Rescue Me quotes

Sean

Laura, we call each other names all the time it's like, you know, what do you call it?

Mike

Name calling?

Sean

No, it's like ball busting but more-- more--

Tommy

Camaraderie.

Sean

No... no.

Franco

It's part of being on the team, you know, you joke around. You jive, you cut.

Laura

I never sit around with my girlfriends and call them a twat. I was on the basketball team in high school. I was on the girl's softball team in college and I never called any of those women a twat. You know why? Because every woman I've ever met finds that word offensive. Not as offensive as the other word but in a race you know, they're like neck and neck.

Tommy

Yeah, but now you work in a job with men. A highly-populated job by men, so now you gotta cut the men you work with a little slack.

Mike

I thought the word that women hated most was the "C" word.

Sean

Yeah. I thought they invented "twat" so no one would ever have to say the other word ever again.

Laura

I think men invented both and never bothered to check with women about either.

[about Laura] Franco, you're not messin' around with her are you?

Franco

What're you nuts? She's not even my type.

Franco, she's got two tits, a pussy and she's breathin'.

Franco

Okay, so my taste in women has a wide set of parameters.

Johnny

[On the phone] Oh, let me get this straight, you quit drinking but you're going around beatin' up cops? The city was safer when you were a drunk.

Tommy

Yeah. Blow me.

Okay, you think you're prejudiced?

Tommy

Yep.

Against who?

Tommy

Chevy Neons that cost 12 grand to buy but have 8,000 dollar paint jobs and have 9 Spicks inside of them smokin' weed. That's one thing.

Now the term Spick--

Franco

It's okay, I'm a Spick.

Well, see that's not really th---

Tommy

Crazy chink broads that really don't know how to drive in the first place but now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while their doin' 65 MPH down 5th Avenue, huh, right? Crazy chinks on bikes who have 10 pounds of Chinese food strapped to the handle bars.

Franco

You see, that's another thing. Puerto Ricans even get shafted when it comes to racial slurs. Chinks have what, like four? We have one-- Spick. That's it. The Irish they got, mick, patty, donkey. The Italians they got guinea, wop, dago.

Sean

Yeah, and spaghetti-bender.

Franco

Ah, spaghetti-bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.

Mike

Greaseball.

Franco

Yeah, greaseball. There you have it; that's four.

Tommy

Yeah, and the same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, kike, Jew boy, Benny.

Franco

Shylock.

Tommy

That's five.

Franco

Black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, jungle bunny, raisin head, porch monkeys.

Lou

Spook.

Sean

Tar baby.

Franco

Yeah. It's endless, totally unfair. [Don Kleinman just looks at them, totally mortified] What?

[After watching a sensitivity video] Now, what did we learn from that?

Tommy

Uh, that only white people can be racist?

That wasn't the point of the video.

Tommy

Well, it's pretty obvious. Where are the black guys callin' white people crackers, huh? Where were the Mexicans shittin' all over the Puerto Ricans? You know? Where were all the chinks who hate the Japs, who hate the Koreans who hate-- [Don trys to interrupt him but Tommy keeps going] This is bullshit. This is just to cover the FDNY's ass, that's all this is good for. Just in case some Puerto Rican woman or some fat Chinese guy files a lawsuit against the FDNY or God help us there's another disgruntled female firefighter who thinks she has a case. The FDNY can say "No, no, no, they can't be prejudice, they took this horseshit sensitivity training." Let me tell you somethin'. The next time I run into a burning building and refuse to bring out anybody who's not the same color as me, then that's when you can bring my angry, pink, sober, Irish, ass back down here. Got it? I'm gonna go out for a smoke! (door slams)

Johnny

Are you outta your mind, huh? Did mom know?

If your mother knew we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be dead somewhere in some river with my balls in my mouth. [mocking Johnny] "Did mom know?"

Tommy

You know the guy's almost the same age as me, right? He's like a couple weeks younger. I mean how long were you seein' this broad?

Uh... oh, about 36 years.

Johnny

What? You were having an affair for 36 years?

What can I tell you? When it comes to adultery I'm a one woman man.

Lou

Hey kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candice Bergen, a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen Twins.

I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.

Tommy

Why chunky?

Better traction.

Colleen

I am never getting married and I am never getting pregnant.

Tommy

Well you just made your dad a very happy man, sweetheart.

Johnny

Tommy, when you're in jail in some hick town, and you're taking it up the ass from Otis the drunk, don't call me. Don't call me, you'll be on your own, bro.

Tommy

No I won't. I'll have Otis.

Mike

[about his tall girlfriend] Well, you never met her how do you know she's gigantic?

Lou

Well, I was on my way to work and I saw her swatting planes away from The Empire State Building.

Johnny

So, you're not in jail yet?

Tommy

No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interrupt my smoke.

Tommy

Steak and ice cream?

Uncle Teddy

It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.

Lou

What?

Sean

Well, it's my cock.

Lou

Oh, forget I asked.

Sean

It's like my dick is some sort of weapon of mass destruction.

Lou

Okay, first of all. Your dick is not a weapon of mass destruction because if it were I would be in complete awe of you, which I am not. But there are really two issues here Sean. The first pertains to the fact that you have a tiny fragment of brain matter lodged somewhere in your skull. No offense.

Sean

None taken.

Lou

Second is your dating pool. Which in my opinion, should be drained, filled in, and black topped over. Maybe even a playground for poor kids built on top.