TV show quotes
Characters
Jimmy ChanceLucas Neff · 57 quotes
Virginia ChanceMartha Plimpton · 52 quotes
Burt ChanceGarret Dillahunt · 51 quotes
SabrinaShannon Woodward · 48 quotes
Maw MawCloris Leachman · 9 quotes
FrankTodd Giebenhain · 8 quotes
BarneyGregg Binkley · 4 quotes
Most scenes together: Jimmy Chance & Sabrina (25), Virginia Chance & Burt Chance (21), Jimmy Chance & Virginia Chance (18)
She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces. She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday. I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy. Good luck, dude. Her birthday's May 12th. I'd buy a card now.
Listen, I have a question about this food and it might be a stupid question, but I-I feel I should ask.
I'm sure it's not stupid.
Okay. Well, um, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables and I want to do that, but the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them, and I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans?
That is a really good question. The colors of the babies on the jars don't matter, however it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it or else she will grow a penis. And a mustache.
I said it might be a stupid question.
Yeah you did. I just... really wasn't prepared for that.
Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby.
Jimmy, smoke rises. She's not gonna be tall enough to breathe it for a long time.
[Burt has just placed Maw Maw in the smoking bubble he created.]
The hell is that?
I can't get her to quit. She burns me every time I bring it up, so I built her a bubble.
[Maw Maw smacks him from inside the bubble.]
It's loosely based off the plans of cousin Mike had when he built in the walk in bong and technically as long as she stays in here, there's no smoke in the house. So you have to quit.
No I don't. If she gets a bubble, I want a bubble.
[about Maw Maw] Hey, have you seen this? As long as I have this song playing, she can't lose.
I know. It's weird how music kicks in certain things in her brain, like the other day I found out "America the Beautiful" makes her poop faster.
[Upon discovering Hope is trapped in the greenhouse] I'm freaking out a little bit here, Burt. I'm not doing well with this. Think of something. How are we gonna fix this? Think.
You know I can't think on demand like that.
Think!
Stop saying think! Every time you say think all I can think is the word think-
All right, all right!
-And it fills up my whole brain. Think, think, think. It keeps changing colors and sizes, I can't get past it!
Jimmy, are you missing a clump of hair in this photo?
Yes, he is. He ate it.
Excuse me?
Someone stressed me out so much that I started pulling out my hair and eating it as a nervous twitch.
You look awful. Why didn't you just shave your head?
Oh god no. He's a birthmark on his head that looks like a big old...
Florida. Shaped like Florida... Florida with balls.
Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?
Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody's nerves.
What's going on?
Mommy and I are doing a trick.
The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?
I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.
[explaining why he scares Jimmy just so he can get hugged] I'm sorry but when you turned thirteen you barely hugged me any more and then that damn high five came along. I had to do whatever I could to feel your chest against mine.
[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?
[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!
Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.
You were supposed to be watching Maw Maw. When she gets into the candy, she thinks she's 9 years old again.
I like 9-year-old Maw Maw, we play jacks.
Did you guys lie to me?
She did - not me, I do not practice "deceitary."
What about "I know what I'm doing - you won't get pregnant?"
I believed it at the time.
What did you lie to me about mom?
It doesn't matter - they were dumb little nothings. Like when Rexie died, he didn't really go to hunt rabbits with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs. And the reason you shouldn't pick your butt is not because there's an eel living in there and he might bite your finger off, it's just because you shouldn't pick your butt.
Can we start saying 'execute' again? I thought 'put her down' would be nicer for the baby but it's still feeling like she died at the pound.
I thought 'barbecue' her was a smart way to live it up but no one wanted to try that.
"Hope, your mommy's not here because the governor had her barbecued." Ah, it is close. There's pros and cons.
Slow down there Jimmy. Do you even know what the hell you are doing?
Of course he knows what he's doing Burt. It's a computer, not a condom.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Raising Hope pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.