I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.
That's impossible.
Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Roseanne and Dan realize that they forgot about DJ again]
Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.
Boy, he better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.
(to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.
(with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.
Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?
[on Lorraine, after Lorraine again makes an excuse to stall at picking up the dog] You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.
[after Jackie confesses to sleeping with Arnie] What the hell were you thinking?!
I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
Well, that's still no excuse.
(looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.
Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
What difference does it make? You're all pigs!
Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.
What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
[Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.
[Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]
Just checking.
God, I hate Kathy Bowman!
And today's reason is…
Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for just even one moment to stay out of this?!
Yeah, but by then it was way too late.
[after learning that Roseanne bought some of Kathy's stolen property from the robbers under the impression that she was donating to charity] It was a stupid thing, Roseanne. It was the stupidest thing anyone has ever done, and you are the stupidest woman on the face of the earth! [storms away]
Oh yeah?! I paid twenty bucks for that piece of crap and you paid two hundred! THAT'S stupid!
[on how she'd react if one of her kids were gay] The only thing I've ever wanted for my kids is that they're happy, and that they're out of the house. And I'll tell you what, happy ain't even that important.
I'm in hell.
Nah, you're just in Lanford. Same zip code, though. Y'know, Lanford's not a bad town. You just gotta go with it more... fit in.
And what does that mean, Roseanne? Am I supposed to wander around town in a tacky house coat and flip-flops with my hair in curlers?
Now you're getting it! Yeah! Absolutely. And then I'll throw us one of these here Tupperware parties and then I'll introduce you to the others.
What are you talking about?
Oh, we all used to be like you, Kathy. Angry, bitter, annoying...but now...we're The Lanford Wives.
Goodbye, Roseanne.
Oh, it's useless to try to resist us, Kathy. We already have Jerry! Jerry's one of us. Jerry joined the Lodge.
You're a sick woman, Roseanne.
Oh, you'll start to love it, I promise, Kathy. Just think about it: Swap meets, bowling leagues, bingo, double coupon days, Casino Night at the slaughterhouse. IT'S YOUR DESTINY.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.