Maw Maw quotes from Raising Hope

Maw Maw

[looking at herself in the mirror dressed as a wiseman] Who the hell moved my vagina?

Maw Maw

So, you're just a strange man sneaking around my bedroom at night? Well, I guess I'm going to bed. By myself. No risk of pregnancy. I'll never remember. You'll never forget.

What's going on?

Maw Maw

Mommy and I are doing a trick.

Virginia

The bitch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?

I might seeing as how the pranksters are both adults, this is my house and I'm married to the bitch.

Maw Maw

[face is covered in chocolate from eating candy] Grampa did you bring any more candy?

Jimmy

[Holding Hope as she laughs at Maw Maw] Mom!

Virginia

Oh, my god. Burt, Maw Maw got into the candy.

Maw Maw

[wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier?

Burt

You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house.

Maw Maw

Did I kill anything?

Jimmy

Two rats and a snake.

Maw Maw

Man, the things you people tell me I do. Getting old is quite a ride.

Burt

Hey, Jimmy?

Jimmy

Yeah, Dad?

Burt

You think this kind of stuff happens in other people's houses in the middle of the night and they're just too embarrassed to talk about it?

Jimmy

I hope so.

Burt

Me, too.

Jimmy

Good night.

Burt

Good night.

Maw Maw

Wilfred!

Burt

She is only allowed to vote if she's lucid.

Virginia

Maw Maw, we are currently at war with what country?

Maw Maw

Iraq and Afghanistan.

Jimmy

Is she right?

Burt

I think so, but I'm not sure.

Maw Maw

It's right, you morons. One more reason why you shouldn't have another baby. Look, we're five people living in a four person house. We need another baby like we need a gorilla throwing fireworks.

Maw Maw

And I'd like to live in it alone just once before I die! So hurry up and ask that long-haired pretty boy to marry you before the Republicans get back into office and make it a sin.

Sabrina

[angrily] Maw Maw, I'm not telling you this again. I am a WOMAN.

Maw Maw

And I'm not telling YOU this again. Show me your vagina, and I'll believe you.

Sabrina

NO!

Maw Maw

Burt showed me his!

Burt

I know that sounded like I have a vagina. Which I DON'T. ...I was peeing the other day, and... I'll explain later.

Maw Maw

I've only got three things left on my bucket list, and I need to get into a fistfight.

Jimmy

Maw Maw, I'm not gonna fight you. You're a million years old and you broke your pelvis falling off the roof of that car.

Maw Maw

I'm sorry, what did you just say? I'm not fluent in wussy.

Sabrina

I'll fight you.

Maw Maw

You will?

Sabrina

Oh, yeah. I've been wanting to punch you in the face ever since you told me I looked like Ralph Macchio in drag.

Maw Maw

Let's do this.