You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.
[patting Darlene on the head] Thank you, dear.
[to Darlene] Oh right, suck up for the inheritance!
[Roseanne is in labor]
I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.
No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.
[after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.
You're pushing.
No I'm not!
Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.
Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!
Five, five, five, five, one--yes, it's a boy!
Okay, she wants to see the blue dress, let's show her the blue dress. [Darlene and Becky leave the room to show Roseanne, then, starting a loop, come back immediately] It's too blue. [In an orange dress] Looked better on the hanger. [In a red dress] Rhubarb with hair. [In a green dress] Makes too much noise when I walk. [A different blue dress] Makes me look lopsided.
[The final dress is ridiculously spacey]
[following Darlene] Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.
Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.
C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!
What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.
God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?
You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
And I've never been proven wrong.
Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.
[sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!
You put him in the washing machine??
No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.
[to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.
What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]
Who's gonna know?
She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"
[on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that filthy mouth to kiss my sister?
Give me the phone, Darlene.
Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]
I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.