Jimmy Chance quotes from Raising Hope

Jimmy

[Finishing a Mad Lib during his bachelor party] Okay, that's the last word. So the story is: "I was 'bored' in my 'bored' hat and went to my 'boring' room, where I saw a 'bored' that was eating my giant 'this sucks'." I don't think that even makes sense.

Jimmy

Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.

Sabrina

I'm sure it's not stupid.

Jimmy

Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?

Sabrina

That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.

Jimmy

I said it might be a stupid question.

Sabrina

Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.

Jimmy

Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.

Virginia

Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.

Sabrina

Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?

Virginia

Yes, he is. He ate it.

Sabrina

Excuse me?

Jimmy

Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.

Sabrina

You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?

Virginia

Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...

Jimmy

Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.

Sabrina

Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?

Jimmy

Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.

Maw Maw

[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?

Jimmy

[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!

Virginia

Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

Jimmy

Did you guys lie to me?

Burt

She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."

Virginia

What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"

Burt

I believed it at the time.

Jimmy

What did you lie to me about mom?

Virginia

It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.

Jimmy

Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.

Burt

I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.

Jimmy

"Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.

Jimmy

You're sure you don't want to brush your hair?

Virginia

Oh right, 'cuz if I'm going to be picking up bottles and old rubbers, I really want to look my best.

Sabrina

Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS - he spent the whole afternoon in the bathroom but forced us to include him via video chat.

Jimmy

Yeah, well my baby was stolen - twice.

Sabrina

I can't beat that - let's drink!

Burt

If I go suck on stage I've got nobody to blame but myself.

Jimmy

I get that, I do, but you also spent 20 years being known as a yard and pool guy and I think I remember you saying you wanted to be known for something more. [Burt nods] You can do this Dad, I know you can and if you don't I'll still love you but you gotta try!

Jimmy

Do not kiss me on the lips!

Burt

You stop saying stuff that makes me want to!

Maw Maw

[wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?

Burt

You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.

Maw Maw

Did I kill anything?

Jimmy

Two rats and a snake.

Maw Maw

Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

Burt

Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy

Yeah, Dad?

Burt

You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?

Jimmy

I hope so.

Burt

Me, too.

Jimmy

Good night.

Burt

Good night.

Maw Maw

Wilfred!

Burt

She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.

Virginia

Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?

Maw Maw

Iraq and Afghanistan.

Jimmy

Is she right?

Burt

I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maw Maw

It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Virginia

All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college?

Jimmy

'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?

Virginia

For your information, there are universities that advertise on late night television that are willing to overlook that.