Ah, our Dark Crystal sequel is doomed!
Well, it's been in development Hell for years. Now theaters don't even want it.
We need a brand-new take. Something that really tricks kids into thinking they want to see a movie about puppets.
[Cut to the next scene, where Jen is wearing a rapper-style outfit]
Yo, whassup, everybody? This is Lil' Jen, aka MC Gelfling! Lemme take you on a little journey! Raise up your glasses y'all, and get ready for the story of the Dark...Crys...tal! [the UrSkeks are seen drinking booze, when suddenly, one of them, driving a car, fires at them, breaking off part of the large bottle in the center. The race is split up into the UrRus and Skeksis, who go their separate ways] Once upon a time, in the distant land of Thura, there was a huge-ass super-sized bottle of the Crystal, living under three suns, all the peoples having fun! They were clinking and drinking, the Crystal for everyone, but then there was a drive-by. Oh snap! Hit the deck! It was the Skeksis in a Lexus with a tech! Bottle got wrecked, it split two different races to two different places. The Skeksis headed West with their creepy dead bird faces. The UrRus waited on the East Coast for all their help to come. They were a bunch of Mystics who like to sit around and hum... [the UrRus start humming rhythmically] Ah, yeah. That sound good right there. In step, the prophecy, there's no stopping me! Gelfling's gonna help things, pretty soon we'll be popping C-R-Y-S to the T-A-L. Full throttle, fix the bottle and break that spell!
[Jen is seen rapping along with other characters from the film]
Whole world is ugly, no one's sipping on bubbly, wanna get busy, but without the fizzy, the ladies won't love me. I gotta save the land of Thura, I am far and mystical. Gonna wreck me some Skeksis and go get that Cristal. I went to Aughra and got that cracked up shard of the Crystal. Whoo! Then I met Kira and Fizzgig, he was a little fuzzy ball.
Whassup, y'all?
[Jen and Kira are seen riding on Landstriders, and they encounter the Skeksis. Jen is seen leaping into the air, and places the broken shard onto the bottle. Jen is seen rapping again as the world's former glory is restored]
Jumped on a Landstrider, rode to the castle, faced off with the Skeksis. Man, those dudes are crazy assholes! I put the cracked shard of the bottle back into the right spot! Now the East and West Coasts got back together, and this joint is [bleep]ing hot!
Yeah, this party's a blast, the Crystal's flowing fast. I'm thinking I wanna get up in Kira's ass. We're all having a ball, there won't be no last call. West and East, squash the beef! They're all drinking Crystal. More people still coming, and the Mystics still humming, they go... [The UrRus start humming rhythmically]
Yeah.
That's the end of the Dark Crystal...
Hoes!
[Cut back to the executives, who are standing in front of a portrait of Jim Henson]
Well, we failed you, Jim.
[The executives commit suicide by drinking poison]
Aaah...Sweet...relief...
[They stagger off to die]
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