Rock Paper Scissors · Season 1
Hello!
Oh, boy.
Come in, come in!
Huh. Your place looks similar to ours.
Although, I see you don't see have a TV.
Why would we need a TV? We're too entertained by our friends.
Ugh.
Thanks for bringing these over. Funny enough, we just got some of your mail today, too.
I don't understand.
You're smarter than us, you're nicer than us, you're at least 15 other things better than us. What's wrong with you guys?!
You tell us. We're always willing to grow.
[Scissors yells in rage]
Hey, you seem upset. Why don't we all go to the couch and talk about our feelings?
[The better trio fly back to the couch]
You fly too?!
We can live like this.
Why won't you let me do the trick?!
Because it makes me feel uncool!
What are you talking about? You're effortlessly cool! The only way I can feel cool is by doing magic!
I find that hard to believe, 'cause everything about you is cool! You're stylish and confident and turn horses into dragons!
But you never blink an eye! I've done so many horrible things to you and you always say you can live like this!
YOU'RE THE COOLEST PERSON I KNOW!
THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU!
I can't believe that worked.
I know. It went exactly like I-[pukes on the ground] Oh, whatever.
You're the vomit boy?
That was one time and it hasn't happened si- [pukes on the ground again] Oh, why?
Guys! We got more holiday cards!
[disappointed] Man, everyone looks so perfect in these photos-- Lou, the Rat Bros, even Crazy-Eyed Pirate.
Who?
I don't know. We met a lot of wacky characters. It's hard to keep track.
Why can't we take a good holiday picture? Every year, something goes wrong. There was that year Rock's head got stuck in a honey jar, the year we had broccoli in our teeth, the year we were all 8-bit, the year Scissors went Super Saiyan.
That year was awesome!
And the year Rock dressed up as some old cartoon character.
[The last photo shows Rock in his Rocko getup from Rocko's Modern Life]
You didn't enjoy "Rocko, Paper, Scissors"?
Eh, it was okay.
I liked that show. The main guy was always like… [imitating Rocko's voice] "Hey, mate, I'm Rocko, and I have a dog named Spunky. He-he." [normally] Or something like that. I don't do a very good impression.
I just want one perfect holiday photo.
Wait. Where is your chain?
Oh! Toast Ghost is covering it! Aw, man! Now the caption doesn't make any sense!
[The trio are eating at a cafe while Paper is dressed in medical scrubs]
[bitter with jealousy] So, we're just not gonna talk about Paper's clothes.
Whatever do you mean?
Guys, let's be peaceful.
I mean, you're wearing scrubs. You are not a doctor, and yet, you are wearing the clothes a doctor wears.
Oh, is that what these are? I thought they were pajamas.
And the stethoscope?
I thought it was a necklace.
Yeah? You wear necklaces now?
Scissors, take a breath.
This is insane! He's so desperate for respect, he put on scrubs so people think he's a doctor. Well, no one's buying it, Paper!
Wow, a real-life hero! [offers Paper to sign his autograph] How can I be a doctor one day?
I'll say this, it's more than just putting on the clothes.
That's literally all he did!
Let's ask why this upsets you.
Rock, you went on one meditation retreat, you're not some wise, old sage. [points to Paper] And he's not a doctor! I bet he can't even tell you what hospital he works at!
[grumbles annoyingly] I'm gonna get more respect than you, Paper. And I know someone's society respects even more than doctors. [walks off and comes back, wearing a basketball jersey]
What are you wearing?
A basketball jersey… Which I guess makes me a professional basketball player.
Oh, please. You really think people are going to believe that you're…
Ronald Jamison!
Come on, Paper, I'm really hurt! Just admit you're not a doctor!
Only if you admit you're not Ronald Jamison!
Why don't I admit myself to the hospital…where you don't work!
Want to tell your problems to a rock you never met?
[sighs] It's that Scissors guy. He's putting me out of business. See? At my bowling alley, a perfect score gets you a free tub of curly fries and a free game. And Scissors got so good at bowling, he hasn't paid for a game in 2 years.
Yeah, Scissors gets carried away when he finds a deal. It tends to turn him into a cartoon villain.
[Scissors laughs deviously while wearing an evil mustache made of curly fries]
[to Scissors] Listen, Scissors. It would really help the owner if you started paying for curly fries.
Oh, naive Rock, always trying to help. Don't you know how life works? You don't win by helping. You win by taking advantage, and exploiting deals for all... they're... worth! [laughs maniacally as lightning bolts flash behind him] Man, these deals make me a maniac.
I like to believe that if you reach out your arms to others, their arms will reach back out to you.
You also believe the Earth is heart-shaped. I can't trust anything you say.
Then how about this? I challenge you to a game of bowling. If I win, you have to start paying for curly fries. But if you win, you get the bowling alley.
Seriously? I mean, yeah, of course. That's a very uneven deal.
[disappointed] I was awful back there. I know I'll probably just find another deal and do this all again.
Don't worry, Scissors. I found one deal I do want you to take advantage of. [hands him a letter]
[reads the letter] "Buy five sessions, get the sixth free!" [later cut to him talking to a therapist] I will take advantage of this therapy deal. I will exploit it to the ends of the Earth! [lightning bolts flash behind him once again]
And where do you think that comes from?
[starts crying] I don't know!
[Paper and Scissors both got Stephernie from taking a character quiz from their favorite sitcom: "The Gang's All Here" and Rock ends up getting Creepo the Stinkboy]
I hang out in abandoned petting zoos. My favorite part of the popsicle is the stick. I hiss at passing cars. [hisses at a car that just passed him] I have a lot of chest hair in this jar! [holds up a jar of his chest hair]
Creepo, why can't you be more like me? Dave.
See?
[enters the trio's apartment] I heard you guys got Stephernie. I got Stephernie!
I got Fire Hydrant.
[sliding in] I got Dave!
Sure.
I see that.
Me too.
How? How do you see that?
Hey, some Stephernies and I are having a party to watch the 1,000th episode. Now that we're all Stephernies, I'm willing to put aside our differences if you want to come. [he, Paper, and Scissors all hold hands and squeal in joy]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rock Paper Scissors pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
