Burt Chance quotes from Raising Hope

Virginia

You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw. When she gets into the candy, she thinks she's 9 years old again.

Burt

I like 9-year-old Maw Maw, we play jacks.

Jimmy

Did you guys lie to me?

Burt

She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."

Virginia

What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"

Burt

I believed it at the time.

Jimmy

What did you lie to me about mom?

Virginia

It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

Jimmy

Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.

Burt

I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.

Jimmy

"Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

Burt

Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?

Virginia

Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.

Burt

If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.

Jimmy

I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!

Jimmy

Do not kiss me on the lips!

Burt

You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

Maw Maw

[wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?

Burt

You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.

Maw Maw

Did I kill anything?

Jimmy

Two rats and a snake.

Maw Maw

Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

Burt

Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy

Yeah, Dad?

Burt

You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?

Jimmy

I hope so.

Burt

Me, too.

Jimmy

Good night.

Burt

Good night.

Maw Maw

Wilfred!

Burt

She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.

Virginia

Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?

Maw Maw

Iraq and Afghanistan.

Jimmy

Is she right?

Burt

I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maw Maw

It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Virginia

We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous.

Burt

Yeah those would be our gladiator names if we were on American Gladiator.

Virginia

Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives?

Burt

I like this guy. He reminds me of me. We both have brown hair and hate museums.

Virginia

Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy!

Jimmy

[slams his hand onto the table] You know that's not my name! If you want to address me, you must call me Drakkar Noir.

Virginia

Like the man's perfume, right?

Jimmy

It means Black Dragonship.

Burt

Your makeup looks nice today.

Sabrina

I cut myself off. I'd would rather live like crap on money that I earned myself than live like a princess on money that somebody else gave me.

Burt

That is the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Virginia

Money you don't have to work for is the best kind.

Burt

It's like getting paid for not having a job. It's the best kind of job not to have.

Look, we're both straight. We're just two straight guys kissing, thinking about girls.

Burt

How about this? How about you go find a girl?

Dude, we live in an RV. We eat leftovers out of hotel hallways. That's, I mean, there aren't going to be any girls.

Here you go, Brucie, a dollar for every "A." Keep getting grades like that, I'm going to have to get a second job.

Young Burt

Hey, I got two "A's" on my report card.

You know what else has two "A's"? "Jackass."

(laughing) We don't mean to laugh, but your brother's very clever. "Jackass" does have two "A's" in it. In the spellin--there's two "A's" in the--Go play with your trucks.

Burt

You got to get your edge back, man.

Jimmy

I haven't lost my edge.

Virginia

[walks in carrying frilly hats] It was a windy day outside the black church, so I got a couple of good ones. I'll go make your virgin mint juleps. Our pretty little ponies are running in the Pretty Little Kentucky Derby later.

Jimmy

Maybe I've lost a bit of my edge.