Robot Chicken Season 1 quotes

...And to all you kids under 18 watching Robot Chicken, shame on your parents.

Okay, kids, who wants to learn about different types of leaves? [the students pause, then continue to play with their phones] Okay, who wants to play on your cell phones and Twitter your Facebooks? Oh, whatever. The hell, I guess I'll smoke behind that tree. See ya.

But...what about the leaves? [sees a pool of water with a sign that reads, "Spring of the Drowned Girl"] Oh, my Gosh! Just like the classic anime, Ranma Nibun no Ichi. Whoever bathes in the Spring of Drowned Girl will become an awesomely sexy lady. So the question is, do I want to be an awesomely sexy lady? Hmmm.... [imagines what it would be like if he were...The Nerd has become a girl and examines himself] Oh, my Gosh! I've got-and I've-and this is-and these are-ohhh, they feel so good to the hand!

That will be $68.50... [the Nerd flashes him] By which I mean free!

What wonderful powers! Hee hee! [seen in a dressing room, dressing up as Lara Croft] Hmmm...any tombs you'd like to raid? [as Elektra Natchios] The Frank Miller one, not the Jennifer Garner one. [as Tifa Lockhart] This may be your final fantasy. [as Catwoman] How about a look at these jewels, Batman? [is seen wandering through the girls' shower] La chee do ti do...Hello, ladies, yes, good to see you. Just another girl. Oh, gosh, these are so heavy.

Oh...let us help you!

That's good, that's good, you're really helping, girls! [moans]

Hey, doesn't hot water turn Ranma into a boy again?

Hey, yeah!

Eww! [start beating up the Nerd]

Gross!

Well, it's still...you know, skin contact. [The red-haired girl jumps on him] Whoopee! [the scene fades back to the Nerd standing at the spring] Yes, I do wanna be an awesomely sexy lady! Hee hee hee! "Mammarize" me, forces of the universe! [jumps into the spring] Splash, splash, splash! [hides as the students and the guide walk up to the spring]

And, tragically, this is where a young lady drowned many years ago.

Was she hot?

The brochure says she was 400 pounds, with a clubbed foot and chronic flatulence. So, no. Anyway, back on the bus, everybody. Move it around...

[shocked] Oh, no!

Hey! You must be the new girl. My name's Kaitlin. [before he can speak, the Nerd farts] Eww!

Dang it. [farts a few more times]

John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.

[at the announcer table with another announcer] That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!

I guess if nobody's man enough to challenge me, I'll just take my championship belt and go home.

IT'S HER! IT'S HER! Dakota Fanning is in the building and she looks pissed!

And lets not forget the Dakota's new movie [An advertisement of the movie appears while seeing Triple H scolding Dakota] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday at theaters across the country!

[snatches the microphone from Triple H] I taught I was here to talk about Wishmagic...[whisper outside the mike]...The horse who wrote poems...But apparently some son of a bitch have to go run his mouth! [then starts attacking Triple H and start stomping his head to make him bleed]

IT'S ON! It's on now! Triple H is in a world of....

[toss Triple H on top of the ringpole and going to do her finisher] Here comes a good part! [Does a finisher and crashes Triple H onto the announcer's table, breaking it in the process]

THE DAKONATOR! THE DAKONATOR! This match is over if she can pin him in the ring! [just then, John Cena's intro is played while John Cena rushes into the ring] It's John Cena! He must want a piece of Triple H too. [instead, John Cena saves Triple H and start attacking Dakota and after he locks Dakota into submission and hitting her, Triple H came back with a steel chair and start hitting Dakota's face] OH NO! It's a damn double-cross! John Cena and Triple H must have set up Dakota from the beginning! AWWW! DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM! [an advertisement about Wishmagic appears below the screen] Wishmagic: The Horse Who Wrote Poems opens Friday! DAMN THEM TO HELL!

"Start sharing!"

I like sharing.

Yeah! Everybody’s sharing, that's the way you’re supposed to do it. Hi, ol' Gordo! Everybody, this is my cousin Gordon the Gecko. Gordon is a powerful executive on Wall Street. What do you think about sharing?

The rich just 1% of this country, Owns half its country wealth. $5,000,000,000,000—

$1,000,000,000,000! he he he, Two Trill-

[pushes the Count] Shut up. Greed, for lack for better word is good, greed works.

My dad says being greedy is bad.

Your dad wouldn't know how to pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel. Is Kermit over here sharing with you, to sit here and sing songs?!

Ok, Gordo! It's time to get back to the office.

See this building behind me, first place I ever bought, flipped it and made $800,000. It was better then sex!

Ok, who wants a share a healthy after-school snack?

I want to make 800,000 dollars!

Me too!

First, you have to quit dressing up like 9-year old kids. Lets go buy these [bleep]ers some little suits.

Well, I guess that lesson is brought to you by the number "Douchebag!"

Thank you, my Libertarian friends, for making us your nominees for president and vice president of the United States of America!

1984 is the year of the Libertarian party! We will be champions!

Yes, unfortunately, the rock band Queen won't let us play their hit "We Are The Champions", but enjoy this soundalike, which we will play IN THE WHITE HOUSE!

[to the tune of "We Are The Champions"] We are the victors of the Globe. And we'll continue doing stuff...

Four years ago, I said that we would be champions...How wrong I was. Ronald Reagan soundly beat us.

In fact we received less than one percent of one percent of the vote.

But it is 1988 and the country needs to come together like a family.

We are family! We are family!

Don't worry, Sister Sledge, this is not your copyright-protected musical hit "We Are Family". It's something better!

[to the tune of "We Are Family"] We are a close-knit group! Co-workers and aquaintances!

Four years ago, we asked America to join our family...America said no.

So we decided to make loving families of our own. Who else wants to get on board the love train?

Sadly, The O-Jays wouldn't let us use their hit song "Love Train".

Even though it expresses every political ideal we stand for!

Next stop, the White House.

Toot toot! All aboard!

[to the tune of "Love Train"] Citizens of the Earth, come on. Ride the Friend Choo-choo, ride the Friend Choo-choo, yeah, ride the Friend Choo-choo.

Well, sadly, not a single voter chose to board the friendship choo-choo. Worse, despite using the soundalike, The O-Jays still sued us.

During the 16-year legal battle, unsavory private matters were revealed, resulting in the spectacular in-court suicide of my beautiful wife, Jennette.

My wife Sarah also committed suicide, but, uh, that was unrelated to the trial.

These tragedies taught us that life, like voting for a third party, are ultimately meaningless.

So, in the end, all we, the Libertarian party, are is "Dust In the Wind". [Candidate 1 stammers]]' I mean, all of us is airborne minidirt!

Airborne minidirt, y'all!

[to the tune of "Dust In the Wind"] All of us is airborne minidirt...

HAHAHA, YOU STUPID FISH! GET IN THE FRYING PAN!

End.

Sir, the whole boat is rigged to explode! And I found this! [displays a detonator]

Joker

Greetings from the Joker. "Why so serious?" Anyway, we have a boat of civilians and a boat of prison inmates. I will blow up both boats at midnight.

Oh, my God!

Then let's vote on neither boat blowing up.

No, he said we decide.

Then I decide that neither boat blows up!

Wait, wait...so, we vote?

No, we...we just press a button, I think.

I don't understand. What does this prove, exactly?

Uh, Mister Joker, sir? We came to a consensus: we vote that neither boat should blow up.

Joker

That's not a choice!

Uh..uh, you better explain it again then, I guess.

Joker

[sighs] I will blow up both the boats-

Oh my God!

Joker

-unless, UNLESS, one boat blows up the other boat first.

Uh, w-what are the other options?

Joker

There are no other options.

Ask him when both boats blow up.

Joker

MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT! MIDNIGHT!

Alright folks, that gives us a good 15 minutes. Everyone, into the lifeboats!

Joker

No, no lifeboats! I said that you couldn't use them.

You never said that!

Joker

I did, way back in the beginning.

You better go over the rules again.

Joker

[clearly exasperated] Oh, for H- it's a catch 22! Look, there are two boats. At midnight—

One day in the Concrete Jungle of Nool, an elephant named Morton played "hooky" from school. He was chillin' on the stoop, just peachin' on the block...When onto his trunk landed a tiny crack rock. He thought...

I could sell this, make five or six bucks!

But then he heard a tiny voice that hollered...

What, what!

Morton listened closely, and held very still. He could hear tiny voices in the town of What-Whatville. [The camera zooms in on the rock. A tiny city is seen. Strange creatures resembling the Whos from Dr. Seuss' books are seen on a dance floor. A DJ is in the background] They were having a party, with a DJ in the cut, and everybody was yelling...

What, what!

Morton had a new purpose, he had a new drive: to hide the rock and keep the party alive. [Morton decides to conceal the rock from sight. He walks to the right, and confronts a drugged-up kangaroo with blackened eyelids] He walked down the street, and out of the blue, he came face to face with Crackhead Kangaroo. She was shaking and twitching, her eyelids were black. She said...

[stammering] M-M-M-M-Morton, I'll s-s-suck your C-C-C-COCK for that crack!

Well, sometimes an elephant just has to nut. So that was the end of the world of...

What, what!

Hey, my ex-girlfriend, how do eat a Reese's Piece, buttercup?

I pretend the peanut butter is your soul, and I suck it out and then I crush the remaining empty husk in my cruel, cold fist.

Ma, don't teach Chelsie that girly crap! This isn't the dark ages. [gives the Barbie doll to Chelsie] Here.

Ohh, and the fashion doll with big watermelon boobs teaches the right lessons, huh? That's-That's what going on?

Barbie is a frickin' race car driver these days, Ma! She bungee jumps in Paracelsus, and I think there's even a bomb disposal robot accessory.

Thank you for the Barbie. [pulls the sting on the Barbie's back]

[voice box] Girls could do anything. Especially, men. Let me be absolutely clear about that.

All right, Barbie! Lets have adventures!

[gasps] That's her! That's my little girl... [crying]

How did this happen?!

Well, Chelsie's race car hit the wall in its speeds in excess of two hundred miles in hour. So, pfft.

Race car?! Where did she get a race car?!

Girls these days have all sorts of adventures, mam. This isn't the dark ages.

She was eight years old!

At least, she died doing what she loved, Ma!

SHE LOVED KNITTING!

Yes, that's lovely. Now, that you could fill out some forms. [walks with Chelsie's mom]

[crying] Oh, Chelsie. [to the destroyed Barbie doll] This is your fault! [crying] Whore!

Our cereal sales are WAY down! What do we do?!?

I've got 4 words for you: Sugar, Internet, Viral, Video, and some punctuation: EXCLAMATION POINT!

Oooooooooo...Chocolate Grain [Subscribe!], Bits of corn, Marshmallow, other stuff. [breathing away from mic. Yes, vampires do breathe] Chocolate grain, 5 times more sugar than Choco Puffs. Chocolate grain, tell your parents it's what they should buy. [Buy the SHIRT!] Chocolate grain, so much sugar you'll get crazy high. Chocolate grain, if you have diabetes, stay away. Chocolate grain, it's something that our lawyers made us say. Chocolate grain, the 'mount of sugar will drive you insane. Chocolate grain, 100 percent sugar, zero grain!!!

Sales for Cocoa Vampire are through the roof! What else ya got?

Well, for Fruit Monster, how about a video called, "Two Berries, One Cup?" I've put together a rough demo. Roll it!

Oh...[giggling]

I've followed you to this hot chocolate factory Two-face, and this time I'm bringing you down!

Not so fast Batman! Your fate lies in a flip of this coin, heads you live, tails you die! [flips coin, it comes up tails] Huh, death! [Batman lunges at him, accidentally pressing his face against the burning hot chocolate mixer] AAAAHHHHH!!!

I'm sorry, Harvey.

Don't call me Harvey, call me by my new name. [turns to reveal a second burn mark over half of his already burned face] Three-Face! [pulls out a three-sided die] This is my three sided die, one you live, two you die, three we drink hot chocolate together. [rolls his three sided die, it comes up a two] Oh, uh, looks like you're gunna three sided DIE! [lunges at Batman, he slips trying to get out of bed]

Watch out for that bleach!

[falls face first into a tray with various liquids on it, a bottle of bleach shatters and hits him and the bleach gets on his face] AAAAHHHHH!!!

[meets Three-Face on top of a roof] Three-Face, I'm really sorry about the hospital.

Call me by my real name. [turns around to reveal a fourth burn on the good half of his face] Four-face! [pulls out four straws] I'm holding four straws in my hand, if you choose the shortest one you die! If you choose the longest one you live! The other two will determine whether I throw bleach on your costume or we drink hot chocolate together.

Alright Four-face I'll play your game! [hesitates on his first try and picks a straw on his second]

Oh, OH! This is really good hot chocolate!

Hmm...The soup's not bad either.

Oh yeah, can I try some? [grabs for Batman's soup]

[tries to stop him from taking it, fearing that the soup is too hot for Four-Face] WAIT, HARVEY! NO!!

[the soup splashes against Four-Face's face burning him on contact] AAAAHHHHH!!!

Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!

Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.

We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.

Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! [the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways] Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [the UrRus start humming rhythmically] Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!

Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.

Whassup, y'all?

Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is [bleep]ing hot!

Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]

Yeah.

That's the end of the Dark Crystal...

Hoes!

Well, we failed you, Jim.

Aaah...Sweet...relief...

[talking to Monopoly pieces]: Hey, man. What'chu in for?

Ready to talk, Mockingbird?

Aah! I should've seen that coming! Scout, see if the coast is clear!

Coast is clear, Finch.

Good. 'Cause I'm about to kill a Mockingbird!

Jem! Jem! Use your gemstones!

Yeah!