A character in Raising Hope
Played by Garret Dillahunt
Raising Hope · 138 quotes
3rd most-quoted character in Raising Hope: in 51 of its 138 quotes
Most scenes with: Virginia Chance (21), Jimmy Chance (15), Sabrina (8)
BurtHey, Frank. You seen Jimmy?
No. I haven't seen Jimmy. Jimmy who?
BurtJimmy, my son. He went out with you last night.
Nope.
BurtWhat's with the tarp and the shallow grave you're digging there?
I may be putting in a pool. Or digging to China. What business is it of yours? I think you're the one who's shallow.
BurtCards on the table, Frank: Did you kill my boy?
[Sabrina walks into the kitchen]
Coffee?
No thanks. Do you have tea?
[Everyone begins mocking Sabrina]
Burt[in British accent] Yes, we have tea, after we finish cleaning our chimneys!
[in British accent] What say we make some mugs of tea and drink them with our pinkies out, and then throw another shrimp on the barbie?
[Everyone laughs at Sabrina]
I'm going to take this little skit to mean that you DON'T have tea.
Oh, we have tea. It's on the shelf behind the crackers and next to the beef boullion cubes.
BurtI forgot about those! Grab me one, they're like little meat-flavored hard candies.
And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.
[angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.
And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.
NO!
Burt showed me his!
[Everyone looks at Burt quizzically]
BurtI know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.
So far, we have figured out which random household item will represent each one of us. And I still don't think it's funny that you made me the nutcracker.
BurtOh, it's not what you think. It has nothing to do with that creepy vacant stare you do. We just chose that because you're always breaking Jimmy's balls.
[Sabrina glares at Burt; Burt recoils in fear]
There's the stare...
Jimmy...
And there's the crunch.
Okay, does anybody actually have a plan??
[During a couples compatibility game]
A meteor is heading to your house. What would your partner say was the one thing you would save? Burt?
BurtThe world.
[Virginia flips over her card: "The World"]
Jimmy?
I don't know. We use the toaster oven a lot.
[Sabrina flips over her card: "Hope"]
Oh, yeah, that's better. She's right on that one.
Excuse me, sir? I cannot let you eat Mr. Jenkins' pasta in special Alfredo sauce.
BurtWhy not?
Because I am Alfredo.
[Burt has dyed his hair and eyebrows shoe-polish black]
BurtYo! Yo! Yo! Yo!
What the hell is up with your hair?
BurtNothing. Just decided to touch it up a little, that's all.
Well, you look like one of those birds from that Juan Valdez oil spill.
BurtOh, please. It's such a double-standard. How come you get to cheat to look younger? I've seen your drawer in the bathroom. It's one set of vampire fangs away from being a special effects studio.
What if it's hereditary? What if I just don't have the parenting gene? [Burt pushes a potted plant towards Sabrina with his foot] Okay, it's called geophagy. I sense you have questions, go ahead.
BurtDo you have to wash your hands before you eat dirt? If it falls on the ground, is there a five-second rule? Have you ever tried sand? Is Mexican dirt spicy? If you swallow an apple seed, will you poop a tree?
[Virginia tries to secretly remove a bag from the refrigerator]
BurtWhat's that?
Uh, nothing. Just some boring girl stuff I bought for the bachelorette party.
BurtSo boring you had to hide it in the vegetable crisper?
Okay, fine. It's a bag of penises.
Burt[Apprehensively] Whose are they, and why do they have to be kept crisp?
[Jimmy and Sabrina have dressed up in goth outfits to have sex just as the rest of the family walks back into the hotel room]
Dress-up sex on your honeymoon? You're leaving yourself nowhere to go on a rainy Thursday in year four.
BurtJimmy, my instructions were "kiss, get undressed, then do it". Not "do it dressed like KISS"!
There's a rip in the side of this mountain.
BurtOf course there is. That's... "Rip Mountain".
The only doctor I go to is Dr. Vajajay. ...He's Indian. That's his name. He looks after my hoo-hah.
Gross.
BurtI assure you, it is not.
[Burt is panicking about his colonoscopy]
BurtGet me the hell out of here. I don't want to die with a camera up my poop chute!
Dad, it says "unlikely."
Burt"Unlikely"? Unlikely things happen all the time. Michael Jordan grew a Hitler mustache. That came out of nowhere. Nowhere!
[Burt and Virginia are pretending to be lawyers]
BurtMr. Lennox, is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby? ...Withdrawn. Weren't you a member of the Taliban? ...Withdrawn. A pedophile? ..Withdrawn. A thief? ..Withdrawn. Defecated in an avocado field? ...Withdrawn!
Mr. Chance, enough of this. Damn Law and Order ruined an entire generation of lawyers.
You were right, Burt. I'm sorry I didn't believe you.
BurtThat's okay. I'm almost never right. You were just playing the odds.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
