JBJames Bond
I was wrong about you, Christmas Jones.
CJChristmas Jones
How so?
JBJames Bond
I thought Christmas only came once a year.
CJChristmas Jones
[giggles] Oh, James.
[They kiss; cut to the secret lab where James enters]
T1Technician 1
There he is!
T2Technician 2
Oh, I heard you saved the world again!
T1Technician 1
So you and Christmas Jones, huh? I can't believe you're tapping that!
JBJames Bond
Sorry to break it to you, boys. Miss Jones is already yesterday's news.
[Flashback shows James and Christmas riding in the car]
CJChristmas Jones
This is me, up on the left.
JBJames Bond
[getting carried away] Oh, that's odd. I'd have thought you lived on 34th street.
CJChristmas Jones
[nervous chuckle] Oh, right, because of...my name. Ha.
[Scene shows James having sex with Christmas]
JBJames Bond
All right, love, time to dick your halls.
CJChristmas Jones
Could you maybe stop doing the pun thing?
JBJames Bond
I can't believe I made it this far into Christmas without wrapping my present.
CJChristmas Jones
Wha-? Wait a second! I'm not on the pill!
JBJames Bond
Well, I hope you've been dreaming of a white Christmas.
CJChristmas Jones
[pushes James back on the side of the bed] Ugh! I just got a headache.
JBJames Bond
So, when do I get to meet your friends?
[Scene cuts to the club party]
JBJames Bond
[to the party goers] So I said, "I thought Christmas only came once a year!"
CJChristmas Jones
[embarrassed] James...
FPFemale Party Goer
This guy's a tool.
CJChristmas Jones
No, no. He's got a really cool car.
[Scene shows James and Christmas at the restaurant]
JBJames Bond
You're breaking up with me?
CJChristmas Jones
There's nothing wrong with you, James. Maybe it's just an age thing.
JBJames Bond
What, you think I'm too old for Christmas? [chuckles]
CJChristmas Jones
If that helps you, yes.
[Cuts to James, who is drunk, crying for being dumped]
JBJames Bond
[takes out a pen gun, and clicks, but it's empty] Oh, come on! One of these [bleep]ing things has to be loaded! [groans, cries; cuts back to the present] So I just looked at her, and I said, "Well, I'm sorry, dear, but I'm canceling Christmas!"
T1Technician 1
Oh, you dog!
T2Technician 2
You're always humping and dumping. You're the best, James!
JBJames Bond
Ah, you know me, I got to be James. [chuckles, whimpers]
[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
WWerewolf
Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing Dungeons & Dragons in a basement]
DDungeonmaster
The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
KKnight
That's a bunch of crap!
[Billy Joel and Davy are at a bar drinking beer]
Hey, there. I'm Billy. Billy Joel. What's your name?
How long will you do that, do you think?
DDavy
Uh, probably for life.
Cool. "Davy" rhymes with "navy." That's convenient.
DDavy
What?! You'd better not use me in a song, man! I'm on the run from a lot of creditors!
No problem, Davy. [smiles; prepares to leave when he hits Davy in the head with his bottle of alcohol. Cut to him tossing Davy's body into the sea from a pier with a bar on it] I have absorbed your story, my friend. As the Ancients ate the hearts of lions to gain their strengths! You are one with the Joel now! One with the Joel! [laughs evilly as thunder and lightning clashes]
[A caption then appears saying "Billy Joel's single Piano Man was an international smash hit in 1974." Another caption appears that says "Today it is most downloaded iTunes song." A final caption appears and says "Davy's body was never recovered."]
AAnnie
Leapin' lizards, Molly! It sure is a hard knock life-
MMolly
[interrupting] Actually, we're very lucky Annie.
AAnnie
Being an orphan sure don't feel lucky.
MMolly
Then try being an orphan in the Philippines where hundreds of thousands of orphans are forced into prostitution thanks to sex tourism. In Africa, AIDS has created millions of orphans who won't live to see puberty.
AAnnie
Well...I sure don't like that mean ol' Miss Hannigan-!
MMolly
What don't you like exactly? 3 meals a day? A warm bed? Not being HIV positive? Not performing fellatio on foreign business men? [Annie went silent, taken aback] That's what you don't like?
AAnnie
Uhh...I think I'm gonna go sweep over there for a while, Molly. [walks to her right to where Pepper's washing clothes] Gee, Pepper! Miss Hannigan sure is mean!
PPepper
Yeah! I hate that bitch!
[TIME JUMP: 6 months later]
Daddy Warbucks We sure had a grand adventure, Annie! Your quick wits and spunky can-do spirit saved us all! Is there anything my limitless power and billions of dollars can do for you?
MSMolly's voice
Overseas orphans! Fellatio on foreign business men! HIV and AIDS!
PPrince
[arrives outside the tower] Ahoy!
PPrincess
Is that my prince?! Oh, I knew you'd save me!
PPrince
Stand back, my love. We will soon be together.
PPrincess
It won't be long now before my prince takes me in his arms and- [but is hit in the back of the head by the prince's hook which makes her smash into a birdcage] Careful, my prince! You almost- [the prince throws his hook again and it attaches to the her dress and drags her to the window. The hook is thrown in again, but hits the chandelier and shatters it's glass. The shards fall onto the princess and stabs her eyes; making her blind] Aaaahhh!!! It's raining glass! I'm blind! Please, stop throwing the hook! [the hook hits her in the head, and then is hooked to her clothing dresser] Is that you, my prince?! [the dresser falls onto her, smashing and killing her. Blood spills everywhere]
PPrince
[climbing] I'm coming, my dear! [reaches the window and lands on the floor] Ah-hah! Now hurry, my love. We don't have much ti- [seeing the princess' blood splattered as she was crushed to death] Oh, geez! You're not even packed!
[Outside shot of Davey drowning in the bay, cuts to inside where Billy Joel is singing his song]
[singing] Pete is a real estate novelist.
Pete [while typing on his laptop]: Hey, that's me!
[singing] That's a cute way of saying "Pete's broke."
[singing] I'll laugh at his life while I’m humping his wife,
[singing] Cause Pete’s tiny shlong is a joke. [Pete looks horrified] My piano, it sounds like God's symphony! And my microphone smells like the poor. [a man puts money in Billy's tip jar] They put bread in my cup and their lives all suck.
[singing] If I quit this gig, they lose all interest in living, since life would have no meaning, and they'd blow their brains out on to the floor. [the crowd begins to boo] La, da, di, da, da! [pulls out a gun while singing and the crowd falls silent] La, di, di, dolly da! Down on your knees! I'm the Piano God! Pray to the songs that I've sung! Tell me I'm too good to work here! Then put my balls right on your tongue! [smiles as the song ends. Later, outside the bar, he counts his "earnings"] Great. All singles.
PPete
[off-screen in a creepy voice] Hey Joel. [comes up from behind and stabs Billy repeatedly until Billy finally falls over dead. He wipes his brow and sighs happily. His phone rings and he answers, also happily]
PSPete's agent
Pete? This is your agent! The publishers loved your novel! Time to quit the real estate biz, brother! Oh, by the way, the hospital called, and your wife died of crotch rot. Sorry, man.
PPete
[closes his phone. The shot switches to overhead as he looks to the sky] POETIC JUSTICE!!!!!
[Tony Stark walks into his home, only to find Nick Fury in it]
TTony
Who the hell are you?
NNick
Nick Fury, director of S.H.I.E.L.D. I've come to talk to you about the Avengers Initiative.
TTony
At my house? In the middle of the night? And who the hell are you?
[Camera pans to a burglar holding what appears to be a TV]
NNick
Run, stupid! [he and the burglar run away, knocking over Stark in the process]
[Strawberry Shortcake and her friends are giggling and singing, when suddenly we hear Black Cherry Pie scream]
BCBlack Cherry Pie
[screams] Ahhhh!!! Someone's stolen my black cherry!
Oh no, Black Cherry Pie! Your black cherry is gone?!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
Yes! I bet it was Fudge Turnover, he loves black cherries!
[Cut to Fudge Turnover]
FTFudge Turnover
I'd NEVER take someone's Black Cherry without their consent!
[appears] Mmmm, that's not what I heard.
FTFudge Turnover
Oh shut up, Bitch Pudding!
[Cut to the Purple Pieman's house, where he is sitting in his armchair. A rock smashes through his window]
PPPurple Pieman
[startled] Son of a bitch! [sees Strawberry Shortcake and Black Cherry Pie outside the broken window]
We're berry berry mad at you!
PPPurple Pieman
Get off my lawn, you stupid bitches!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
You stole my black cherry!
PPPurple Pieman
[chuckles] Sorry, honey, I'm into Asian chicks. [smells fire and turns around to find his house is on fire] Fire? FIRE! My valuables! [runs to his framed photos of his mother and Rachael Ray] Mama! Rachael Ray! Only time to save-a one of you... [takes the signed photo of Rachel Ray off of the wall and runs out of the house, but Strawberry Shortcake, Blueberry Muffin, and Black Cherry Pie all stone him to death while yelling at him in unison] Ahhh!!! You [bleep]ing twats! Oh ho! Ahh-eyah! Oh! Ahh! You bitches!
BCBlack Cherry Pie
I'm not sure how this gets my black cherry back...
[The three dump the Purple Pieman's body into a grave they have dug]
Nobody says a [bleep]ing word, or we all go to Rikers Island for a berry berry berry long time!
HPHuckleberry Pie
[shows up, eating Black Cherry Pie's black cherry] Hey, wazzup?
BCBlack Cherry Pie
My black cherry! Huckleberry Pie, you asshole! [chases a laughing Huckleberry Pie off-screen] I can't believe you took my black cherry!
I heard she left home because her daddy took her black cherry. [the others look confused] BLAM! You all get a taste of the Bitch Pudding.
OJO.J. Simpson
NICOLE! I brought you your child support. I know it's a few weeks early, but you know how completely not bitter I am about the divorce.
RRRoger Rabbit
Oh, hey, there!
OJO.J. Simpson
Oh my! What did you do?!
RRRoger Rabbit
What did I do? We had a deal. Now, it's your turn to kill my wife.
OJO.J. Simpson
I can't take the life of another human being.
RRRoger Rabbit
P-P-P-P-Please?
RRRoger Rabbit
But, but, but, but, but, we had a deal. See? You don't wanna see me when I'M STEAMED!! [causes steam to come out of himself] Take care of my wife or it's curtains for you!
[We start on a gray background with the title: "GREAT MOMENTS IN DUMB KID HISTORY" between two white lines]
AAnnouncer
Great moments in dumb kid history!
[A woman is seen driving her car with her two children behind her and her son poking his sister repeatedly]
[getting annoyed] If you touch your sister one more time, I am driving this car into a lake!
[After a few seconds, her son sneakily does it anyway, causing her to get totally fed up and start driving ferociously into a lake. Before she can, however, we cut to static]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinking, "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen." [the Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him, not "ha-ha" funny, more "stab-stab" funny.
[on the microphone] Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'" [through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your deathroom dedication.
RRiddler
[triumphantly] Yes!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
SSodomite
Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good. [the camera shows a Joker balloon]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] And despite appearances, we became friends.
I hear you're a man who can get things.
BMBlack Manta
Well, that depends.
I need a large poster of Phyllis Diller.
BMBlack Manta
That may take time.
Time's the one thing I've got. [long pause] Well, that and dementia.
[Later at night]
[checking the name list] Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? [not responding] Joker, you better be sick or dead in there or I [bleep] you not!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
[enters the Joker's empty prison cell] What the hell?!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
[takes off the poster of Phyllis Diller to reveal the hole in the wall] Think you can escape in the sewer line, huh, Joker?! Not with the Batman on your tail! [in the sewer pipe] Ugh, smells like Batman Forever.
[revealed, laughing] Sucker!
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
[getting flushed on] Oh, God, oh, God! [crap takes him out of the sewer]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Batman crawled through a river of [bleep] 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables; again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman.
[The rain and music immediately stops]
BMBlack Manta
[narrating] Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny.
[Batman hears the Joker laughing, and walks off; disappointed]
